im in the mood for mad fuckin updating
I began upon a glance. Perfectly timed. For one moment the world was completely in sync.
It was not a particularly special day. It was a little sunny but there were a few clouds hanging low in the sky. And the air had a thin chill lingering somewhere in its presence. It had all of the making of a completely ordinary day. However, on this most seemingly ordinary day, a most extraordinary occurrence crossed my path. I saw a boy's eyes. I saw his eyes… I saw into the, I saw past them, I saw them for everything that they were, and everything that they possibly ever could be. I saw into their depths. I saw something real and truthful and honest waiting to be found. What ever it was was hidden very cleverly. Tucked tightly into the outside corner of one of his beautiful eyes. In the crease just where the top lashes meet and begin to intertwine so effortlessly (but still so beautifully) with the lower lashes. It was hidden very well from the rest of the world. But not from me. Whatever it was that was hiding there…i saw it and my heart was pleading to find out more.
I caught a glance only briefly as I turned around in my chair to look at him standing in my room in a lab apron. But I knew it wouldn’t end at that, it couldn’t. And least I prayed that it didn’t end at that. There was something there. Something mean for me. That I was supposed to find. Days went by and I couldn’t remember every curve of his face anymore but his eyes were burned into my memory. I longed so badly to run my hand down the side of his face to feel its curve. But I couldn’t. Days went by and I longed to find the secrets that were hiding in the forlorn depths of this peculiarly intriguing boy. The boy that had instantaneously stolen my heart with just a simple glance and a few sly words. The boy who I had only been able to spot just that once…the day that the planets aligned [or whatever other meaningless forces of nature caused he and I to lock eyes so briefly.] but now that brief glance seemed further away than ever… but still, it lingered on in my awe-stricken mind relentlessly. It stretched far beyond my own understanding into a whole new realm of human emotion and beautiful… it was more beautiful that the cheap colored neon lights that you see at 3a.m. in the city… more beautiful than snowfall in the middle of may… more alluring than a brilliant red rose in the dead of winter… it was unimaginable. I prayed and hoped for so many things all at once, but never in my life had anything managed to work out in my favor, so why would the world ever-so-suddenly change its predetermined destination just so I could be so-much-as somewhat pleased? Just so two completely estranged hearts could be united for just one glorious moment in all of time. Never… I knew it would never happen
For days at a time I would sit in my room dreaming of what I would dare say if I ever did get to see this enchanting boy again. I imagined myself speaking deliberately and eloquently. The words flowing effortlessly and impressively out from between my two pleading lips. I pictured myself winning this boy over in a matter of minutes just by taking his fancy with my winning choice of words. However, we all know that nothing works out as planned, and I knew that even though I wished to sound lavish and striking when (IF) he and I ever spoke, I would probably end up standing in front of him wide eyed with my jaw hanging open. And if I did manage to get any words out they would probably be the FARTHEST thing from impressive there is. It would probably sounds like a bunch of muddled garbage all lumped together in a heaping pile of stuttered NON-words.
More and more time passed and I still did not see the boy.
My friends spoke of a boy who I had not yet met [at least not knowingly] , but I was so enthralled with the boy I had seen that day that I took absolutely no interest in going to see this other piece. After days the boy still hadn’t turned up. I gave up on looking. I carried on my life as I usually would have. Going to class, drinking myself stupid with my fiends, and writing. The difference was that, though I usually did all of this with a clear mind, this time my mind was far from clear. My entire mind was befuddled by this image of him that was burned so vividly into my brain. I just couldn’t help it. It was late one night. And I was not doing very well on the affair of sleeping. Things never seemed to work out very beautifully for me in that field. I decided to go outside into the courtyard to think and have a cigarette. I did my best thinking while I was smoking. Things were just clearer that way. There I sat on that cold concrete step inhaling the smoke and the black of the mysterious crisp night air. As I exhaled I noticed that the smoke I blew out hung almost as heavy in the air as my heart hung in my chest. I began to feel somewhat tired [but looking back, I think I was just hoping to be tired] and I decided that maybe I should try to take on the art of sleeping once more. I stood up… opened the heavy metal door, and made my way back up the stairs… just as I had many of the other nights before. My heart felt incomplete, like a huge chunk of it had just up and took off without so much as a moment’s notice. There I was finally out on my own in the ‘real’ world and I was totally at a loss. I opened the next door and trudged slowly down the horribly lit hallway. The buss of lights was annoying… just like it had been many of the other nights before. The lights sounded like hundreds of horrible little bees hovering overhead trapped up there by a plastic wall that just appended their buzzing and made it sound thousands of times worse. But then again, it was just like any other night… and just like the many of the other nights before. BUZZ (step…step) BUZZZZZ (left…right) BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. STOP. There he was. The boy. Sitting in the middle of the hall. Had I really wasted that much time searching when this boy was sitting in the middle of the hall?? Was he there the whole time? Had I just not seen him sitting there the whole time? His back was pushed up against what I assumed had to be his door. He was on the phone, deeply arguing with someone. It was not a quiet argument and it was quite clear that the someone he was arguing with was NOT a male. My heart shattered instantaneously. I was beside myself. I passed slowly. I gave a small smile and wave, and mouthed ‘are you ok?’ he gave a sort of pleading look back and a small smile, but he said not a word that night. Neither did i. I put my head back down and kept walking. I had been defeated. The eyes that I would have given my life for were already spoken for by that horrible girl on the other side of his conversation. And who was I, a complete stranger, to step in on a relationship that I had absolutely no comprehension on. Again…I was left out in the dark. The door slammed shut in my face and I watched it all happen. Again…I was left just a girl. Never to be a star. Never would some kind of wonderful boy come to sweep me off of my feet and carry me away from the cruel haunting life that I was living. It wasn’t meant to be. I was meant to sit back and watch as all of the other girls got whisked away by their heroic lovers. Ha yeah, I could watch. Always an audience. I knew that I would never find anything so real or true as what i had seen hiding in the corner of that boy’s eye. I knew that no neon lights would ever come half as close to what he was… nothing could be that beautiful. And right there I gave up. I opened my door… took a quick look back at him and I hauled my sorry, defeated ass back into my room… into my bed… knowing that all of the hope that I had ever had, had been lost SO INTANTANEOUSLY back out there in that hallway where someone else’s boy was sitting so perfectly.