She's just that into you.
I think I'm doing a good job of pretending this isn't getting to me. It is, but I have no right to complain. I got what I wanted, and my boyfriend is alive and well. Adapting to suit his needs a little better is the least I can do to make up for getting him killed. I think after everything that happened, its what I owe him. Some peace and quiet
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No, enough would have been half of the original version. Or telling me the truth and talking things out like a rational person. This wasn't enough, it was too much. And Sam made it a hell of a lot worse by bringing Air Supply into this. I'm not so stupid that I wouldn't figure it out eventually, but he has a lot of nerve if he thinks I am.
"Obviously, you get it by now."
"Get what?"
He thinks I'm stupid, I might as well play it that way. I mean, wanting to keep from pushing him over the edge again was obviously extremely dumb of me, wasn't it? I should have known that he'd rather fight all the time than have a nice, peaceful relationship, because who wouldn't want yelling and overheated rooms when they could sex and cookies?
"Please tell me this means you're going to act like you again."
"Like me?"
Oh come on, I was still me. Its not like what's in the package changes when wrap it a different way. He had a version of me. A quieter, more compliant version, but I was still the same person. And the way he was acting did more to make me change than any of the things I was doing on my own, so I shouldn't be blamed for that.
I got up so that I didn't have the urge to do something like beating my boyfriend, and sat down on the bed.
And that put me in the vicnity of some less damaging things to beat him with, so I picked up one of the accent pillows and chucked it at his head.
"Youre such an ass."
A really, really annoying one. And I don't like him very much right now, either. As a matter of fact, I doubt he's going to be getting any sex or cookies for a while. This was pretty wrong.
Maybe I should make him sleep in the other room.
That would be funny.
Then I could blast Carrie Underwood in the middle of the night and see what he had to say about it.
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"Yeah, like you." Maybe she hasn't exactly gotten it after all. She got the idea of what I was doing, but the rest of it is just absolutely screwed. Freakin' fantastic.
Well, at least we got to this point before I had to do something more drastic than Air Supply. That would have most likely ended in bloodshed.
And just so it's clear... My blood. Not hers.
Hey! What the hell is the pillow over?!
"You're such an ass."
I caught it and still ended up getting smacked in the face somehow, and rolled my eyes at her. "Come on Carly. This isn't you. Just like the crap I've been pulling isn't me. You can't tell me you're happy with this whole quiet perfection crap."
I threw the pillow back at her, and waited for her to come at me again. "I don't want to fight all the time, but I don't want you acting like someone else in the process, alright?" I'm not going to tell her she was acting like my mother. That'll drive her straight over the freakin' edge.
Yeah, I do want to save myself. Just a little. Enough not to do that.
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"Air Supply is secretly you." I argued, catching the pillow so that I wouldn't get hit. I don't think what I was doing was so bad. It wasn't perfect, but it was different. And maybe it wasn't different in a way I was particularly happy with, but by acting that way, I didn't have to worry about Sam and I creating something we couldn't get out of.
Whether he'll admit it or not, that is how it happens. Neither of us start out wanting to fight with each other. I love Sam, I hate it when we don't get along. But then there's something to yell over, and it starts out with something small and just...it keeps getting bigger. Before we know it, we've taken the argument to a place so far away from the original problem, we can't get back to it.
And then he leaves. Or I lock myself in the bedroom. And then we're both mad over something that could have been a lot smaller if we had just stopped.
I don't know if I trust myself to go back to being like that. I don't right now, especially after what happened.
"I don't want to fight all the time, but I don't want you acting like someone else in the process, alright?"
Yeah, yeah. He loves me just the way I am, and all the bullshit that goes along with that. Uh huh. Whatever.
I'd really like to make sure that he doesn't die just because I cant change very well. But now, I tried. I changed. And I really can't help it if he doesn't want me acting like this, but I'd be a lot more comfortable if Sam would just let me stop worrying about killing him for a while. It wasn't too bad originally.
Honestly, I would have gotten tired of it eventually, even without the pushing.
"Letting it all out didn't exactly get us a happy relationship." I sighed. "I didn't want to risk anything bad happening to you again."
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"I thought it wasn't so bad. Y'know, in between fights." I really didn't. I like being with her. I'm comfortable where I am. When we're not pissing each other off? We're doing pretty well. That doesn't make us perfect, but who the hell wants that?
"Look, we're going to fight. If there's never a fight in a relationship, someone's cheating on the other person. Or, y'know, one of them is fighting to be insanely not themselves so nothing gets screwed up." Either or.
So with that out of the way. "What I said before? Wasn't bullshit." Unfortunately, for some reason, she's nuts enough not to believe that.
"So let me put it this way. We keep this crap going, and you continue to remind me of a person I don't like talking about? We are going to fight. Because I hate it. And I don't think you like it either."
Alright Carly, let's see what you do with that. I'm not going to accept things going this way. I won't accept things going this way. I don't stay with you for you to pull that, fighting and death and whatever the hell aside.
We wouldn't be together still if we didn't love each other for who we are. So cut the crap, and let us get back to our lives. We can work on things and have it be different from this.
So what's it going to be?
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"The fights were the problem."
The last thing I'd like Sam to believe is that I'm not happy with him, or that I wasn't before. Overall, I thought we were okay. I didn't realize how carried away I got in our arguments until he was dead, but death aside...I don't know. I think we'd be better if we didn't push so much. Mostly, I think Sam would be better if I didn't push so much. So I thought I'd give it a try.
"Look, we're going to fight. If there's never a fight in a relationship, someone's cheating on the other person. Or, y'know, one of them is fighting to be insanely not themselves so nothing gets screwed up."
Okay, maybe he's right about the second one. But the first one would never happen--unless Sam was the one doing the cheating. I'm worried about us, but that doesn't mean I'd ever look elsewhere. Although occassionally when I'm out with Alex or Arianna, I'll point out a good looking guy, or harmlessly flirt, thats not the same thing as what Sam is talking about here. I have the guy I want. I don't need anyone else.
So I don't think us not fighting will ever be about someone else. We seem to have enough in our lives to keep ourselves busy no matter what condition our relationship is in.
"What I said before? Wasn't bullshit."
I hate it when Sam reads my mind. He needs to stop because he's getting too damn good at it, and its not fair for him to know what I'm thinking. Then he defends his side of it before I can defend mine, and before I know it, I might as well just shut up and agree with him.
But then he'd call me on being too perfect, wouldn't he?
"Well it was stupid, regardless."
I flopped back against the bed dramatically. It was only partially intentional, but I think it got the point across anyway. This sucks. I don't know what to do here. It just feels like so much could go wrong if we go back the way we were.
And turning myself into a different person isn't making Sam any happier either, its just giving us new things to fight about. Because apparently he wants the fighting, and the drama, and the death, as long a he gets what he's paying it for.
"So let me put it this way. We keep this crap going, and you continue to remind me of a person I don't like talking about? We are going to fight. Because I hate it. And I don't think you like it either."
I remind him of his mother, don't I? That's the person he doesn't like talking about. Because his mother was...nothing like me. And if I'm acting nothing like me, I think that means I'm acting like her.
...I really don't want to act like her anymore.
"Come here."
No, this isn't a 'make Sam happy' sex thing. But I did pretty good at being made happy with those too.
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Does that mean it worked? That I actually won this one, without any crap coming of it? Or is this another revenge thing? And do I really want to know which one it is?
Crap. I might as well go over there and find out. It's not like what's going to happen will change either way. I'm hoping that got through to her though, because I don't want to fight.
I'm surprised she's not getting pissed over me even remotely implying that she was acting like my mother. It'd probably be worse if I'd actually said it. But it is true. That's exactly how she was.
Well, actually, no. My mother was worse. And didn't seem to know how bad she was. At least Carly knows how bad she is, she just doesn't think it's bad persay.
That would be the problem.
Maybe she doesn't get it. If she doesn't, I'll imply some more, but I'm not going to say it. I think she does though.
I got out of the computer chair, and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to her on it, and smirking over at her.
"Yes?"
Please tell me you get it. Please tell me this is over. I'll shave. I have no problem with not acting like a complete freakin' slob anymore. Just get it, and let us move on with our damned lives.
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"Lay."
I think after all the time I spent picking up after Sam and doing everything he wanted-whether he wanted me to or not- he can let me give a few orders now. Not too many or I'll complain about him being too perfect, but a few. And I think he's going to like where I'm going with this anyway.
I need time to get back to normal. I'm still not over what happened, and I don't know when I will be. Its hard to go back to having things the way they were, knowing that I could make the same mistake all over again if I'm not more careful.
But Sam doesn't want me to be more careful.
I turned on my side to face Sam when he complied with my command. Good boy. I'd give him the Carly equivalent of a gold star if we were talking about something else, and this wasn't quite as important as it is.
"I'm sorry. And I'll stop."
But I don't think there's any way to make Sam understand. The apology will have to stand on its own. I don't ever want to remind him of someone he spends most of the time pretending doesn't exist. In a lot of ways, that would be so much worse than being me.
We're alive now, he's not supposed to feel like I'm trying to kill him.
"I think it would be good to get away for a little while." I sighed, stretching out a little, and realized he probably thought I was talking about leaving him. "I mean, I think you and I should go somewhere together for a few days."
Someplace Sam has never been before. I don't want to go to Spain or somewhere european and run into some girl he never called or threw out of his hotel room, or something like that. Not that he'd ever actually throw a girl out, but I know his 'please and run' move. I think it got a lot of use before he came back here.
"And you should let me act like the spoiled little rich girl that I am and make the two phonecalls it would take to set this up tonight. We could be gone before anyone would miss us."
How's that for acting like myself?
"Unless you think its a bad idea. And I don't know where we would go, I just...I think it might take some of the edge off."
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I'll take 'lay' as a good sign. Anytime Carly utters the word 'lay', it's a good thing.
I laid down next to her, and turned so I was facing her, waiting for what she had to say. If it even remotely involves an explanation about why she's doing this, and why she can't stop, I'm going to have to get up.
But other than that, I'll listen.
"I'm sorry. And I'll stop."
Thank God.
"I think it would be good to get away for a little while."
... Okay, that wasn't entirely what I expected her to say next. Where the hell is this one coming from? "Huh?"
"I mean, I think you and I should go somewhere together for a few days."
"... Now?" Just leave? We can't do that. I mean, I guess we could, but completely just up and going... I don't know. It's not like we have the cash on hand, she'd have to call in a favor with someone connected to her family.
Her rich family. Her rich family who doesn't like me, except for Dan. I'm not sure how much I like this idea.
"And you should let me act like the spoiled little rich girl that I am and make the two phonecalls it would take to set this up tonight. We could be gone before anyone would miss us."
"Carly, I don't know..."
"Unless you think its a bad idea. And I don't know where we would go, I just...I think it might take some of the edge off."
"It's not that I think it's a bad idea..." I don't know, I guess it'd be alright. She's not going to want to go to any place I've been, and I can't say I'd blame her. But there's still places that I didn't get to, so it's not like we're completely out of options.
"... I guess. Yeah. If you think it'd work, sure."
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He never lets me do anything.
I sighed, moving closer to him and trying not to pout. So I'm being a little dramatic. It happens. And I know that he does let me get away with more than most men would, but that doesn't mean that I want us to be perfectly normal all the time. We're not normal.
We brought each other back from the dead, come on.
I agree with him that its important for us to have our own lives and not take advantage of my family's money, but I have plenty of it just sitting there in the bank. And unless I give it all away--which I do not want to do since we could need it someday, and which I probably couldn't do anyway because of the provisions in my father's will, we're going to have it whether we spend it or not.
He never liked my father, but this isn't the same thing as taking something from him. This is going somewhere with me because we've both been through hell and need a break.
But Sam doesn't see it that way, so we'll stay here and go about our lives as normal, without me trying to keep things better. Because Sam doesn't want better, and Sam doesn't want vacations, and Sam doesn't spend money that he didn't earn.
I love him, but God does that suck sometimes.
"Okay. I'll drop it."
Not because I'm still trying to be perfect, but because I know the money thing makes him uncomfortable. My house freaked him out enough when we were younger, I guess free vacations wouldn't be any different or better. Even though he'd be with me, having fun, and we've never gone anywhere together.
"It's not that I think it's a bad idea..."
"I know. I get why you don't like it."
I forced a smile--and I'd like to make it clear that it has nothing to do with the perfect kick. I just thought of going away, and asked Sam about it. I knew it was a long shot in the first place. He wouldn't agree to something like that unless it was really important for us to get out of town.
I was hoping he'd say yes, but I wasn't expecting it. This is still disappointing, but I knew he probably wouldn't go for it.
"... I guess. Yeah. If you think it'd work, sure."
"What?" I lifted my head, looking over at Sam for a second before it registered that he'd said yes.
"Do you mean it?" I grinned, pushing myself up and climbing on top of him in record time. "Seriously? We can go?"
This, I wasn't expecting. I like this. I'm going to kiss him before he can change his mind.
A lot.
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Hey, I'm already not sure I like this idea, I'm not going to repeat myself. I think she heard me anyway.
"Do you mean it?"
"Yeah, I mean it." I laughed a little when she jumped on me. She really loves getting her way. At least I have my girlfriend back, not the 'perfect' girl.
"Seriously? We can go?"
"Seriously." How much reassurance does she really need on this? ... I think if she's doing that, she doesn't need any more. That works out for me.
I don't like her going into her inheritance. I like us being established on our own, and crap like that. Usually, unless she wants to use the money she has, Carly's fine with that. And since she indulges me on that one, I keep my mouth shut and stay away from it when she is dealing in that money.
The thing is, we can't stay away from it forever. This'd be one of the moments where it'd be useful, and she really wants to do this. So I'll deal here. She can work it out, and I'll keep my mouth shut.
Maybe it won't be so bad. And we'll definitely be going to place I've never been to, so it'll be something new. It can work out.
Believe me, considering how she's doing it, I need my optimism here.
"So, where're we going."
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Crap. Now there needs to be a where. We're going someplace. Preferably, someplace far, and nice. I don't really have any requirements other than that. Just someplace far and nice where Sam has never been.
He did a lot of travelling, this could be harder than I thought it would be.
"I don't know." I looked down at him, trying to see if he had any ideas he wasn't telling me about, and realized he was probably even more clueless about this than I was.
"How about a beach? Not like a California beach, a clean one."
Greece. Greece has some beaches. They're on Wild On about it all the time. But maybe we don't want a wild beach. Wild beaches have a lot of alcohol, Sam couldn't be around that and call it a vacation.
I think if I suggested we stay in the country and check out the Hamptons, Sam would probably kill me. And it is relaxing there, but the people are snobs. He wouldn't like that, even if he's never been there. Besides, I have, so it wouldn't be fair.
"Have you ever been to Fiji?"
Fiji would be nice. Sam never mentioned the pacific islands. I don't think he cared to bother with them. And the beaches are some of the nicest in the world. Not to mention how I've never been there either. It would be something new for both of us.
"We could go to Fiji."
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