(no subject)
I feel tweaked out and unproductive. I need to be at the studio in two hours for a critique and I don't feel prepared.
I've been doing so much, taking in so much artwork, traveling through so many random countries that I can barely even write in my journal. It's like there's so much coming at me that I can't react. Despite all the new people and places, I feel distinctly alone- especially now, as I've taken the day off to work from my room. My roommate is out and it's so quiet, except for my mind which is still vibrating from the impact of the last few weeks.
I'm totally lost. I wonder how I will meet anyone in Berlin. How I will get by on my own? During these programs I've been with a group, constantly hustled around, introduced to new people and art and ideas. In less than two weeks, I will be moving to Berlin by myself. What on earth will I find there?
People say, you will come back changed. It's supposed to be true and so I decided to go, because I want my life to change. But how? I couldn't say.
I find myself so often on the outside of things, looking in. I feel like a ghost, haunting books and websites, hanging on to descriptions of life as I wish I could live it. I send out messages, searching for artists, searching to network, searching for something to do when I get to Berlin. Rarely do I get any kind of response, and it makes me wonder if I exist. I'm afraid I will find myself just as alone in Berlin as anywhere else, just as shifting and lost.
It seems like my dreams are outdated, that I'm holding on to the dreams I had a year or two ago. As I put together my website, I found a list of goals that I had compiled from the spring before last- over a year ago. I looked at those goals with frustration... so many of them I still feel I have no properly achieved, while the others seem naive or juvenile.
I don't feel like I've achieved enough to be a mature artist or to satisfy the desires I had when I was younger and thought I could do anything... yet I feel as though adulthood has come, whether I'm prepared or not. I don't want to go back to Boston where I could so easily hide, but I don't know where else to go.
I'm unprepared for this critique and it's scary. I wish I didn't have to be an adult. I'm homesick and scared of life.
I've been doing so much, taking in so much artwork, traveling through so many random countries that I can barely even write in my journal. It's like there's so much coming at me that I can't react. Despite all the new people and places, I feel distinctly alone- especially now, as I've taken the day off to work from my room. My roommate is out and it's so quiet, except for my mind which is still vibrating from the impact of the last few weeks.
I'm totally lost. I wonder how I will meet anyone in Berlin. How I will get by on my own? During these programs I've been with a group, constantly hustled around, introduced to new people and art and ideas. In less than two weeks, I will be moving to Berlin by myself. What on earth will I find there?
People say, you will come back changed. It's supposed to be true and so I decided to go, because I want my life to change. But how? I couldn't say.
I find myself so often on the outside of things, looking in. I feel like a ghost, haunting books and websites, hanging on to descriptions of life as I wish I could live it. I send out messages, searching for artists, searching to network, searching for something to do when I get to Berlin. Rarely do I get any kind of response, and it makes me wonder if I exist. I'm afraid I will find myself just as alone in Berlin as anywhere else, just as shifting and lost.
It seems like my dreams are outdated, that I'm holding on to the dreams I had a year or two ago. As I put together my website, I found a list of goals that I had compiled from the spring before last- over a year ago. I looked at those goals with frustration... so many of them I still feel I have no properly achieved, while the others seem naive or juvenile.
I don't feel like I've achieved enough to be a mature artist or to satisfy the desires I had when I was younger and thought I could do anything... yet I feel as though adulthood has come, whether I'm prepared or not. I don't want to go back to Boston where I could so easily hide, but I don't know where else to go.
I'm unprepared for this critique and it's scary. I wish I didn't have to be an adult. I'm homesick and scared of life.