(no subject)
I sat on the edge of the couch and watched the news as the tow truck pulled the mangled car from the ditch...I knew that car...The rims, the color...My heart sank and my eye began to well up with tears. "Stephen Haas, a 22 year old man was killed when a mailbox post came through the passenger side of the car...Zachary Smith, also 22 of Olympia was released with minor injuries and short after taken into custody under suspision of vehicular homicide." Suddenly, I couldn't breathe and I gasped for air...From the other room my mom yelled "Carolyn, are you okay?" I couldn't move..."Stephen's dead" I whispered...I went to the computer and searched for article after article, I couldn't be convinced that what they were saying was true...I checked his myspace...Comment after comment saying they couldn't believe he's gone...I curled up on the couch and put my head in my hands. I lay there curled up in a ball for hours upon hours. I changed the channel and watched and re-watched every newscast I could find. My mom repeating herself "Carolyn, don't watch it again". From drugs to boarding school, to going to church, having a son and getting into college...This was the childhood friend who sat next to me when I got my tattoo, who I saw just two days ago as he came in my work to tell me about the boys jumping off the bridge into the lake... Sometime early morning my mom came out to find me still curled up, and still crying. I can't seem to kick these repeating visions...The blood that painted the windshield of the car as they pulled it out of the ditch, the thought of a post coming through the windshield...that perfect smile he had been so famous for...And of all things, he had been killed because of the ignorance of someone I have ALWAYS despised.
I'm sick to my stomach. I cannot dry these tears or lessen the redness of my eyes...Why i'm at work I have no idea. I am trying to keep busy but it's hard when there's no customers...It's hard when I keep re-reading the article, re-reading all his journals and looking at his myspace...
I MISS HIM.