Posted elsewhere... old DAoC guild forum!
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future.
Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it
is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push
the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle
twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of
these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions).
I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create
an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward
to. I did so. Awesome!
Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I am easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the
time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and !
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No way!"
Yes, way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head
cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such! a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I am pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, and then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The
dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking
my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. Youre not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep
into your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were
on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so myself.
Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future.
Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it
is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push
the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle
twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of
these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions).
I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create
an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward
to. I did so. Awesome!
Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I am easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the
time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and !
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No way!"
Yes, way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head
cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such! a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I am pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, and then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The
dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking
my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. Youre not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep
into your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were
on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so myself.
Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.