(no subject)
Sorry for the following, I don't know how I feel. My nature is taking over me. I feel like it would be more natural for me to be free from the restrictions that I have right now. I'm used to being empty on the inside, but wild and free on the outside. I feel like a caged bird. What's wrong with me? I want human affection, what can I say? Yet I am to represent something that calls me to die to self. To throw away foolish human feelings.
Mr C.S. Put it well when he said that people are amphibians. We are immortals attached to our mortality. Trapped in these all too human bodies.
It can be so confining.
Life is so frustrating at times. I feel like I am pulling a thousand bricks on a rope. I feel like no matter how much I try to move in the right direction, with twice the effort I have no motion. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm too old to be where I am right now. I am not the typical 18 year old senior. Here I am, in the computer lab at Pheonix waiting for my class to start at 3:45. A few computers down is this girl. She looks like a normal, pretty young girl. She's not. In the past five minutes she has used 33 cuss words. That may not seem like a lot, but do the math, I've been sitting here for almost 20 minutes. She seems so angry that even I can feel it. She was flirting with a guy, who also does not appear to have the nicest "kiss yo' mamma" mouth. Even he left because of her vocabulary. As soon as he was gone she started talking about how much he bothers her. Really? I'm to believe that some guy she was batting her eyes at (and most likely thinking dirty thoughts about) is someone that she can't stand????!? Sorry, but that is a bit of a stretch for me. I just hate seeing her this way, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER. I wish that I could tell her exactly what would make her feel better. I used to be her. Everything was something to grumble about. That is not a good place to be. She would rather complain about something that has no place in her life than talk about something that gives her joy. That was me. Only my grumbling was just a way to hide the fact that I was so empty inside. It gave me a sence of substance to moan about things to people. I never really got to let people know who I was. I was empty inside because I felt like the out-cast. I guess now I feel empty inside because I feel like the unlovable. But, even if I don't receive the love that people can offer, that can be so good at times, I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. This helps me tremendously. The girl made me really sad.
I had a talk today with Mamma Dee about how I feel so different than most teenagers my age. I am. Everyone is. Somehow, I have to see that everyone is sufferring or growing through some difference. I saw the entire 6th period production class congregating in the chorus room after school today and I realized thatI don't really fit in with them anymore. This is the first "theatre free" semester that I have had since, I believe, second grade. I have faith that GOd has great things for me though. It's weird. I'm used to spending so much time with the theatre people yet, because of how my life has changed I feel like I have no real connection with any of them. Now, the only people that actually really say hi to me in the halls are the Christians. And, they really don't know me either (with few exceptions). The only people in my life that I really feel like I have a connection with are people that I don't ever see. Mamma Dee, Mary Beth, Blake, Nathan, Heidi, Tyler(though that is rocky), Liz, Andrea, Maggie (though to what extent I don't know), Gretchen, Rachel, and probably a few more that my solemn state keeps me from induldging in. That's it.
With that, the question is forged, Does my life mean anything?
Mr C.S. Put it well when he said that people are amphibians. We are immortals attached to our mortality. Trapped in these all too human bodies.
It can be so confining.
Life is so frustrating at times. I feel like I am pulling a thousand bricks on a rope. I feel like no matter how much I try to move in the right direction, with twice the effort I have no motion. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm too old to be where I am right now. I am not the typical 18 year old senior. Here I am, in the computer lab at Pheonix waiting for my class to start at 3:45. A few computers down is this girl. She looks like a normal, pretty young girl. She's not. In the past five minutes she has used 33 cuss words. That may not seem like a lot, but do the math, I've been sitting here for almost 20 minutes. She seems so angry that even I can feel it. She was flirting with a guy, who also does not appear to have the nicest "kiss yo' mamma" mouth. Even he left because of her vocabulary. As soon as he was gone she started talking about how much he bothers her. Really? I'm to believe that some guy she was batting her eyes at (and most likely thinking dirty thoughts about) is someone that she can't stand????!? Sorry, but that is a bit of a stretch for me. I just hate seeing her this way, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER. I wish that I could tell her exactly what would make her feel better. I used to be her. Everything was something to grumble about. That is not a good place to be. She would rather complain about something that has no place in her life than talk about something that gives her joy. That was me. Only my grumbling was just a way to hide the fact that I was so empty inside. It gave me a sence of substance to moan about things to people. I never really got to let people know who I was. I was empty inside because I felt like the out-cast. I guess now I feel empty inside because I feel like the unlovable. But, even if I don't receive the love that people can offer, that can be so good at times, I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. This helps me tremendously. The girl made me really sad.
I had a talk today with Mamma Dee about how I feel so different than most teenagers my age. I am. Everyone is. Somehow, I have to see that everyone is sufferring or growing through some difference. I saw the entire 6th period production class congregating in the chorus room after school today and I realized thatI don't really fit in with them anymore. This is the first "theatre free" semester that I have had since, I believe, second grade. I have faith that GOd has great things for me though. It's weird. I'm used to spending so much time with the theatre people yet, because of how my life has changed I feel like I have no real connection with any of them. Now, the only people that actually really say hi to me in the halls are the Christians. And, they really don't know me either (with few exceptions). The only people in my life that I really feel like I have a connection with are people that I don't ever see. Mamma Dee, Mary Beth, Blake, Nathan, Heidi, Tyler(though that is rocky), Liz, Andrea, Maggie (though to what extent I don't know), Gretchen, Rachel, and probably a few more that my solemn state keeps me from induldging in. That's it.
With that, the question is forged, Does my life mean anything?