LIFE IS DRAMATIC, YOU FUCKS.
i cry when i have no control over my life.
like right now.
i'm tired all the time.
moody half the time.
i have very few friends and i can't talk to the ones i do have.
i can't decide about some people.
my family is upset with me about my weight and lack of faith in a religion that i cannot stand to belong to anymore.
i never hang out with anyone.
my best friend is my little sister.
i'm going to COLLEGE in two years and i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to go.
i don't want to grow up, i want to be a kid forever. i know it seems childish but i miss not worrying about what people thought of me, not having to think about anything that i have to now. life was never akward and the hardest thing in life was not getting that barbie you wanted.
as each minute goes by i know thats just one more minute less i have to grow up; to live; to be.
my mom asked me if i was happy with how i looked and i said yes, actually. and she, having brain damage, said "really? i know you like your personality, i can tell, but do you like the way you look, really? that pierced through me like a dagger. it really cut me deep. my mom, who i thought wouldn't judge me on my weight seeing as she never KNEW me, but i guess i was wrong there too.
i love volleyball but i cant try out. i cant phyically, but i cant. thats a delima in itself and i cant decide anymore.
acting is my passion and i love nothing else more than it but in drama lately i've been so bad. like, little shop ended and i ended with it. its pathetic and sad.
i try to be myself but i dont even know who that is.
and just when i think i'm comfortable someone will say the smallest little thing that shoots me down.
about my weight, or my personality, or my lack of friends.
and i dont know what people or even i want from me.
i never thought this before, but i really do need people.
i'm dependent on someone to be there.
its not a good thing but its true.
i'm either too weird or too boring or too dramatic or not enough for anyone. and if not, then they're too much or too little for me.
its a catch 22.
i wish i had someone who understood everything and just sat there while you cried, let you cry with them for awhile and then just always stayed with you. some people say that's god, but i cant feel him. whether thats lack of belief in my religion or whatever the fuck it is, i dont know. i hate everything right now.
i just want someone to understand everything.
someone who loves me for everything i am. as fat and boring and weird as i am.
thats all i want.
not a boyfriend, just a loyal friend devoted to me.
i'm sick and tired of having no one.
i want to write this forever and write my whole life out. i miss being little, i really do. before school where i had to worry about other people. i had my family and that was enough. now i never talk to my grandfather, and not really my grandmother either because she gets offeneded so easily. and i've never talked to my parents. i thought i could talk to my sister but i cant, shes got her own friends and life and i dont want to keep her from that.
and olivia is a good friend, but theres something in our friendship.
i want someone who will throw me a surprise party, or give me a hug when i'm sad but only they can tell, or let me talk ot them without judging me. thats all i want.
i want someone to sit and wipe away my tearswhen i'm sad. and i want to be that person for someone else.
like right now.
i'm tired all the time.
moody half the time.
i have very few friends and i can't talk to the ones i do have.
i can't decide about some people.
my family is upset with me about my weight and lack of faith in a religion that i cannot stand to belong to anymore.
i never hang out with anyone.
my best friend is my little sister.
i'm going to COLLEGE in two years and i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to go.
i don't want to grow up, i want to be a kid forever. i know it seems childish but i miss not worrying about what people thought of me, not having to think about anything that i have to now. life was never akward and the hardest thing in life was not getting that barbie you wanted.
as each minute goes by i know thats just one more minute less i have to grow up; to live; to be.
my mom asked me if i was happy with how i looked and i said yes, actually. and she, having brain damage, said "really? i know you like your personality, i can tell, but do you like the way you look, really? that pierced through me like a dagger. it really cut me deep. my mom, who i thought wouldn't judge me on my weight seeing as she never KNEW me, but i guess i was wrong there too.
i love volleyball but i cant try out. i cant phyically, but i cant. thats a delima in itself and i cant decide anymore.
acting is my passion and i love nothing else more than it but in drama lately i've been so bad. like, little shop ended and i ended with it. its pathetic and sad.
i try to be myself but i dont even know who that is.
and just when i think i'm comfortable someone will say the smallest little thing that shoots me down.
about my weight, or my personality, or my lack of friends.
and i dont know what people or even i want from me.
i never thought this before, but i really do need people.
i'm dependent on someone to be there.
its not a good thing but its true.
i'm either too weird or too boring or too dramatic or not enough for anyone. and if not, then they're too much or too little for me.
its a catch 22.
i wish i had someone who understood everything and just sat there while you cried, let you cry with them for awhile and then just always stayed with you. some people say that's god, but i cant feel him. whether thats lack of belief in my religion or whatever the fuck it is, i dont know. i hate everything right now.
i just want someone to understand everything.
someone who loves me for everything i am. as fat and boring and weird as i am.
thats all i want.
not a boyfriend, just a loyal friend devoted to me.
i'm sick and tired of having no one.
i want to write this forever and write my whole life out. i miss being little, i really do. before school where i had to worry about other people. i had my family and that was enough. now i never talk to my grandfather, and not really my grandmother either because she gets offeneded so easily. and i've never talked to my parents. i thought i could talk to my sister but i cant, shes got her own friends and life and i dont want to keep her from that.
and olivia is a good friend, but theres something in our friendship.
i want someone who will throw me a surprise party, or give me a hug when i'm sad but only they can tell, or let me talk ot them without judging me. thats all i want.
i want someone to sit and wipe away my tearswhen i'm sad. and i want to be that person for someone else.