death (x posted)
my grandma passed away tuesday night. in the few days since then, i haven't really been sure how to feel. my parents told my brother and i that she had been turning for the worse on sunday, so we went and visited her. it was so shocking and sad to see her in a hospital bed again. i felt so numb afterward. all i wanted to do was get rid of said feeling, so i drank. tuesday, i called my dad after class and he said that she might leave us that night, so i got to the hospital as fast as i could. at least we all got to say goodbye. she passed away just two hours after i left. i wasn't really sad when my dad told me she died when i got home after going out for dinner with andrea. but ever since then, i've been feeling very strangely. i've been unfocused, extremely tired, and feeling like i'm going to break down one minute, but then am fine the next. i haven't really let out my emotions and had a good cry over this yet. i'm thinking that the viewing and the funeral will do that for me. i hope that it will cleanse me of these feelings, because all i want to do is get drunk and do nothing. i can't afford to do that. finals are coming up, i have a job to go to, and i'm trying to get a second job. basically, i'm a little scared that i might relapse to my former addiction (you all should know what that addiction was... three years of my life i wasted on that) or i might become a bit of an alcoholic. i just want to be able to mourn my grandmother and move on. i have things coming up that i am excited about, but can potentially damage if i fall off the track i've laid out for them. i can't allow myself to do that. i just really wish that i could take a few days off of life and just do nothing. that would be super.