(no subject)
so like yea. i feel stuck in my life and nothing is happening and i just want things to happen, and not have to have a process to make them happen, and wait. i feel like things are not for a reason as much as they used to be. and i feel like i haven't seen my friends in a long while and i miss them terribly but things still need to get done and we all have our own lives of socializing and getting out. except well. damn this happening: i went to my friends' apt last night and there was this guy there who was the first guy since f0ing alex who i was interested in as a boy instead of just like "oh, he's cute" in passing. and then leanna and i left the party around 1, and had a really good time ourselves walking around and all. yay!
and then natalie was telling me about the rest of the night, and they went over to someone's apartment and she thinks a guy was hitting on her...and yea, you guessed it, it was my passing interest. darn. i am happy for natalie, she's been dating and seeing a lot of guys recently but i can't help being like, what am i doing wrong that keeps people away? why am i not as interesting as i think i can be? why am i childish? and also it was alright like even a week ago to not have any remote interest in anyone, it was a nice relief actually from craziness, but i reallyreallyreally want a crush and someone to like me back. its such a nice feeling. i feel very alone even though i am surrounded by people most of the time. its not the quality time that i need.
i know this is a transition year and i don't nearly have it as bad as others. but i want to choose new friends but i am also not spending the time i want to with my old friends, who are comforting and i love. so then i feel like crap because i am missing out on their fun, and becoming less a part of the group. i was about to erase that statement, but its true. i'm less a part of the group and becoming more individual friends again. which is what i have usually done in my life. but. TODAY i was not invited to a group thing for the first time in a long time. as in alex and ellie are going to do something and they secret coded it to each other in front of me because they had to discuss whether they were going to go. and natalie is going to the movies tonight because she made other plans before she made plans with me.
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm going to transfer and that way never have friends again.
and then natalie was telling me about the rest of the night, and they went over to someone's apartment and she thinks a guy was hitting on her...and yea, you guessed it, it was my passing interest. darn. i am happy for natalie, she's been dating and seeing a lot of guys recently but i can't help being like, what am i doing wrong that keeps people away? why am i not as interesting as i think i can be? why am i childish? and also it was alright like even a week ago to not have any remote interest in anyone, it was a nice relief actually from craziness, but i reallyreallyreally want a crush and someone to like me back. its such a nice feeling. i feel very alone even though i am surrounded by people most of the time. its not the quality time that i need.
i know this is a transition year and i don't nearly have it as bad as others. but i want to choose new friends but i am also not spending the time i want to with my old friends, who are comforting and i love. so then i feel like crap because i am missing out on their fun, and becoming less a part of the group. i was about to erase that statement, but its true. i'm less a part of the group and becoming more individual friends again. which is what i have usually done in my life. but. TODAY i was not invited to a group thing for the first time in a long time. as in alex and ellie are going to do something and they secret coded it to each other in front of me because they had to discuss whether they were going to go. and natalie is going to the movies tonight because she made other plans before she made plans with me.
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm going to transfer and that way never have friends again.