(no subject)
tomorrow i begin to write another chapter in my life. i wonder why sometimes people simply say "... begins a new chapter" without giving proper credit to the author? maybe to mask shame over the content or to protect against ridicule but these are things that i either don't feel or easily expel. it is important to know that these are my actions and no one else is governing them.
and so it is. tomorrow my address will be the same as the one that belongs to the first boy i ever really kissed. the first boy who ever saw my naked body. the first boy who ever meant anything to me be it good or bad. the boy to whom the honor belongs of being the subject of the worst thing i have ever done in my life. the only boy who has ever broken my heart and the only one who ever could. the boy who until less than two months ago i hadn't seen or allowed myself to think much about for five years. all of these things add up to either the most foolish thing i have ever done or the most beautifully thoughtless act of pragmatic abandonment that has ever existed.
it won't make any sense to anyone else. it barely makes sense to me. to an outsider it may seem stupid but to me it is romantic and perfect. i have never believed in fate before. he is teaching me that it is the most likely origin of all of this.
for the past year i have struggled with the want to be by myself. i don't know how to explain the contentment i feel now as a part of a whole except to say that it must be him. there is no other reason or rationale though for the first time in my life those two items are misplaced anyhow.
for the past five years i have said his name as little as possible if i couldn't completely avoid it. i don't know how to explain the joy my mouth experiences now as i whisper one syllable over and over to myself except to say that it could only be the syllable that belongs to him.
and so.
and so it is. tomorrow my address will be the same as the one that belongs to the first boy i ever really kissed. the first boy who ever saw my naked body. the first boy who ever meant anything to me be it good or bad. the boy to whom the honor belongs of being the subject of the worst thing i have ever done in my life. the only boy who has ever broken my heart and the only one who ever could. the boy who until less than two months ago i hadn't seen or allowed myself to think much about for five years. all of these things add up to either the most foolish thing i have ever done or the most beautifully thoughtless act of pragmatic abandonment that has ever existed.
it won't make any sense to anyone else. it barely makes sense to me. to an outsider it may seem stupid but to me it is romantic and perfect. i have never believed in fate before. he is teaching me that it is the most likely origin of all of this.
for the past year i have struggled with the want to be by myself. i don't know how to explain the contentment i feel now as a part of a whole except to say that it must be him. there is no other reason or rationale though for the first time in my life those two items are misplaced anyhow.
for the past five years i have said his name as little as possible if i couldn't completely avoid it. i don't know how to explain the joy my mouth experiences now as i whisper one syllable over and over to myself except to say that it could only be the syllable that belongs to him.
and so.