'Cause Things Are Gonna Change So Fast
Feeling like an empty shell again.
Having one of my days. The self-doubt, what the fuck am I doing with my life, I don't deserve love, life, etc. I don't know if it's a seasonal thing, or if it's just a fleeting moment. Hopefully the latter, but quite likely the former. This is why I hate Christmas. The depression. The desire to go sit in my room, cry, listen to music really loud and just bleed to death. Morbid? Perhaps. Post-adolecent melodrama? Likely. Whatever it is, and whatever the cause, I have this unshakable inferiority complex.
I have no direction, ambition, intellect. Any I do possess is wasted on a "career choice" destined to fail, for I lack any discernable talent or understanding. I'm in love, but I don't deserve him. He deserves better, someone more attractive, trendier, smarter, more active, etc. Someone with more common interests. Someone who's not a waste of precious resources. Is it sick to think that I'll be more valuble when I'm dead and fertilizing the soil? Ha, joke's on the universe, then... I want to be cremated.
He hates it when I tell him he deserves better. It frustrates him, he says. He says he tries so hard to be good enough for me, but I know it's a lie. Or, I think it is. Maybe he's actually telling the truth. I can hold onto that hope, right? Then there's the acting. Potts is constantly optimistic. And bloody Finn... his idealism makes me sick, perhaps because I see shades of myself in it. Not just with the show, but with everything. Everything is coming up roses with him, and you get drunk with him and he forces it on you. If you disagree, he'll defend his position to the death, even if the position is telling you that you don't suck. If you dare question your abilities, he'll only make you feel worse by telling you you're wrong. Ironic, how that works, isn't it?
I feel like a failure. As a student, daughter, grand-daugter, sister, actor, woman, friend, lover. I've let everyone down, including myself. Especially myself. Why? I don't know. I just am. I'm just not good enough.
Fuck. Just... fuck. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll go to work (as if that place isn't alienating enough), come home and work on my psych paper, my script memorizing, my play objectives, my UVic application... maybe go for a walk. Talk to Aaron. The more I accomplish, the less I'll have time to feel insignificant and inferior.
"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?"
Having one of my days. The self-doubt, what the fuck am I doing with my life, I don't deserve love, life, etc. I don't know if it's a seasonal thing, or if it's just a fleeting moment. Hopefully the latter, but quite likely the former. This is why I hate Christmas. The depression. The desire to go sit in my room, cry, listen to music really loud and just bleed to death. Morbid? Perhaps. Post-adolecent melodrama? Likely. Whatever it is, and whatever the cause, I have this unshakable inferiority complex.
I have no direction, ambition, intellect. Any I do possess is wasted on a "career choice" destined to fail, for I lack any discernable talent or understanding. I'm in love, but I don't deserve him. He deserves better, someone more attractive, trendier, smarter, more active, etc. Someone with more common interests. Someone who's not a waste of precious resources. Is it sick to think that I'll be more valuble when I'm dead and fertilizing the soil? Ha, joke's on the universe, then... I want to be cremated.
He hates it when I tell him he deserves better. It frustrates him, he says. He says he tries so hard to be good enough for me, but I know it's a lie. Or, I think it is. Maybe he's actually telling the truth. I can hold onto that hope, right? Then there's the acting. Potts is constantly optimistic. And bloody Finn... his idealism makes me sick, perhaps because I see shades of myself in it. Not just with the show, but with everything. Everything is coming up roses with him, and you get drunk with him and he forces it on you. If you disagree, he'll defend his position to the death, even if the position is telling you that you don't suck. If you dare question your abilities, he'll only make you feel worse by telling you you're wrong. Ironic, how that works, isn't it?
I feel like a failure. As a student, daughter, grand-daugter, sister, actor, woman, friend, lover. I've let everyone down, including myself. Especially myself. Why? I don't know. I just am. I'm just not good enough.
Fuck. Just... fuck. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll go to work (as if that place isn't alienating enough), come home and work on my psych paper, my script memorizing, my play objectives, my UVic application... maybe go for a walk. Talk to Aaron. The more I accomplish, the less I'll have time to feel insignificant and inferior.
"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?"