verbal spew.
lock myself in my room, just shut myself out of this world.... shut out, and shut down. power down. if only it was that easy.
these days when i dont feel real, going through the motions like some sort of derranged machine, oblivious as to why anything is done anymore
just going through the motions
i dont feel real anymore. feelings, feelingless. numb to everything. people talk about love, what is love? this undefinable, unattainable entity that drives everyone wild. obviously im on the outside, i forget what love feels like, even from family and friends.... surrounded in my own bubble, nothing can get through anymore
ive been contemplating what love is. and i cant find an answer. those other times i felt love... was it love? i almost told him i loved him... but stopping, wondering... thats not love, it cant be love, can it? heat of the moment, maybe.
it doesnt help that i feel utterly unattractive these days. stupid jaw. im going to the dentists on tuesday and im going to ensure i qualify for that surgery. i used to be afriad of the excruciating pain the surgery will bring, but now i find myself looking forward to the pain, like in the old days.... finally, something to make me feel real.
cut myself off from the world, lock myself away, shut myself down.... if only it was that easy. yet here i am, must continue living, striving for some goal im supposed to have.... where am i going anyways? other people seem to have such purpose and enjoyment in their lives, striving towards their goals, jobs, whatever. i wonder if they realize all this leads to, ultimately, is death.
i still feel like a child inside. utterly dependant on others, always. pack me up, ship me off, because i am defective. maybe they can find a part that can fix me, fix all this for me.
but its never that easy.
why do i put myself through this. i care for him, yet i cant see that he cares for me at all... and yet here i still am. ill drive down to see him because i want to see him, not because he wants to see me or misses me. but its unfair of me to say that, its so hard to read him.... he'd never readily admit that he misses me or wants to see me, i dont know why. i wish he could just be everything i need, i know he has it in him, but theres something holding him back. maybe its me. maybe im not right for him, and maybe he knows this on some level, and thats why we are where we are. it probably is me. sometimes i wonder just how crazy i am - i try to keep the crazy in check, somedays its harder than others.
ive been thinking of going on a trip this summer. just packing up, taking money and going somewhere. alone. maybe europe. i dont really care nor fear for my well being. a trip of self-discovery, maybe then i can figure out who i am, where im going, where my passions lie. and then maybe i can answer these questions, like what real love is, what it actually feels like.
i find myself caring less and less and less about my life. Lord, im in your hands, do what you will with me... im nothing but a pawn, disposable as ever.
these days when i dont feel real, going through the motions like some sort of derranged machine, oblivious as to why anything is done anymore
just going through the motions
i dont feel real anymore. feelings, feelingless. numb to everything. people talk about love, what is love? this undefinable, unattainable entity that drives everyone wild. obviously im on the outside, i forget what love feels like, even from family and friends.... surrounded in my own bubble, nothing can get through anymore
ive been contemplating what love is. and i cant find an answer. those other times i felt love... was it love? i almost told him i loved him... but stopping, wondering... thats not love, it cant be love, can it? heat of the moment, maybe.
it doesnt help that i feel utterly unattractive these days. stupid jaw. im going to the dentists on tuesday and im going to ensure i qualify for that surgery. i used to be afriad of the excruciating pain the surgery will bring, but now i find myself looking forward to the pain, like in the old days.... finally, something to make me feel real.
cut myself off from the world, lock myself away, shut myself down.... if only it was that easy. yet here i am, must continue living, striving for some goal im supposed to have.... where am i going anyways? other people seem to have such purpose and enjoyment in their lives, striving towards their goals, jobs, whatever. i wonder if they realize all this leads to, ultimately, is death.
i still feel like a child inside. utterly dependant on others, always. pack me up, ship me off, because i am defective. maybe they can find a part that can fix me, fix all this for me.
but its never that easy.
why do i put myself through this. i care for him, yet i cant see that he cares for me at all... and yet here i still am. ill drive down to see him because i want to see him, not because he wants to see me or misses me. but its unfair of me to say that, its so hard to read him.... he'd never readily admit that he misses me or wants to see me, i dont know why. i wish he could just be everything i need, i know he has it in him, but theres something holding him back. maybe its me. maybe im not right for him, and maybe he knows this on some level, and thats why we are where we are. it probably is me. sometimes i wonder just how crazy i am - i try to keep the crazy in check, somedays its harder than others.
ive been thinking of going on a trip this summer. just packing up, taking money and going somewhere. alone. maybe europe. i dont really care nor fear for my well being. a trip of self-discovery, maybe then i can figure out who i am, where im going, where my passions lie. and then maybe i can answer these questions, like what real love is, what it actually feels like.
i find myself caring less and less and less about my life. Lord, im in your hands, do what you will with me... im nothing but a pawn, disposable as ever.