welllllllllllllllll
i've been thinking really intensely lately on my education.
for my entire life i have struggled to learn in the typical american academic environment and coming to college has not changed anything. my grades are still shitty, i still sit in class and fidget and shake for hours, i can't retain any information no matter how hard i try, the only classes that i'm doing well in this semester are my percussion classes and aural skills and if i had a better teacher i would be doing a whole lot better in aural.
i feel like i've become trapped in fredonia. trapped in western new york. i miss the city, i miss waking up to something different every day. every day i wake up i feel like i'm shackled to my bed frame with your average academic institutional figure scolding me for wanting to leave so bad.
and it sucks because i really do like fredonia. i love percussion and i have learned so much and gotten so much better since i've been here, but now the fact that i'm stuck here makes me physically and emotionally sick. i kind of wish last year that i had gotten out before i got in too deep.
school was not designed for someone like me.
i'm stuck. i'm lost. i'm incredibly confused. probably the most confused i've ever been in my entire life and i feel that continuing on this path where i do the exact same thing every day is not the way to figure anything out.
i need to find a way out of here.
mom is coming up on wednesday for my percussion ensemble concert where i'm playing this seriously sick piece. i'm going to tell her how unhappy i've become and how lost and confused its making me.
i feel absolutely terrible though. "hey mom and dad! i just wasted $25,000 of your money so you could send me to college so that i could finally figure out that this shit doesn't work for me, and now i'm still lost and have absolutely no direction, i'm just miserable and need to get out before everything that i identify myself as gets completely lost in a downward spiraling depression!"
lightning crashes outside of my window and i don't feel safe inside, but rather cold and lethargic. i would rather take my chances with the freezing rain and blinding light, than this false idea of comfort that i've been forced to believe is right for my entire life.
more on this topic later.
i need to get out of here.
for my entire life i have struggled to learn in the typical american academic environment and coming to college has not changed anything. my grades are still shitty, i still sit in class and fidget and shake for hours, i can't retain any information no matter how hard i try, the only classes that i'm doing well in this semester are my percussion classes and aural skills and if i had a better teacher i would be doing a whole lot better in aural.
i feel like i've become trapped in fredonia. trapped in western new york. i miss the city, i miss waking up to something different every day. every day i wake up i feel like i'm shackled to my bed frame with your average academic institutional figure scolding me for wanting to leave so bad.
and it sucks because i really do like fredonia. i love percussion and i have learned so much and gotten so much better since i've been here, but now the fact that i'm stuck here makes me physically and emotionally sick. i kind of wish last year that i had gotten out before i got in too deep.
school was not designed for someone like me.
i'm stuck. i'm lost. i'm incredibly confused. probably the most confused i've ever been in my entire life and i feel that continuing on this path where i do the exact same thing every day is not the way to figure anything out.
i need to find a way out of here.
mom is coming up on wednesday for my percussion ensemble concert where i'm playing this seriously sick piece. i'm going to tell her how unhappy i've become and how lost and confused its making me.
i feel absolutely terrible though. "hey mom and dad! i just wasted $25,000 of your money so you could send me to college so that i could finally figure out that this shit doesn't work for me, and now i'm still lost and have absolutely no direction, i'm just miserable and need to get out before everything that i identify myself as gets completely lost in a downward spiraling depression!"
lightning crashes outside of my window and i don't feel safe inside, but rather cold and lethargic. i would rather take my chances with the freezing rain and blinding light, than this false idea of comfort that i've been forced to believe is right for my entire life.
more on this topic later.
i need to get out of here.