Oh the chaotic thoughts of myself. it's quite lovely sometimes.
i remember what i posted a week ago. it seems like its been ages since everything's happened. of course, my inner thoughts and emotions haven't changed. I'm an idiot. even turning my thoughts and everything i have to god isn't helping as much as i need it to. I KNOW there is going to be something so much better for me, something maybe i can't mess up. I'm just trying to figure out....everything. I know i have a lot of personal stuff to work out - like why i can't do relationships when things get actually serious? uh, I'm the girl who wants a fairytale ending, but i can't let it happen because im too scared to let someone hurt me. I let so many things get into my line of sight and cloud my view, and let so many things dissuade me. I realized so late that i had something perfect - all in all i had my fairy tale and i totally ruined it. sorry.
Telling the story never really gets any easier, but i guess i can pretend.
I keep hoping, keep...wishing whatever that that number which has caused too much stress in my life in the last three days will pop up again and then everything will be fantastic and return to normal. I want to be forgiven..i want to forgive myself. sadly, in my own warped opinion, we're kind of like the couple in the notebook. i hate that i have so many emotions over the whole subject. I want to be over it so i can move on. it sucksss.
Granted, I'm keeping a positive spin on it knowing god has other plans and has someone else in store for me..it's still hard to deal with regardless. I hate that there's so many things i want to say, but know it doesn't matter or would make any difference anyway. (insert poem from 10 things i hate about you) -- I totally realized i've been doing that. "i hate this, i hate that...but i hate the fact i dont hate it at all" i completely understand her now and have such a deeper insight as to the feelings which inspired that part in the movie..or whatever.
My birthday is in two days. and i really couldn't care less. It's pretty much gonna go by without so much as a passing thought. At least i wish it would, almost. I'm excited to go out to the track, i feel like it's been forever since i was there...plus i'm staying the night at the campground which is going to be an amazing fun time with jamie, jiffy, melissa...etc. crazy people. On the bright side, I get to hang out with james and whoever else is maybe coming over.
I miss camp. but i'm really excited for school to begin...i get to move into my townhouse and do things on my own again. PLUS! I'm FINALLY getting a big bed-- Dani and mark i suppose are donating their full bed for my cause. I'm not sure where it's going but im excited to have one either way. Come to think of it, i should tell mom that i just want it up there...we were talking about keeping it here at the house, but pssssh forget that.
Nick's coming home in a few days. Right after my birthday, i think..depends on when he can get a flight..either way i haven't seen my best friend since christmas and i barely got to spend time with him so i am PUMPEDDD.
movie night FTW. :D yay!
I've been putting off school stuff. I need to stop doing that since i have an override which i have to jump thru hoops to do something with. lame. I mean really, why can't they just make it easy and just open the class back up? Stupid class sizes!
I'm sick of everythingg. Can i go on vacation now?
i just realized i have to pack my life up in two weeks. that is going to blow hardcore. i suppose it isn't terrible...i mean i really only have to pack my clothes right? most of the other stuff my mommy has already helped pack up.
I'm watching enchanted. I'm at my favorite part, when the entire city breaks out into song and dance...and the guy goes "you know this song?! How does everyone know this song but me?!?!"
it would be ridiculous if that happened...like suddenly everyone knows the lyrics, harmonies and dance moves to a song and they all break out at the same time...
I want to learn how to ballroom dance.
And to swing dance.
and to play cello.
I really miss my long hair. But it's such a pain in the ass to take care of.
I'm clearly ADD right now.
hahaha, the prince in the movie just got owned by a bunch of bikers. Epic Fail.
seriously i wish life could be less complicated. like, yeah. I want the book of life becasue i'd really like to see how the last few chapters go.
damnit.my battery is dying and i'm wayy too lazy to get up and search for the charger.
Telling the story never really gets any easier, but i guess i can pretend.
I keep hoping, keep...wishing whatever that that number which has caused too much stress in my life in the last three days will pop up again and then everything will be fantastic and return to normal. I want to be forgiven..i want to forgive myself. sadly, in my own warped opinion, we're kind of like the couple in the notebook. i hate that i have so many emotions over the whole subject. I want to be over it so i can move on. it sucksss.
Granted, I'm keeping a positive spin on it knowing god has other plans and has someone else in store for me..it's still hard to deal with regardless. I hate that there's so many things i want to say, but know it doesn't matter or would make any difference anyway. (insert poem from 10 things i hate about you) -- I totally realized i've been doing that. "i hate this, i hate that...but i hate the fact i dont hate it at all" i completely understand her now and have such a deeper insight as to the feelings which inspired that part in the movie..or whatever.
My birthday is in two days. and i really couldn't care less. It's pretty much gonna go by without so much as a passing thought. At least i wish it would, almost. I'm excited to go out to the track, i feel like it's been forever since i was there...plus i'm staying the night at the campground which is going to be an amazing fun time with jamie, jiffy, melissa...etc. crazy people. On the bright side, I get to hang out with james and whoever else is maybe coming over.
I miss camp. but i'm really excited for school to begin...i get to move into my townhouse and do things on my own again. PLUS! I'm FINALLY getting a big bed-- Dani and mark i suppose are donating their full bed for my cause. I'm not sure where it's going but im excited to have one either way. Come to think of it, i should tell mom that i just want it up there...we were talking about keeping it here at the house, but pssssh forget that.
Nick's coming home in a few days. Right after my birthday, i think..depends on when he can get a flight..either way i haven't seen my best friend since christmas and i barely got to spend time with him so i am PUMPEDDD.
movie night FTW. :D yay!
I've been putting off school stuff. I need to stop doing that since i have an override which i have to jump thru hoops to do something with. lame. I mean really, why can't they just make it easy and just open the class back up? Stupid class sizes!
I'm sick of everythingg. Can i go on vacation now?
i just realized i have to pack my life up in two weeks. that is going to blow hardcore. i suppose it isn't terrible...i mean i really only have to pack my clothes right? most of the other stuff my mommy has already helped pack up.
I'm watching enchanted. I'm at my favorite part, when the entire city breaks out into song and dance...and the guy goes "you know this song?! How does everyone know this song but me?!?!"
it would be ridiculous if that happened...like suddenly everyone knows the lyrics, harmonies and dance moves to a song and they all break out at the same time...
I want to learn how to ballroom dance.
And to swing dance.
and to play cello.
I really miss my long hair. But it's such a pain in the ass to take care of.
I'm clearly ADD right now.
hahaha, the prince in the movie just got owned by a bunch of bikers. Epic Fail.
seriously i wish life could be less complicated. like, yeah. I want the book of life becasue i'd really like to see how the last few chapters go.
damnit.my battery is dying and i'm wayy too lazy to get up and search for the charger.