23
So I turned 23 a couple days ago. I loathe birthdays. Well, my birthdays at least, I don't mind other people's birthdays. All my self-doubt, pessimism, depression, insecurity, worry, frustration, and other negative feelings all culminate on my birthday. The days leading up to my birthday I feel morose, and I'm all mopey and broody and easily upset or pissed off. Every bad thing that happens in those days strengthens that feeling in my gut that says nothing ever goes my way. Old memories are dug back up and lamented over. The day before my birthday I talk myself down, start to feel a little better, think a little more positive. That's all undone when I look at the clock and realize it's midnight. All I can think of are all my flaws and tragedies and the seemingly inevitable unhappiness ahead of me. I'm not realizing anything new during my birthday, I think about these things all the time, but it's just so much powerful on that day, and much harder to distract myself from. My life is not where I want it to be, in almost every aspect I can think of. Around 2 in the morning I have one of those strong cries that I only have a couple times a year. Eventually I stop... maybe watch something funny on tv, or watch some porn (because it's hard to feel sad with an erection), then I go to sleep. Then, as usual, I have to get up early in the morning and go to school, and June 1st is always around finals time, so I have that shit to stress over. This year I ditched my boring script class, because I felt like I didn't deserve to have to sit there half-asleep listening to my classmates go on and on about nothing because they love the sounds of their own voices, and we don't learn much in that class any way, unfortunately. I still went to school though, to the computer lab, to work on some finals. After the lab closed I went home. Mom said happy birthday, brother Joseph said happy birthday, and even my baby brother said happy birthday. I have to admit the little one put a smile on my face. The rest of the day I just sat on myspace and read birthday comments and messages.
And that was my birthday. No presents, no party, nothing special. Just another day... but slightly worse.
HOWEVER... the day after, after class, I went down to Santa Monica to see my friends. We went to the movies, to see an animated foreign film called Paprika (which was fucking awesome), then we went to Ihop, and the food there was awesome. Then we went to the apartment and looked at tv for a little bit than went to sleep. Next day we just hung out and watched hilariously bad 80's action movies like "Bloodfist" and "Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight", and just had a good time making fun of it and laugh. So I did have some fun. It didn't change the way I feel about anything, but it did make me feel better. I don't know how I'd cope with life without my friends. It feels so good to be able to just be an ass and crack jokes and not worry about anything other than making each other laugh or deciding where to go to eat. Good stuff.
And that's that. My birthday downer post, hopefully come next birthday I'll have something sunny to say.
-stray
And that was my birthday. No presents, no party, nothing special. Just another day... but slightly worse.
HOWEVER... the day after, after class, I went down to Santa Monica to see my friends. We went to the movies, to see an animated foreign film called Paprika (which was fucking awesome), then we went to Ihop, and the food there was awesome. Then we went to the apartment and looked at tv for a little bit than went to sleep. Next day we just hung out and watched hilariously bad 80's action movies like "Bloodfist" and "Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight", and just had a good time making fun of it and laugh. So I did have some fun. It didn't change the way I feel about anything, but it did make me feel better. I don't know how I'd cope with life without my friends. It feels so good to be able to just be an ass and crack jokes and not worry about anything other than making each other laugh or deciding where to go to eat. Good stuff.
And that's that. My birthday downer post, hopefully come next birthday I'll have something sunny to say.
-stray