Excuse me, I don't think I quite understand here.
I'm such a busy little me. Finding a place to live all by my lonesome, despite Sam's incessant bitching, and I'm going to make it work. I'm going to love it.
I'm going to not be increasingly depressed by the fact that it's a rather cheap little appartment and it's going to be hell getting a job and rennovating this piece of crap. I'm supposed to ( Read more... )
I'm going to not be increasingly depressed by the fact that it's a rather cheap little appartment and it's going to be hell getting a job and rennovating this piece of crap. I'm supposed to ( Read more... )
"I'm still going to want help." I want her to get that I'm not taking her out of this. Sam would probably pitch a fit, even if I wanted to try. And I don't. I don't want to be by myself in this, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I looked up as we got in the hospital, and my hands started shaking again. I buried them in the front pocket of my sweatshirt, and didn't move. I don't want to go in there. I don't. I don't want to go, and nothing's going to make me.
No, stop being stupid. You're not five. You're nineteen fucking years old, and you're going to act like it. You want to be an adult, you're going to do this.
I got out of the car, trying to make sure my hands didn't shake as I shut the door, and headed inside with Carly. I decided right then and there I despise hospitals. I don't like doctors, now they're going to be a package. I hate this so much. "Where're we supposed to go?" I looked around.
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If it's him. If it's not, we can just go home and pretend that this never happened. There's no point in worrying about it until we know for sure. I don't want to think about it unless I absolutely have to, and if that time comes, I'll do my best when I get there.
"Okay."
I got out of the car, just barely trailing Arianna by three or four steps, and tried to prepare myself to go into the hospital. I'm terrified of these places, but I can usually cover it up if I'm not lying in a metal bed and wearing a white dotted gown. The fear thing is just a lot harder to keep down right now because I'm nervous. The vertigo will go away...in a few minutes, when I adjust to being here and stop feeling so damn warm. And where did the sudden heat come from anyway? I was just freezing a minute ago, now I want to take the sweatshirt off or just wait outside. I know I can't do that, because if something did happen I have to know, but I don't want to be here right now. I want to be home, making up with Sam.
"Where're ( ... )
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"Right." I leaned against the wall, still freezing, and wrapped my arms around myself, watching Carly talk to this annoying looking nurse. I now hate doctors, hospitals, and nurses. I'm going to have a whole bloody list by the time this is through.
"A-alright, we're going downstairs."Carly doesn't like hospitals, does she? Not in the hate them way, but she's actually afraid of them. I remember my brother telling me about that once. Oh God, why didn't I think of that before? "I-I forgot you don't like hospitals." I sighed. "I'm sorry ( ... )
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"It's okay. I needed to be here for this."
Hopefully those few words would be enough reassurance for Arianna, it was all I could offer. As much as I can't stand hospitals, I can keep it together for long enough to not make a fool out of myself. I have to do that now, for Sam. He's my reason for not flipping out.
I listened while Arianna answered their questions, and tried to help out where I could. There wasn't much for me to say, so mostly I kept quiet and tried not to pay attention to the lights. The more I was aware of them beaming down on me, the worse I felt. I wanted to excuse myself so that I could be be sick in private, but that would have meant leaving Arianna alone, and being alone, so I just stood there looking as helpess as I felt ( ... )
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No. No it's not. That's not Sam. That's not my brother. It's not.
"Can we go in another room, please?"
That... that would be good. That would be nice. I need to get away from that. That which isn't my brother. That can't be my brother. That's not Sam. I wanted to be proved wrong here, even though I could feel it I wanted to be proved wrong and find out it wasn't him.
I watched Carly start filling out papers, and sort of forgot all about the business of me taking care of some of it for a minute. "I-I..." I don't know what to say.
I sat down on the nearest chair. "That wasn't supposed t-to be him." I said finally, watching Carly fill things out. I can't cry. Not yet. And I want that bloody nurse out of here before I break her nose ( ... )
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I nodded quietly, watching her fill out of the rest of it, and badly wanting to get out of here. Have to get out. Have to get away from that. I don't want to see anymore of this. I don't want to be in a hospital ever again.
God why did he have to be so damned stupid and get himself killed like that? He knows better. My brother is one of the most responsible drivers I know. He helped teach Carly, from what I remember. He taught me, at least the basics incase I ever needed to drive for some reason or another.
Why'd he have to be so utterly stupid?
"We'll get through this together, Arianna. I'll finish these up and show you where you need to sign. Then, if it's okay with you, I'll leave you off before I go see Madsen."
Madsen... Madsen should probably know. I nodded again, and looked over at her. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" He might take it better from me rather than Carly. I don't think I want to go, but if she wants me there, I'll do it.
"Tomorrow we'll ( ... )
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"I'll be alright, I can do it."
I don't know what I'm going to say or how I'm supposed to say it, but it should come from me. Arianna shouldn't have to do all of the hard stuff. She's too young for this, adult or not. I had someone helping me when my parents died, I can do that much for Arianna. I want to do at least that much.
"Fine."
I nodded and turned my attention back to the papers. After signing what I had to, I put everything that we were supposed to keep in order, and wrote all of the phone numbers on the back of a form that I didn't know what to do with.
"I think we can go now."
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"Alright." It was really hard to stand up, but I tried to keep as straight as possible. It's too cold around here. Way too cold. I hate it. I need to leave.
I headed out with Carly, giving the door to the mourge as wide a berth as humanly possible. I'm not telling our parents. I don't even want Carly to tell our parents. And I know Madsen knows better than to go near them. Dad wouldn't care any, and if he doesn't care, neither will Mom.
"We need to keep this to friends." I said quietly as I headed upstairs with her. I hope she understands, because I don't feel like explaining how I just know that it's not going to make a difference to them.
"Just friends."
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Arianna doesn't want their parents to know about Sam; she thinks I would tell them. I wouldn't, I know better. Sam made it perfectly clear to me that his father is an ass. To think that he outlived Sam, it's...I'm not going to go there. If I think about the kind of people who exist in this world, and then about Sam, I won't be able to stop.
The only way I'm going to get through this is by learning when to stop myself. I count on Sam to bring me back to reality when my thoughts become too much to handle, and I can't do that. If I lose it, I won't be able to take care of my friends.
"I know."
As we walked out to the parking lot I made sure to keep a few feet between the two of us. I don't think Arianna wants comfort. If she's feeling anything that I do, she wants something to hit. Maybe in a few days I can offer her some time to train with me, but not tonight. I feel like I had the wind knocked out of me as it is.
"I'm not going to do anything without your permission."
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I should probably call Johnny, Nick, and Ryan, but I don't think they'll all be able to make it. It's probably the thought that counts, or something... I don't know, I'm just not going to do it tonight.
I think I have Johnny's number somewhere, from when he visited and hit on me just to be funny, and he can probably give me the numbers for the rest. Or better yet, I'll ask him to call the rest. That'd be easier.
But right now, I really want to go home and break a few things. Then I'll sleep for a bit, get up a few hours before dawn, and go kill things. There's a plan.
"I'm not going to do anything without your permission."
"Thanks." I said quietly, heading over to the car and getting in once Carly had unlocked the doors. Go home, break things, sleep, wake up, kill things. Maybe that'll help me out a little to get through the rest of this.
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