Excuse me, I don't think I quite understand here.
I'm such a busy little me. Finding a place to live all by my lonesome, despite Sam's incessant bitching, and I'm going to make it work. I'm going to love it.
I'm going to not be increasingly depressed by the fact that it's a rather cheap little appartment and it's going to be hell getting a job and rennovating this piece of crap. I'm supposed to ( Read more... )
I'm going to not be increasingly depressed by the fact that it's a rather cheap little appartment and it's going to be hell getting a job and rennovating this piece of crap. I'm supposed to ( Read more... )
Sometimes I wonder why he came back at all. Why he always comes back. It's like everytime Sam gets too far away, he realizes that he belongs here. So maybe I was wrong to worry so much about him not being settled. Maybe he's settled in a different way. He gets restless just like everyone else. But he comes back.
He can be angry for tonight; my red doorknob tells me that I'm not going anywhere. If he doesn't show up by morning, I'll go to Madsen's and apologize there.
I have to stop blaming him when I can't handle my own fears. Instead of worrying that I'm going to end up alone, I should concentrate on making our relationship work. Things are good now. As soon as we make up, everything will be fine.
And so help me, I will make him forgive me. I know that it's my fault this time.
He's going to love hearing me say that.
I heard my cell phone go off and reached into my pocket to take it out. I was expecting it to be Sam right up until I looked at the screen and saw Arianna's name flashing in orange.
Tomorrow. He can be mad at me until tomorrow.
"Hello?"
"Carly? It's... It's Arianna..."
She doesn't sound right. Sam probably told her about our fight. If this is one of those meddling little sister calls where she tells me to give in and apologize, I'm already there.
For once.
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I sighed when she didn't say anything, and pulled my knees to my chest as I sat on the counter, shouldering the phone. "I um... I just got a call from the hospital." Damn you, speak.
"They told me that Sam was in an accident, and..." I can't say it. I can't say it. She'll get it anyway, isn't that how this always goes? In those sad movies, that's usually all anyone has to say anyway, right?
"Could you maybe come down there with me? I can't um... I can't go down there by myself, and I-I don't really have a car anyway." If I go down there, I'm going to lose it. I can't go by myself. I can't do this at all. That stupid bastard wasn't supposed to die on me.
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Shit. I knew he was pissed off at me when he left, but I didn't realize, I mean, he gets angry...it's not dangerous. He has a handle on his pyrokenesis, so whatever happened couldn't have been his fault.
What could have happened?
"Could you maybe come down there with me? I can't um... I can't go down there by myself, and I-I don't really have a car anyway."
"Yeah, I'll be at your apartment in a few minutes. Don't worry so much, okay? Once I get close enough to heal him Sam'll be fine."
If he lets me get that close. Sam can be stubborn, especially when he's angry. He might not want my help if he thinks that I'm going to keep fighting with him. But I'm not. I'm done with this, for the time being anyway. And I don't have time to worry about that fight if he's hurt. It doesn't matter. Not to me, so it shouldn't to him either. He has to let me patch him up so that we can be okay again.
"How bad is it? Do you know?"
Why the hell didn't they call me?
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She's not getting it. Either that, or she's screwing with me to make me say it. I think I almost hate her for that. I don't mean to, but I do. I don't want to tell her, I didn't even want to make this call. "No, Carly--"
"How bad is it? Do you know?"
"You're not getting it." I don't know if I sound upset or angry, all I know is I can see my hand that isn't holding the phone shaking, and it's not stopping. "He's dead Carly, the accident killed him. They couldn't get him out in time."
Don't cry Arianna, breathe. Keep breathing. Give her a minute to process, finish up the conversation, and then cry. Then later, you're going to find something and you're going to beat the living hell out of it.
I still don't think I'm going to feel better after that, but I'm going to definitely try. I just can't cry yet.
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"Wh-what? No. That can't be right Arianna, it must have been, they must have had the wrong person or, it's not right. No."
They're wrong. They have to be wrong because he wouldn't, I mean he couldn't have possibly...Sam's a good driver. He taught me how to drive when I didn't know which foot was the brake. He couldn't have died in a car accident because he knows how to handle a car. Even if he was mad, he knew.
Knows. He knows. He knows because they made a mistake. It's not him. Sam leaves, but he always comes back. We love each other, no matter how angry we get. In spite of everything that we said to each other, we're going to make up. He has to come back so that we can't make up. If he doesn't come back we can't...
How am I supposed to keep going if he doesn't come back?
We don't just love each other, we need to be together. When we're apart we're miserable, hurt, alone...
Is that how he felt tonight? When I argued him out of our home and into his car. No wonder he left. I was too insistent. I made him sound like he was going to walk out on me again, and I keep fighting him on it until he did.
But he's supposed to come back now.
This is what we do. It wasn't any different--not if you consider the way that we feel about each other. Sam knows I love him. He has to know. I tell him everyday, and I'm a lot to deal with... but he loves me anyway. This fight was no different than any other fights we've had in the past, it has to end the same way that they did.
Sam has to walk through that door so that I can tell him how sorry I am. He doesn't know that I did't mean it. He has to show up and tell Arianna that they were wrong.
He's scaring the hell out of her.
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"I hope to God they're wrong," I said as evenly as I could. "But they want me to come down there and identify the body. Trust me, I don't want it to be right." God no I don't.
"So can you come and get me? I-I can't do this alone." I closed my eyes, sighed, and then opened them again as I got off the counter, looking around for my sweatshirt. "If we're lucky, i-it won't even be him."
I don't think we're going to be that lucky. It didn't sound like they had a hard time indentifying him... the body... maybe we're going to luck out and it won't be him, and I'll just have to be restrained from trying to kill that Dr. Garber person.
Getting arrested wouldn't be such a bad thing, just as long Sam was still alive. Besides, Carly would probably help me. Just as long as the stupid bastard isn't dead.
I just keep getting the feeling that he is. The feeling. Just knowing. And I can't make it go away, no matter how hard I try.
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They won't be. They can't be. Arianna and I need Sam. It was bad enough being alone when he was in Europe, but I knew he was safe. There was nothing to stop him from walking through that door and...and he did.
He promised this time.
"I know, I just...this has to be a mistake."
"So can you come and get me? I-I can't do this alone. If we're lucky, i-it won't even be him."
Arianna doesn't sound like she believes it. She thinks he's dead. I'm not going to lose hope like she did. One of us has to have faith in him, and if it has to be me, then that's what I'm going to do. He's safe somewhere-probably at Madsen's, and he's going to come home and laugh at us for getting so worked up over this.
He's safe.
"I'll be right over."
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"I'll be up front." I said quietly as I found my sweatshirt in my room, grabbed it, and started back into the kitchen. "So you won't have to look for the appartment, or anything." I know Sam told her at one point, but she might not remember.
And it's very likely he won't be around to make comments on that. God I can't handle this. I just can't. "D-Do you still remember where it is?" Pull yourself together Arianna, try and speak clearly, will you? You're not allowed to fall apart just yet, it's not like Sam's here to help you out this time.
God I wish he was. I want my brother here, right now. I want to give him a hug until he has to pry me off and offers to sit through Nightmare Before Christmas with me all night and then bitches for the next week about how I got the songs stuck in his head.
I want that. Right now.
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"Yeah, I do."
Sam told me, wrote down the address, and complained a little. He didn't love the idea of his little sister being so grown up that she was a longer drive away. Even if it is only by a few minutes, that's just the way he is. He'll taking care of us, whether we like it or not. I wish I had that right now.
"I'll see you in a few minutes."
I hung up the phone, walked over to the closet, and grabbed a sweatshirt to throw on. Stupid freezing apartment gave me the chills. Picking up my keys, I headed out the door and remembered to lock it behind me.
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"Sure. Thanks." I hung up the phone, and pulled on my abnormally large sweatshirt. Sam bought this one for me, said something about hearing it was good for when you wanted something to sink into. Since I'm having one of those moments, I think I'll use it.
I headed out, locking my door and then heading down the stairs. I ignored the usual hellos from neighbors, and when I hit the bottom of the stairs, my landlady was just coming out of her appartment. "What's wrong dear? You look upset."
"Something big came up." I don't know how else to say it. Usually I like Mrs. Rigby mothering me, it's kind of fun, but I can't take it right now.
"Death in the family?"
"I'd really like not to talk about it." I tried my best not to sound angry with her, and she seemed to get it. It's good, I don't want to be pissing off my landlady ontop of what's happening right now.
"Alright dear. You need anything, let me know."
"Right Mrs. Rigby, thank you." I have to get away, right now. I pushed my way out the door, and looked around when I saw Carly wasn't there yet. I sighed and sat down on the side of the steps, and pulled my knees to my chest, closing my eyes.
I can't cry yet. I'll cry later. Just not now.
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When I turned onto her street I immediately saw Arianna standing out front and pulled up beside her on the curb. Nodding as she got in, I turned the air on in case she wanted it and closed up the vents on the drivers side.
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My voice doesn't sound like mine. It's too quite. At least I didn't start with the bloody shaking again. I managed to make my hand stop while I was waiting for Carly.
I shut off the air, and curled up on the seat after I buckled up. I'm freezing, I hate that. I looked over at Carly quietly, and stared back out at the road.
The silence is going to drive me insane.
"What're we going to do?" I asked finally. If it's Sam, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do. I'm not sure I want to know, but I have to say something.
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I quickly glanced over at Arianna before pulling away from the curb and starting the drive to the hospital. I wasn't sure how to answer without all of the "ifs" that were going to be added on to whatever I was supposed to say. If it's not Sam, we'll know he's okay and worry about finding him. If it is...I'm not ready to think about that one yet. We had a horrible fight tonight, all because I was afraid he'd get tired of it here and leave me. It wasn't logical to think something like that when I knew things were alright between us, but I was scared. Sam's not just my boyfriend anymore, he's my whole life.
Ever since he officially 'moved in' with me, I've needed him. To make me omlettes in the morning, to calm me down when I panic, to sleep beside me at night; everything about being with Sam this time around has given me something I didn't know I needed. And I would never want or accept, or even attempt to want it with anyone else. I love him, I need this to be a mistake. Almost as much as Arianna does.
"They'll probably make us wait a little bit, then someone will take us into the room. If it's not Sam they'll thank us for our time and tell us to go home."
I should stop right there. I don't have to say anything else, I don't. It's too soon to think about the other if.
"If it's him, they'll make us sign some papers and ask us a couple of questions. I could handle all of that. I've done it before."
But I don't want to do it again.
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If it's not Sam. "If it's not Sam, I'm going to personally take apart the Garber doctor for calling me in the first place." And scaring the living daylights out of me so badly. "Just so you're aware in advance."
"If it's him, they'll make us sign some papers and ask us a couple of questions. I could handle all of that. I've done it before."
"I can handle some of it." I don't want to seem weak on this. I don't know why, but I don't. "I'm his sister, I should." I don't want to, but I'm going to make myself do it anyway. Just like Sam would, the glutton for punishment bit must run in the family.
"I mean, I-I'll need help and all, I just figure that I should considering..." She probably thinks I want her out of it, but I don't. I just couldn't stand back and let everyone else handle things if it really is Sam.
If. I have to get rid of the bad feeling, and hold onto the 'if'. Carly can do it, so I can too.
If.
I fucking hate that word now.
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Considering that she's his sister and I'm the girlfriend. I don't sound like much of anything when you look at it that way. Girlfriends aren't very important. If Sam did get into an accident, over someone so unimportant in the big picture, I think I'll hate him. I'll hate what he let me to do him too. I shouldn't have had that much power over him. I'm just me. I'm certainly not worth...what could have happened, but if it did, it was my fault.
"I know."
I didn't mean to try and take anything away for her, I just thought I might be able to help. I had to fill out a lot of official public record forms when my parents died, and while no one asked me to do the funeral arrangements, I took a lot of it on myself. It was a lot to manage, I thought I could save Arianna the heartache. If it is Sam, I mean. I don't want it to be, but I have to start thinking about it. They could be right, I have a five minute drive to prepare for the final word.
Something tells me that's not going to be enough. A lifetime wouldnt be either. I don't know how I'm supposed to brace myself for this.
"It's okay. He's your brother. I understand."
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