(no subject)
i have disappeared.
have you ever had someone in your life who seems to be a perfect complement to you? not a lover but a friend who feeds to you the tools that make you love yourself? that shows you the kind of person you want to be? have you ever spent a length of time away from this person and upon reunion you see that the differences in you mean one of two things: that you never knew each other at all or that one or both of you has changed so drastically that it is as if who the two of you used to be as a unit never existed?
one of the happiest times in my life was the year spanning from may to march of oh five and oh six. i was spending a lot of time with people i knew very well and people i didn't know at all. it was the only time in my life i have ever felt social and normal. it started with a girl's night of circle of death and ended with mugging down with a red-headed boy in a bathroom. these two events took place in the same apartment.
i am reading a book right now that chase lent to me or i took from him (what is it if the borrowing or stealing takes place five inches away from the lender?) and in it there is a chapter or two about context. it talks about crime rates in new york that went down with the removal of grafitti from subway cars. with the beginning of prosecution against subway fare skippers. it talks about the behavior of people not having necessarily to do with mentality but with physical surroundings. it leaves me wondering why in a broken down apartment with water stains on the ceiling and beer and wine stains on the carpet and couch and streamers and inflatable fish hanging from the ceiling i was happier than i had ever been. why i blossomed in a place twenty-and some miles from my home that i spent nights in be'cos i was too drunk to leave.
be'cos that place will never exist again do i stagnate? in that place i felt empowered and motivated. right now in my home where i am about to crawl into the bed i share with the first and last person i will ever feel safe with i feel like "now" is the only time and i have been deceived into believing there is anything else.
i think i quit writing in livejournal be'cos it made me feel mopey. melodramatic. am i thirteen again? really now.
have you ever had someone in your life who seems to be a perfect complement to you? not a lover but a friend who feeds to you the tools that make you love yourself? that shows you the kind of person you want to be? have you ever spent a length of time away from this person and upon reunion you see that the differences in you mean one of two things: that you never knew each other at all or that one or both of you has changed so drastically that it is as if who the two of you used to be as a unit never existed?
one of the happiest times in my life was the year spanning from may to march of oh five and oh six. i was spending a lot of time with people i knew very well and people i didn't know at all. it was the only time in my life i have ever felt social and normal. it started with a girl's night of circle of death and ended with mugging down with a red-headed boy in a bathroom. these two events took place in the same apartment.
i am reading a book right now that chase lent to me or i took from him (what is it if the borrowing or stealing takes place five inches away from the lender?) and in it there is a chapter or two about context. it talks about crime rates in new york that went down with the removal of grafitti from subway cars. with the beginning of prosecution against subway fare skippers. it talks about the behavior of people not having necessarily to do with mentality but with physical surroundings. it leaves me wondering why in a broken down apartment with water stains on the ceiling and beer and wine stains on the carpet and couch and streamers and inflatable fish hanging from the ceiling i was happier than i had ever been. why i blossomed in a place twenty-and some miles from my home that i spent nights in be'cos i was too drunk to leave.
be'cos that place will never exist again do i stagnate? in that place i felt empowered and motivated. right now in my home where i am about to crawl into the bed i share with the first and last person i will ever feel safe with i feel like "now" is the only time and i have been deceived into believing there is anything else.
i think i quit writing in livejournal be'cos it made me feel mopey. melodramatic. am i thirteen again? really now.