(no subject)
I feel so hopeless, that time can't go quick enough, but i still want to enjoy the present. its so bittersweet knowing what i have just a few months down the road. I'm scared that things are going to fall apart....But im pretty sure we're stronger then that....we have to be...it's us, right? I've realized lately that i feel more for him everyday, it's already surpassed what i thought i could feel. i really didn't think i could be here again....its like climbing a sand dune. you keep climbing towards something...but you always slide back....but its such a triumph when you reach the top, you just kind of stand there and laugh and give that damn dune the finger...that is until the wind knocks you off your feet and you realize as you slide down..that you a hve to climb up again. i'm not at the wind part yet...i dont think i'm going to be for a while...but i dont want erosion to kill my dune either. I like this view from the top..this over the top amazing feeling. I know i mess things up sometimes...i hate that. everything in this relationship has to be 100 times of any other. has to be more open, honest and truthful. It's better just to get things out anyway, right? I dunno. i feel lately that there's been a slight tension, and i blame myself for causing it. i guess i dont think of the impact sometimes, how things look to the other person....what it would be from their point of view. I know that's always been a problem with me, but..i'm not sure if there is even a way to change it. I tried to explain to someone today this thing adam and i have....and i hate that no one thinks it's as special as it is. it's underestimated as that in the beginning feeling, that "everyone feels like that" ...no...no one sees how long this has actually gone on for. When people ask how long we've been together, instead of blurting out, "somewhere around two months" i always think to myself that there's no way its only been two months....it's seemed like so much longer..maybe due to the distance, or just the kind of connection between him and i, i have no idea. as much as i may have tried to avoid my feelings early on from fear of that wind mentioned above...of falling, broken hearts and nightmares....I gave up trying to out run in, so instead, i ran to it, i just jumped in. I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. but i guess whatever happens happens. I still have the chapstick he bought me. stupid, i know, but it means a lot to me...dont ask me why, i couldn't even tell you. Any tie to adam really, i cling to. it's all i have till i can see him again. wow. its almost three.
sleep though, never comes easy anymore.
i wish there was an expression to explain this feeling. like, the always want to laugh thing.
I was so upset this morning....i hate when there is any drama or anything between us. ever. always. i realized how much i'd missed hearing his voice, when i realized..i was crying as i hung up the phone. It made it worse that i didn't know why he was mad at me. thats the only thing that sucks about distance. I can't hug him after a fight, or kiss him, or anything. i just have to try and convey sincere emotion..its like using telepathy, but.....it never really works. things like that are based on physicalness only...it frustrates me to no end.
and i'm concerned that he thinks i would ever hurt him. especially messing around with someone else......it's not worth it, i would absolutely never. I doubt i could find anything like this if i searched for a million years. Even if down the road we end up going our seperate ways...i'm pretty sure how i feel is one for the books.....and from what he's been telling me, i think it's mutual....which makes me incredibly ridiculously happy.
i remember camping...
it's so funny that we wanted each other, but were too shy to really do anything about it. I was pretty sure he liked me...he hinted thru convo's online..but then i met him and my world just got sort of flipped. idk. i remember sitting on the beach though....i ended up pinning him in the sand, im still trying to figure out how he was unable to get me off him...even though im pretty sure he wanted me there... i wanted to kiss him so bad. ha. im so stupid. and im pretty sure the first or second night....i might have leaned in to kiss him but realized whta i was doing before i could have made a fool of myself. But i loved how we were entertwined....it was like we couldn't get close enough. i love that.
either way, i like how things turned out. im absolutely so excited for these few months to pass.....i feel like branch may become a second home with all the time i'm going to want to spend there...or at least with adam, anyway.
idk. rawr. I'm so excited to see him....and its months away, its like i can't stop being all energetic about it. damn this love, i love it too much.
(is that even possible??)
anywya.....i need sleep. Meijer run, math and then nap time tomorrow.
<3
sleep though, never comes easy anymore.
i wish there was an expression to explain this feeling. like, the always want to laugh thing.
I was so upset this morning....i hate when there is any drama or anything between us. ever. always. i realized how much i'd missed hearing his voice, when i realized..i was crying as i hung up the phone. It made it worse that i didn't know why he was mad at me. thats the only thing that sucks about distance. I can't hug him after a fight, or kiss him, or anything. i just have to try and convey sincere emotion..its like using telepathy, but.....it never really works. things like that are based on physicalness only...it frustrates me to no end.
and i'm concerned that he thinks i would ever hurt him. especially messing around with someone else......it's not worth it, i would absolutely never. I doubt i could find anything like this if i searched for a million years. Even if down the road we end up going our seperate ways...i'm pretty sure how i feel is one for the books.....and from what he's been telling me, i think it's mutual....which makes me incredibly ridiculously happy.
i remember camping...
it's so funny that we wanted each other, but were too shy to really do anything about it. I was pretty sure he liked me...he hinted thru convo's online..but then i met him and my world just got sort of flipped. idk. i remember sitting on the beach though....i ended up pinning him in the sand, im still trying to figure out how he was unable to get me off him...even though im pretty sure he wanted me there... i wanted to kiss him so bad. ha. im so stupid. and im pretty sure the first or second night....i might have leaned in to kiss him but realized whta i was doing before i could have made a fool of myself. But i loved how we were entertwined....it was like we couldn't get close enough. i love that.
either way, i like how things turned out. im absolutely so excited for these few months to pass.....i feel like branch may become a second home with all the time i'm going to want to spend there...or at least with adam, anyway.
idk. rawr. I'm so excited to see him....and its months away, its like i can't stop being all energetic about it. damn this love, i love it too much.
(is that even possible??)
anywya.....i need sleep. Meijer run, math and then nap time tomorrow.
<3