trying not to think about it...

[2b_perfect]

first off,
My name's Nerissa.
I'm 16.
I'm new here.
And I'm a victim of abuse.

 I'm trying not to remember what he did to me.
Or when he touched me.
Or when another he might have raped me.
I don't even know if I'm a virgin or not.
I have no memory of the rape.
Just flashes.
and the painfully dirty feeling crawling under my skin.
The feeling of dirt that never comes clean.
Dammit, I shouldn't have taken those drugs that night.
Maybe I would have been able to fight him off.
I should have screamed, Dammit, I should have screamed.
I should have fucking ran,
Or cried for help,
Or screamed,
Or something.
But, no, I just sat there.
Confused.
Wondering what the fuck he was doing  to me.
I don't think I was raped...
Was I?
I don't even remember.
Everything's a burr.
Its all mixed up and upside-down.
My head hurts from thinking about this.
Will I ever live a normal life?

Those are my thoughts as of now...
My head is still swimming.
Was it my fault to begin with?