Stream of conciousness
My final paper for English class is due in 12 hours, and I'm angry at myself that I procrastinated so much. I've been trying to clear my head without actually talking about the things that are bothering me, or actually articulating my thoughts. I have not spoken to Brandon since that last post. About a week ago he had started harassing me again, half of the voicemails started out with "I won, and I always will win" he also said that the calls and voicemails won't stop until I change my number, and when I do, he will find that number and harass me again. I did change my number finally, it was a lot easier than anticipated. Another one of his voicemails started out with "I don't understand how I could love somebody so much, but hate them so much that I want to impale them." I went to the Scranton Police last Monday night to get some advice at least, upon Julie's suggestion. When he "officer" came out to speak with me I could tell from the look on his face that he felt inconvenienced by two twentysomething girls that showed up in the middle of the night to start shit at the police station. I gave him a brief synopsis of the situation, and Julie told him that I'm worried that a PFA will make him come after me, I asked him if he could at least give me advice, he said, "About what?" So I walked outside and sat in the car and lit a cigarette, Julie came out shortly after me flipping off the cameras which seemed counter-productive. She wasn't even in there 2 minutes longer than I was, and in that time he told her that just because he threatened to kill me in the past but he's not now doesn't mean that he will. She told him that it's sad that this is how the police treat situations like this as she stood up, and he put his hand on his taser and the other in front of him like he was warning her to calm down. She wanted to go back inside, but I told her that it was in our best interests to leave, so after some coaxing, we did.
The next day I changed my number before he had a chance to call me for the first time of the day. I called Women's Resource Center a few hours later, and the lady that I spoke to wasn't exactly helpful. She asked me "Hasn't he found a new girlfriend yet?" I told her that I don't care and that's not the issue. She said at another point "He sounds like an angry guy" and advised me to look for somebody else who will treat me right. I'm really not concerned with any of that, I asked her specifics about things, which seemed go go in one ear and out the other. She gave me the number to legal aid though... I explained to her what happened at the police station and told her that it's so fucking stupid that I have to prove that I did nothing wrong or that I'm not provoking him, blah blah.. but she asked me why I felt that way like she had no concept of that. She works for a women's shelter, how would she not understand this?
It's hard for me to not slip back into paranoia. I finally decide to do something after all of this time of keeping contact but keeping it copacetic for my benefit, except this is not benefiting me at all, and I will not let the fucker "win" like hge thinks he is. I shouldn't have to live my life in fear of when he will catch up with me, or do some insane spiteful shit. I realized the other day that I have become such an angry person. It bothers me so much that I can't relax or even clear my head. Things started changing when Brandon got out, and slowly led into me being angry and afraid. It seemed like things were actually going to be different. It seemed like he was really struggling to live in the real world as a sober person and that he really did want better things in his life for the right reasons. He kept using, and he would tell me to help him, so I started telling him that I knew that there was a part of himself left that hadn't been taken over by his addiction, because that's how it was with me. He engaged me with this concept just long enough for me to get sucked back into his stupidity. I told him one day "I know that I said I want to be two people in a relationship and not two halves of a whole, but I can't lose you again. I need you." and that's when things started going downhill again. I see now that since I had called him on so many of his maniupaltion tactics that he figured out a new and different way to get into my head. I told my mother how stupid I feel about this, but she told me not to feel stupid because I was being a good person and giving him another chance even though he didn't deserve it,and that he exploited that opportunity. It gets so tiring because I am on guard all of the time, and when I did let my guard down, this happened. I'm surprised that I haven't gotten any whacko mail from him yet, maybe I should be expecting a human head in the mail. I have so little energy anymore, and I don't want to expend the energy necessary to effectively handle this situation. I'm working on getting my body back to the way that it was functioning prior to his release, but I don't want to get out of bed, and I don't want to face anything. I feel sometimes as if he broke me, except I had enough diginity and self-respect to stay cautious with a lot of things, and part of the reason that he left me so many of those very angry voicemails is because he was trying to break me. When I told him that he didn't control my life is when he fucking lost it. I didn't say much to the people in my life about him when I did mention him for a while because when I wanted to say something I realized that I was justifying his idiocy. But it's not just that he's an idiot or a douche, or makes decisions that only hurt him, or that he's an addict. His goal in life is to be the alpha male at all costs, he wants to hurt people when the slightest thing does not go his way. That time that he chased me through the house and threatened me vividly in front of his grandmother was because I smoked a cigarette in his room. His tactic is to scare people into submission, because he equates that with respect. he doesn't have the ability to even feel empathy.
And I do realize that all of the experiences in my life have led me up to this point. And sometimes when I get stressed I remember that at least I have my own apartment and my own things, and pets that I can take care of, I'm sober, finally, an I love and respect myself. At least I'm not sleeping in the woods next to him at the end of winter with only a hoodie and a blanket because he made us homeless. But sometimes putting things into perspective like that doesn't allow me to feel the very valid emotions that I'm experiencing. I have a hard time not being angry with just myself. And it's not fair because he has ingrained this new concept of guilt within me after 5 years. I do my best to fight that, but sometimes it still sneaks up on me and makes it so difficult to even want to stick up for myself with him. I have conquered myself and my past and those that useless shame, except he slid those feelings back into my brain without me noticing until it got to the point that now I don't want to get up, I want to sleep all day, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be productive, I don't want to do anything except exist. I'm not sure how to feel these feelings healthily. I spent so many months locked in my room having very little human interaction, working on myself and becoming the person that I've known that I can be. But it feels pointless sometimes now. I feel like no matter what I do with my life, good or bad that he broke me. But if I continue to live my life this way then he really will win.
The thing that sucks the most is that I have to feel these feelings to be able to get through to the other side because they are there all the time whether I want to acknowledge them or not. But when I think about him, the situation, and myself within the situation, it is so unbearable that I don't want to go any further into the thought. I have been thinking about getting high so much lately, and I had barely thought about it until this. I firmly believe that a slip doe not necessarily equate a relapse, that you have the choice of whether or not to keep using after that, but the way that I have been feeling, I know that I will pick up where I left off and lose maybe not necessarily my worldly posessions, but myself. I can't lose myself again. This is what he wants.
I'm also not especially happy that the few friends that I have, the few people that I speak to don't put as much effort into our relationship as I do. I understand that people have their own lives, but I make a point of being a good friend, but very few times have these people checked on me to see how I'm doing, or what's up with my life, or anything of the sort. Sometimes I really feel alone. And not in the sense of personal physical solitude, but as a concept of being the only person invested in me. I need to be my own motivation and inspiration, but I need support, and I need help sometimes. I can't get myself out of this alone as much as I wish that I could.
And I want so badly to either go to sleep right now, or talk to somebody for a while, or otherwise take my mind out of reality as I comprehend it at the moment. But now my paper is due in 11 hours due to wanting to relax and get my mind off of things. I have such a hard time staying focused anymore, and if I procrastinate more than I will fail this class. This is what he wants. But at the same time, I need to take a short break. I just don't like how this day is turning out so far.
The next day I changed my number before he had a chance to call me for the first time of the day. I called Women's Resource Center a few hours later, and the lady that I spoke to wasn't exactly helpful. She asked me "Hasn't he found a new girlfriend yet?" I told her that I don't care and that's not the issue. She said at another point "He sounds like an angry guy" and advised me to look for somebody else who will treat me right. I'm really not concerned with any of that, I asked her specifics about things, which seemed go go in one ear and out the other. She gave me the number to legal aid though... I explained to her what happened at the police station and told her that it's so fucking stupid that I have to prove that I did nothing wrong or that I'm not provoking him, blah blah.. but she asked me why I felt that way like she had no concept of that. She works for a women's shelter, how would she not understand this?
It's hard for me to not slip back into paranoia. I finally decide to do something after all of this time of keeping contact but keeping it copacetic for my benefit, except this is not benefiting me at all, and I will not let the fucker "win" like hge thinks he is. I shouldn't have to live my life in fear of when he will catch up with me, or do some insane spiteful shit. I realized the other day that I have become such an angry person. It bothers me so much that I can't relax or even clear my head. Things started changing when Brandon got out, and slowly led into me being angry and afraid. It seemed like things were actually going to be different. It seemed like he was really struggling to live in the real world as a sober person and that he really did want better things in his life for the right reasons. He kept using, and he would tell me to help him, so I started telling him that I knew that there was a part of himself left that hadn't been taken over by his addiction, because that's how it was with me. He engaged me with this concept just long enough for me to get sucked back into his stupidity. I told him one day "I know that I said I want to be two people in a relationship and not two halves of a whole, but I can't lose you again. I need you." and that's when things started going downhill again. I see now that since I had called him on so many of his maniupaltion tactics that he figured out a new and different way to get into my head. I told my mother how stupid I feel about this, but she told me not to feel stupid because I was being a good person and giving him another chance even though he didn't deserve it,and that he exploited that opportunity. It gets so tiring because I am on guard all of the time, and when I did let my guard down, this happened. I'm surprised that I haven't gotten any whacko mail from him yet, maybe I should be expecting a human head in the mail. I have so little energy anymore, and I don't want to expend the energy necessary to effectively handle this situation. I'm working on getting my body back to the way that it was functioning prior to his release, but I don't want to get out of bed, and I don't want to face anything. I feel sometimes as if he broke me, except I had enough diginity and self-respect to stay cautious with a lot of things, and part of the reason that he left me so many of those very angry voicemails is because he was trying to break me. When I told him that he didn't control my life is when he fucking lost it. I didn't say much to the people in my life about him when I did mention him for a while because when I wanted to say something I realized that I was justifying his idiocy. But it's not just that he's an idiot or a douche, or makes decisions that only hurt him, or that he's an addict. His goal in life is to be the alpha male at all costs, he wants to hurt people when the slightest thing does not go his way. That time that he chased me through the house and threatened me vividly in front of his grandmother was because I smoked a cigarette in his room. His tactic is to scare people into submission, because he equates that with respect. he doesn't have the ability to even feel empathy.
And I do realize that all of the experiences in my life have led me up to this point. And sometimes when I get stressed I remember that at least I have my own apartment and my own things, and pets that I can take care of, I'm sober, finally, an I love and respect myself. At least I'm not sleeping in the woods next to him at the end of winter with only a hoodie and a blanket because he made us homeless. But sometimes putting things into perspective like that doesn't allow me to feel the very valid emotions that I'm experiencing. I have a hard time not being angry with just myself. And it's not fair because he has ingrained this new concept of guilt within me after 5 years. I do my best to fight that, but sometimes it still sneaks up on me and makes it so difficult to even want to stick up for myself with him. I have conquered myself and my past and those that useless shame, except he slid those feelings back into my brain without me noticing until it got to the point that now I don't want to get up, I want to sleep all day, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be productive, I don't want to do anything except exist. I'm not sure how to feel these feelings healthily. I spent so many months locked in my room having very little human interaction, working on myself and becoming the person that I've known that I can be. But it feels pointless sometimes now. I feel like no matter what I do with my life, good or bad that he broke me. But if I continue to live my life this way then he really will win.
The thing that sucks the most is that I have to feel these feelings to be able to get through to the other side because they are there all the time whether I want to acknowledge them or not. But when I think about him, the situation, and myself within the situation, it is so unbearable that I don't want to go any further into the thought. I have been thinking about getting high so much lately, and I had barely thought about it until this. I firmly believe that a slip doe not necessarily equate a relapse, that you have the choice of whether or not to keep using after that, but the way that I have been feeling, I know that I will pick up where I left off and lose maybe not necessarily my worldly posessions, but myself. I can't lose myself again. This is what he wants.
I'm also not especially happy that the few friends that I have, the few people that I speak to don't put as much effort into our relationship as I do. I understand that people have their own lives, but I make a point of being a good friend, but very few times have these people checked on me to see how I'm doing, or what's up with my life, or anything of the sort. Sometimes I really feel alone. And not in the sense of personal physical solitude, but as a concept of being the only person invested in me. I need to be my own motivation and inspiration, but I need support, and I need help sometimes. I can't get myself out of this alone as much as I wish that I could.
And I want so badly to either go to sleep right now, or talk to somebody for a while, or otherwise take my mind out of reality as I comprehend it at the moment. But now my paper is due in 11 hours due to wanting to relax and get my mind off of things. I have such a hard time staying focused anymore, and if I procrastinate more than I will fail this class. This is what he wants. But at the same time, I need to take a short break. I just don't like how this day is turning out so far.