(no subject)
HEY BITCHES.
So I had a super eventful week/day and for YOUR convenience I will cut it.
I'll start with Friday. So Ricky was staying with me, and we were fighting a LOT. I was stressed and irritated and he was taking O-ffence at my tude.
So we fought a lot.
And we were in the car on the way to his mother's house which is TWO hours (when I am driving) from my home (IN OLYMPIA BITCHES.) so that's PLENTY of time to talk. So I thought we worked it out. Basically he hates that I am trying to get him to stop smoking because he is the one who told ME that he wanted to quit, but now he has realized that it's a hard thing to do so he doesn't want to quit anymore. So I was counting how many cigarettes he had and bitching whenever he told me that he wanted one....NOT the best way to handle it, granted....BUT, it's not like I can change it now. Now I just outright tell him that he smells bad and that I don't like to kiss him when he has a cigarette, and he HAS slowed WAY down, so I guess I have to be happy with what he's giving me.
But then we got to his mother's house and everything was totally kosher. We stayed up WAY too late watching movies with his mother, and I fell asleep on the couch with him holding me.
THEN on Saturday, everything was good again. He was happy and I was happy and everyone was happy. Then his brother called and asked Ricky if he wanted to go to a car show with him and RIcky said YES right away. I'm cool with that. I'm happy that he is mending his relationship with his little brother and spending time with him...it's good. So then his brother got home and said that they were going to have to get another ticket for me, and RIcky cried out "NO" and said that I was going home. (I didn't take offense at that because I already said that I was going to go home because my mother was on a trip and I needed to feed the animalia.) So, although I didn't take offense at it, I could tell that he was pulling away. So instead of going straight home, I went to Kate's and hung out with Kate, Laine, James and Sarah. I regaled them with HILARIOUS stories of college life and dorms and Ricky and whatnot. Then I went home and fed Junior and the cats.
Then I couldn't sleep, so around four-thirty or so, I called Ricky because he did NOT call me after going to a building with a FOAM PARTY and strippers.
WTF? You say?
I agree.
So he talked to me for about two seconds and said that he wanted to go back to sleep and that he'd talk to me later and hung up.
Then did NOT answer the phone EVERY time I called him on Sunday.
So I'm wondering what the fuck is going on,
(P.S. LAURA! ARE YOU WATCHING HOUSE RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE I AM!!!!)
and I can't think of anything I had done that would make him mad, because when he's mad at me, he doesn't talk to me because he likes to think it out before he will discuss it.
So I'm actually pretty scared, because I wouldn't put it past him to just end things if he got mad enough...
Then I woke up on Monday and ran some errands at school and I called him around 12:30 or so, and he answered his phone and I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he didn't want to talk about it. I persisted and he said that on Sunday, the reason he didn't answer his phone was because he went to Canada and forgot it. So I asked him if it would be cool for me to go someplace full of half-naked men all oiled up and looking for sex and then leave the COUNTRY and not call him when I got home.
(P.P.S. LAURA! IT'S A FUCKING RERUN. GODDAMMIT.)
And he said that it would NOT be cool.
So once again....WHATTHEFUCK.
Then Kate called, so I said that I had to take this other call and that I'd talk to him later, especially because I don't want to yell at him and have him be mad at me when I am mad at HIM.
Then he wouldn't answer any more of my calls and so I called his mother's house because he left his knee brace and he is supposed to wear it WHENEVER he puts weight on his knee, and he just doesn't because he is a stubborn fuck, and his brother answered the phone and I asked him if Ricky needed the brace and Robby didn't know.
I finished my homework and I was just going stir-crazy so I decided to drive up to his mother's and just give him his knee brace as an excuse to see him and figure out if I could help him be less stressed out.
So after a two hour drive, I got to the house and the most of the lights were off, except for the outside lights, and it was only ten-thirty. (Look at the entry further up and you'll see that his mother usually stays up til FIVE at LEAST. And all of a sudden one of the lights upstairs went off and Ricky walked out of the house.
I'm feeling like SHIT and he walked up and gave me a hug, but it was one of those loose hugs that you give your grandma which is NOT how he hugs me usually. He usually hugs me so hard I can't breathe, OR he picks me up to hug me. He did neither of those things. I said I loved him and he was quiet for a long time and then he said it back, but there was something wrong. I could feel it.
Then he asked if I wanted to go get an Italian soda, and I said no, but I'd take him to get one. So in the car we spoke of REALLY inane and bullshitty things that didn't really affect us at all or what was going on. So we went to the stand and he got a coffee and I pulled into the parking lot next to the stand and turned off the car, turned to him and asked what was going on with him and he said "I don't know" for the MILLIONTH time. And I said that that wasn't an okay answer because I'd given him all day to think and now he needs to tell me what is stressing him out so badly, and he said I don't know. Then I asked if he was mad at me, and after a really long time he said that he felt "smothered" and that I was "too controlling." So I asked him what that meant and he said "I don't know." So I said that he only wanted me when he wanted me, for sex, and to care for him, but not about what he does. And he said "No." And I said, "No? You don't want me for that? What do you want me for then?" And he said "I don't want you at all."
I said, "I can't fight that."
It felt like he fucking punched me in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. At all.
I was bawling so hard I couldn't see straight.
So I drove him to his mother's house and he opened the door, got out, said "goodbye" and didn't turn back around. (I learned later that he did, in fact, turn around at the door.) I got to the end of the street, turned off my car and just cried and cried and cried.
I called my mother and told her and she put some money in the bank so I wouldn't run out of gas in Mt. Vernon. I love her.
Then I drove to Kate's but they weren't there. Well, James and Sarah were there, but Kate and Elaine were in Yelm. SO I cried, and Sarah said some really awful things about Ricky, I assume to make me feel better about him breaking my heart, but I do not believe. Although my sister did bring up an interesting point in that I know him now, and Sarah's most recent recollections of him are him as a drug addict....he's different now. He's different with me.
So I was broken, but didn't want to stay at a house with only James and Sarah, no offense to them whatsoever, but they just aren't the same as Kate and Laine. So I drove home.
On the way home, (after I deleted him and his mother's numbers out of my phone.) I was trying and trying to make it make sense. But it just didn't. Less than a week before he was saying how much he loved me and how much he wanted to be with me, and how much he thought about me, and now he doesn't "want" me "at all." So I called him. I know, I know. I promised myself I wouldn't, but, what can you do? I love him.
I called and he answered almost right away, which NEVER happens. He's REALLY bad about answering the phone.
I said, "Hi." And he said "Hi."
I said, "Sup." And he said "Nothing."
I said, "I promised myself that I wouldn't call you, but I'm TRYING to make this make sense and it just doesn't. My brain can only come up with three reasons why you would say such a thing to me. ONE, you genuinely believe that I am smothering you, and am controlling and you don't want me, but cannot think of a way to say 'Becca, if you keep counting the number of cigarettes I have, it will break us up.' (I had to do that with him. He kept making jokes about how I'm crazy and it really bothers me so I told him that if he kept making jokes like that it would break us up, and he stopped making those jokes, for the most part. He stopped enough to make it tolerable.) TWO, you don't really feel the way you said you do and are scared and are running away from me as fast as you can. Or THREE, you genuinely feel this way and you really just DON'T want to be with me and you do not like me anymore." And he said, "It's not the third one."
And I said, "PLEASE do not just say something because you THINK I want to hear it because it will just make it worse. I can't stand this."
And he said that he would come see me tomorrow.
And I said that I didn't know where I was going to be on Tuesday, and he said that he would call me.
He didn't say I love you.
So now I'm even more scared because I don't know if I should have hope or not.
So I got home and went to sleep, but at least I stopped crying at that point.
So I woke up around 11:30 or so, and fucked around for two-ish hours until I couldn't stand it anymore and I drove to the 24-hour Starbucks on 72nd St. I talked to my sister, I talked to my mother, and I talked to Kate. But did a phone call from him did I get? NO.
I left the Starbucks after two-ish hours and went home, still talking to Kate. The SECOND I got off the phone, I turned on some music and the phone started ringing.
It was him.
My heart fluttered.
He said that he just got his car and I told him that I was going to my mom's house and to just meet me there. He didn't say I love you.
An HOUR later I called him to make sure he was okay (smothering, controlling!!) and he said that he was really close and I said okay, and then I said "I love you" and he said it back.
HE SAID IT BACK!
Then he pulled up, got out of his car and he hugged me.
A real hug. With BOTH squeezing and lifting off the ground. He whispered into my ear and kissed my neck.
He got scared.
We're better now.
Actually, I think this is the best it's ever been.
Then he stayed with me last night and then I went to school this morning.
On some Wednesdays we cook in my class, and I offered to be a soux chef, chopping carrots, mincing garlic and whatnot.
So I got up around 8:30 and bought a 16 oz. soy milk hot chocolate and a croissant and walked to class. I hung out with some of the other students, walked into the kitchen, helped carry in things from the car...
Helped and whatnot.
Then about half an hour into the actual preparation of things and I wasn't feeling too hot. I got lightheaded, nauseaus, sweating, unable to breathe, and the room started to go dark, so I sat down, moved outside and sat on a rock and then I felt better.
Then I went back inside and tried to mince some garlic and promptly fainted.
YES. FAINTED.
So I don't know how long I was out, but I guess I wasn't breathing and I guess it was long enough for one of the people in the kitchen to call the campus police and call a medic.
So a while....
Then I woke up and didn't know what the hell was going on or where I was or anything for a little bit, then I was walked to the health center on campus and they fucked around with me for an hour then drew mass amounts of blood to see if I'm anemic and then more blood to check my blood sugar level, but the little diabetic-needle-thing wouldn't prick me enough to get enough blood to make the machine work, so they had to use about four different needles on two fingers.
It was awesome.
Then I came back to my room and snuggled with my boyfriend and then he took me to get some pizza and I felt much better.
THE END.
So I had a super eventful week/day and for YOUR convenience I will cut it.
I'll start with Friday. So Ricky was staying with me, and we were fighting a LOT. I was stressed and irritated and he was taking O-ffence at my tude.
So we fought a lot.
And we were in the car on the way to his mother's house which is TWO hours (when I am driving) from my home (IN OLYMPIA BITCHES.) so that's PLENTY of time to talk. So I thought we worked it out. Basically he hates that I am trying to get him to stop smoking because he is the one who told ME that he wanted to quit, but now he has realized that it's a hard thing to do so he doesn't want to quit anymore. So I was counting how many cigarettes he had and bitching whenever he told me that he wanted one....NOT the best way to handle it, granted....BUT, it's not like I can change it now. Now I just outright tell him that he smells bad and that I don't like to kiss him when he has a cigarette, and he HAS slowed WAY down, so I guess I have to be happy with what he's giving me.
But then we got to his mother's house and everything was totally kosher. We stayed up WAY too late watching movies with his mother, and I fell asleep on the couch with him holding me.
THEN on Saturday, everything was good again. He was happy and I was happy and everyone was happy. Then his brother called and asked Ricky if he wanted to go to a car show with him and RIcky said YES right away. I'm cool with that. I'm happy that he is mending his relationship with his little brother and spending time with him...it's good. So then his brother got home and said that they were going to have to get another ticket for me, and RIcky cried out "NO" and said that I was going home. (I didn't take offense at that because I already said that I was going to go home because my mother was on a trip and I needed to feed the animalia.) So, although I didn't take offense at it, I could tell that he was pulling away. So instead of going straight home, I went to Kate's and hung out with Kate, Laine, James and Sarah. I regaled them with HILARIOUS stories of college life and dorms and Ricky and whatnot. Then I went home and fed Junior and the cats.
Then I couldn't sleep, so around four-thirty or so, I called Ricky because he did NOT call me after going to a building with a FOAM PARTY and strippers.
WTF? You say?
I agree.
So he talked to me for about two seconds and said that he wanted to go back to sleep and that he'd talk to me later and hung up.
Then did NOT answer the phone EVERY time I called him on Sunday.
So I'm wondering what the fuck is going on,
(P.S. LAURA! ARE YOU WATCHING HOUSE RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE I AM!!!!)
and I can't think of anything I had done that would make him mad, because when he's mad at me, he doesn't talk to me because he likes to think it out before he will discuss it.
So I'm actually pretty scared, because I wouldn't put it past him to just end things if he got mad enough...
Then I woke up on Monday and ran some errands at school and I called him around 12:30 or so, and he answered his phone and I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he didn't want to talk about it. I persisted and he said that on Sunday, the reason he didn't answer his phone was because he went to Canada and forgot it. So I asked him if it would be cool for me to go someplace full of half-naked men all oiled up and looking for sex and then leave the COUNTRY and not call him when I got home.
(P.P.S. LAURA! IT'S A FUCKING RERUN. GODDAMMIT.)
And he said that it would NOT be cool.
So once again....WHATTHEFUCK.
Then Kate called, so I said that I had to take this other call and that I'd talk to him later, especially because I don't want to yell at him and have him be mad at me when I am mad at HIM.
Then he wouldn't answer any more of my calls and so I called his mother's house because he left his knee brace and he is supposed to wear it WHENEVER he puts weight on his knee, and he just doesn't because he is a stubborn fuck, and his brother answered the phone and I asked him if Ricky needed the brace and Robby didn't know.
I finished my homework and I was just going stir-crazy so I decided to drive up to his mother's and just give him his knee brace as an excuse to see him and figure out if I could help him be less stressed out.
So after a two hour drive, I got to the house and the most of the lights were off, except for the outside lights, and it was only ten-thirty. (Look at the entry further up and you'll see that his mother usually stays up til FIVE at LEAST. And all of a sudden one of the lights upstairs went off and Ricky walked out of the house.
I'm feeling like SHIT and he walked up and gave me a hug, but it was one of those loose hugs that you give your grandma which is NOT how he hugs me usually. He usually hugs me so hard I can't breathe, OR he picks me up to hug me. He did neither of those things. I said I loved him and he was quiet for a long time and then he said it back, but there was something wrong. I could feel it.
Then he asked if I wanted to go get an Italian soda, and I said no, but I'd take him to get one. So in the car we spoke of REALLY inane and bullshitty things that didn't really affect us at all or what was going on. So we went to the stand and he got a coffee and I pulled into the parking lot next to the stand and turned off the car, turned to him and asked what was going on with him and he said "I don't know" for the MILLIONTH time. And I said that that wasn't an okay answer because I'd given him all day to think and now he needs to tell me what is stressing him out so badly, and he said I don't know. Then I asked if he was mad at me, and after a really long time he said that he felt "smothered" and that I was "too controlling." So I asked him what that meant and he said "I don't know." So I said that he only wanted me when he wanted me, for sex, and to care for him, but not about what he does. And he said "No." And I said, "No? You don't want me for that? What do you want me for then?" And he said "I don't want you at all."
I said, "I can't fight that."
It felt like he fucking punched me in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. At all.
I was bawling so hard I couldn't see straight.
So I drove him to his mother's house and he opened the door, got out, said "goodbye" and didn't turn back around. (I learned later that he did, in fact, turn around at the door.) I got to the end of the street, turned off my car and just cried and cried and cried.
I called my mother and told her and she put some money in the bank so I wouldn't run out of gas in Mt. Vernon. I love her.
Then I drove to Kate's but they weren't there. Well, James and Sarah were there, but Kate and Elaine were in Yelm. SO I cried, and Sarah said some really awful things about Ricky, I assume to make me feel better about him breaking my heart, but I do not believe. Although my sister did bring up an interesting point in that I know him now, and Sarah's most recent recollections of him are him as a drug addict....he's different now. He's different with me.
So I was broken, but didn't want to stay at a house with only James and Sarah, no offense to them whatsoever, but they just aren't the same as Kate and Laine. So I drove home.
On the way home, (after I deleted him and his mother's numbers out of my phone.) I was trying and trying to make it make sense. But it just didn't. Less than a week before he was saying how much he loved me and how much he wanted to be with me, and how much he thought about me, and now he doesn't "want" me "at all." So I called him. I know, I know. I promised myself I wouldn't, but, what can you do? I love him.
I called and he answered almost right away, which NEVER happens. He's REALLY bad about answering the phone.
I said, "Hi." And he said "Hi."
I said, "Sup." And he said "Nothing."
I said, "I promised myself that I wouldn't call you, but I'm TRYING to make this make sense and it just doesn't. My brain can only come up with three reasons why you would say such a thing to me. ONE, you genuinely believe that I am smothering you, and am controlling and you don't want me, but cannot think of a way to say 'Becca, if you keep counting the number of cigarettes I have, it will break us up.' (I had to do that with him. He kept making jokes about how I'm crazy and it really bothers me so I told him that if he kept making jokes like that it would break us up, and he stopped making those jokes, for the most part. He stopped enough to make it tolerable.) TWO, you don't really feel the way you said you do and are scared and are running away from me as fast as you can. Or THREE, you genuinely feel this way and you really just DON'T want to be with me and you do not like me anymore." And he said, "It's not the third one."
And I said, "PLEASE do not just say something because you THINK I want to hear it because it will just make it worse. I can't stand this."
And he said that he would come see me tomorrow.
And I said that I didn't know where I was going to be on Tuesday, and he said that he would call me.
He didn't say I love you.
So now I'm even more scared because I don't know if I should have hope or not.
So I got home and went to sleep, but at least I stopped crying at that point.
So I woke up around 11:30 or so, and fucked around for two-ish hours until I couldn't stand it anymore and I drove to the 24-hour Starbucks on 72nd St. I talked to my sister, I talked to my mother, and I talked to Kate. But did a phone call from him did I get? NO.
I left the Starbucks after two-ish hours and went home, still talking to Kate. The SECOND I got off the phone, I turned on some music and the phone started ringing.
It was him.
My heart fluttered.
He said that he just got his car and I told him that I was going to my mom's house and to just meet me there. He didn't say I love you.
An HOUR later I called him to make sure he was okay (smothering, controlling!!) and he said that he was really close and I said okay, and then I said "I love you" and he said it back.
HE SAID IT BACK!
Then he pulled up, got out of his car and he hugged me.
A real hug. With BOTH squeezing and lifting off the ground. He whispered into my ear and kissed my neck.
He got scared.
We're better now.
Actually, I think this is the best it's ever been.
Then he stayed with me last night and then I went to school this morning.
On some Wednesdays we cook in my class, and I offered to be a soux chef, chopping carrots, mincing garlic and whatnot.
So I got up around 8:30 and bought a 16 oz. soy milk hot chocolate and a croissant and walked to class. I hung out with some of the other students, walked into the kitchen, helped carry in things from the car...
Helped and whatnot.
Then about half an hour into the actual preparation of things and I wasn't feeling too hot. I got lightheaded, nauseaus, sweating, unable to breathe, and the room started to go dark, so I sat down, moved outside and sat on a rock and then I felt better.
Then I went back inside and tried to mince some garlic and promptly fainted.
YES. FAINTED.
So I don't know how long I was out, but I guess I wasn't breathing and I guess it was long enough for one of the people in the kitchen to call the campus police and call a medic.
So a while....
Then I woke up and didn't know what the hell was going on or where I was or anything for a little bit, then I was walked to the health center on campus and they fucked around with me for an hour then drew mass amounts of blood to see if I'm anemic and then more blood to check my blood sugar level, but the little diabetic-needle-thing wouldn't prick me enough to get enough blood to make the machine work, so they had to use about four different needles on two fingers.
It was awesome.
Then I came back to my room and snuggled with my boyfriend and then he took me to get some pizza and I felt much better.
THE END.