(no subject)
So.. I decided I needed a release and I need to let out all of the things that are keeping me from concentrating on doing homework, doing as well at work, and keeping me from happiness altogether. There is a whole lot of stuff on my mind and it's even hard just finding a place to start. So I guess I'll start at work. I hate CVS. I don't really enjoy a single second of working there anymore. It sucks because I have to take it so seriously. I can't be friends with the cashiers cause if I am they will take advantage of me. It takes all the fun out of it. I can only really be friends with the other shifts, and I barely ever see them because we don't work together. I am tired of having so many responsabilities, and with all that is going on in my life, in my house, and everything else, I feel like I will just totally wear myself out if I keep working like I used to.. which really makes me feel bad about myself. I used to go in there feeling like I was awesome and better than everyone else, and now I just feel average. It's even worse in school. I just have no motivation to try. How do you write a paper when you've got so much other stuff in your mind to think about? While you're sitting and waiting for a phone call and wondering what someone is up to, while you're thinking about the conversation your and your mom just had where your mom called your dad an asshole, when you just got off the phone with your dad where he was trying to find out what your mom was up to with spending money, while you're worrying that you're gonna be late in the morning to work because you will get a demotion right after your boss just helped you so much with getting a raise. I just feel like there are so many bigger things in my life that school just doesn't even matter to me anymore, and on top of it I feel like I keep letting my dad down by doing bad in school and planning to take a semester or two off. I feel so bad for my dad because of the situation my mom put him in. She's pissed because he's checking to see if he's spending her money and stuff, but he's losing so much that he's worked for his whole life. He's done everything in his power to make sure that his family has everything it needs, and now she just can't stand him. I am so terrified that I am going to end up doing that to my family one day. That I am going to settle for someone who doesn't treat me as well as someone else would or that doesn't care about me as much as someone else could, and that I am going to ruin a family.
I try so hard to do things well, and I try so hard not to hurt peoples' feelings, and I try so hard to be a good girlfriend, and I try so hard to be happy and to stay out of the house all the time to keep away from everything, but it seems like I can just never be good enough. I mean, it's one thing to not be good enough to other people, but when you don't even need someone to say you're not good enough and you just feel that way about yourself.. it's really hard. I can't keep up at work like I used to, I suck at school, I manage to hurt my friends even when I'm not trying to, and I start fights with Ron all the time. I mean.. seriously.. I just suck. I just always feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know.
I'll probaly edit this more later, but I'm talking to Justin right now about God and the conversation is getting kinda interesting. I don't think I'm done here.
I try so hard to do things well, and I try so hard not to hurt peoples' feelings, and I try so hard to be a good girlfriend, and I try so hard to be happy and to stay out of the house all the time to keep away from everything, but it seems like I can just never be good enough. I mean, it's one thing to not be good enough to other people, but when you don't even need someone to say you're not good enough and you just feel that way about yourself.. it's really hard. I can't keep up at work like I used to, I suck at school, I manage to hurt my friends even when I'm not trying to, and I start fights with Ron all the time. I mean.. seriously.. I just suck. I just always feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know.
I'll probaly edit this more later, but I'm talking to Justin right now about God and the conversation is getting kinda interesting. I don't think I'm done here.