catalyst.
I am falling apart.
it seems every other day I am freaking out about cancer and transplant and everything. last night I had the most horrific dream that I was going to die and I had to just resign myself to that fact and let it happen, but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone. and when I woke up I just started thinking about transplant, and what if it doesn't work? or what if the cancer comes back? sure, I might get one, or two years in remission, but who knows if I'll get any more? and if it does come back, there's nothing they can do for me. and I'll die. and I am terrified of that happening. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone, I don't want to have to. I have no idea what I'd say. and I'm too young to have to think about any of this, to be thinking about what I might leave to someone, or how I could thank them for being a part of me.
it just feels like I am losing the person I once was. at the start of this I was so upbeat about it all, making jokes. hiding from it. because the truth is, when they told me I had leukaemia, my first thought was "I'm going to die". and that is always in my head. I think one of the reasons I want to be at home for christmas so badly is that I don't know if I'll be around for the next one. and I want to have a big party for my seventeenth birthday because it might be my last. I cry so much more than I used to. things get to me so much more. I suppose when your life is dictated by an illness, the little things become so much bigger. like being at home for an afternoon was so nice, and being told I was going to have to stay another week was so devastating. everything is an extreme, there's no middle ground.
I was listening to this song yesterday and reading the lyrics and relating them to myself, and I couldn't stop myself from sobbing.
I asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen. she left before I had the chance to say the words that would mend the things that were broken, but now its far too late; she's gone away. every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?" it's hard to believe that it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
the taste of her breath, I'll never get over. and the noises that she made keep me awake. the weight of things that remain unspoken built up so much it crushed us everyday.every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?" it's hard to believe that it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
of all the things I felt, I've never really showed. perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go.
it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
it seems every other day I am freaking out about cancer and transplant and everything. last night I had the most horrific dream that I was going to die and I had to just resign myself to that fact and let it happen, but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone. and when I woke up I just started thinking about transplant, and what if it doesn't work? or what if the cancer comes back? sure, I might get one, or two years in remission, but who knows if I'll get any more? and if it does come back, there's nothing they can do for me. and I'll die. and I am terrified of that happening. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone, I don't want to have to. I have no idea what I'd say. and I'm too young to have to think about any of this, to be thinking about what I might leave to someone, or how I could thank them for being a part of me.
it just feels like I am losing the person I once was. at the start of this I was so upbeat about it all, making jokes. hiding from it. because the truth is, when they told me I had leukaemia, my first thought was "I'm going to die". and that is always in my head. I think one of the reasons I want to be at home for christmas so badly is that I don't know if I'll be around for the next one. and I want to have a big party for my seventeenth birthday because it might be my last. I cry so much more than I used to. things get to me so much more. I suppose when your life is dictated by an illness, the little things become so much bigger. like being at home for an afternoon was so nice, and being told I was going to have to stay another week was so devastating. everything is an extreme, there's no middle ground.
I was listening to this song yesterday and reading the lyrics and relating them to myself, and I couldn't stop myself from sobbing.
I asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen. she left before I had the chance to say the words that would mend the things that were broken, but now its far too late; she's gone away. every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?" it's hard to believe that it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
the taste of her breath, I'll never get over. and the noises that she made keep me awake. the weight of things that remain unspoken built up so much it crushed us everyday.every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?" it's hard to believe that it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
of all the things I felt, I've never really showed. perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go.
it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.