(no subject)
My life as I know it is changing. It's changing at lightening speed.
"It's difficult to find people who will love you no matter what."
So I have four friends. My sister. Vilma and Mirtha. and Maria. I suppose my sister doesn't count because she's my sister, and she's required to be my friend.
And I guess I can say, these are my only real friends. These are my Miranda, my Samantha, my Carrie, and my Charlotte. But I can't tell you how much I hate them sometimes. I suppose I have a lot of "yes men" in my life. Where I tell them anything--that I set someone's hair on fire, and they will sit there, smile, and tell me how great I am. But these girls..they don't do that. It used to be something I appreciated, but it's gotten worse over time. It's escalated to a point where we are rude to each other now. It's not loving, hopeful honesty..it's "YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME AND TAKE MY ADVICE OR I'M GONNA BE MAD AT YOU." There's no understanding anymore. It's just anger. It's being fed up and frustrated with each other. And I do the same exact thing with them. It's like we listen to each other and take time for each other, but we don't go the extra mile. Sometimes I want to scream "JUST STOP BITCHING AT ME". I don't want us to act like this with each other. I've developed into the monster that will tell you your hair is ugly and to change your shoes.
Before, I would have quietly fixed your hair and offered my shoes. Now? I just insult you, and I don't dare share my "precious" shoes. In all honestly this behavior developed from being best friends with Mirtha. I use it now as a defense mechanism. Mirtha would so thoroughly complain and insult everyone, and I would sit there quietly. But now, I do the same thing. I've finally lost sight of the difference between "the truth" and "my asshole opinion". I do it to her, I do it to Vilma, Maria, and Kathy. I ESPECIALLY do it to boys. Oh boy, do I do it to them.
But you know what I noticed? We don't do it to other people. I will be downright sweet and loving to everyone else, but not to them. And they do it to others too. Mirtha will leave comments to girls she barely talks to saying things like, "hey cutie love!" but none to me, Vilma, or Maria. Vilma will always answer Mike's texts but not usually mine, and Maria will stand on her head for others, but not for them. And I do the exact same thing. I will be ridiculously generous and googley-eyed with everyone else, but not to them anymore.
"Not anymore" is the phrase that really gets me. What happened? In our years and years of beautiful friendship, where did we go astray?
Or maybe I am just expecting too much? But I say that can't be it. If we are nice and loving to those we barely and I mean barely care for, why are we cold to the ones we couldn't live without?
Maybe it's because we think they'll never leave. Will we? Will we ever pick up one day and say, "I'm sick of your shit, I'm out." I hope not. And that is where the phrase, "'It's difficult to find people who will love you no matter what.'" comes in.
So this is my plea. My ridiculous plea on livejournal because I can't bare to say it to your faces. Merely because I will cry and shake and forget my words and sound like a blithering idiot. It's 7:21 in the morning and I couldn't sleep a wink all night because I can't stop worrying that my world (my friendships) are coming to a slow, torturous end.
I want to be able to tell you anything. I want to tell you that I just hooked up with President Bush and I want you to look at me with shock on your face and still love me. I can't have you yell at me, and say mean things. I want to tell you that I just had lunch with Josh Hyland, the devil, and I want you to look at me with shock and still love me. I want to tell you that I just joined the army and I want you to look at me with shock and still love me. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE MISTAKES. I want to be young. You say you want to be honest? I say I need understanding. So I'm not perfect, that's not news. My life in particular is full of ridiculous, unpredictable, crazy, FUN, happy times that don't mean shit to me unless I can tell Vilma, Mirtha, Maria, and Kathy. Because what is it unless I can tell these people? It's nothing. And it's not nothing because I wouldn't have anyone to share it with. It's nothing because I wouldn't have these girls, these four bright eyed, intelligent girls who know me inside and out, to share it with. Yet I don't want to tell them anything anymore. Anything. It's become a strain and a church-like confession when I tell them things.
I can't tell you how many times Mirtha has told me that she was fighting with Clifford about something that I totally didn't agree with. Something that I thought was stupid. But do you know what I did? I consoled her, drove her a million miles in every direction to see him, picked up the sad phone calls, and I never told her she was wrong. Because most of the time that's not what we need. Most of the time we don't need someone to tell us that we're wrong, or we're doing this or that wrong, we just need someone to frown at us and listen. To accept you just a little crazier, a little more learned, and a little more comfortable. We need someone to know everything crazy and horrible about us, and still love us.
Ah and this is my personal life. My innocent exploitation of all the people I love, and all of our problems. Eat your hearts out.