the world is breaking my heart
ive been doing a lot of thinking solely in my head these days. no longer putting my thoughts down on paper... or in this case, pixels and 1's and 0's. its come to the point where i need to put something down on paper, just for my sake. so here goes.
i think, through a series of events in my life, im beginning to become more introverted. maybe i shouldve stayed friends with some people when i severed ties, and maybe i shouldve severed other ties earlier. but i find myself taking a back seat more and more in life, just because nothing interests me anymore, or simply because i dont want to put in the effort that will ultimately end in futility and waste.
i look around me, and i see my life in shambles. where was that motivation i once had? that 'randomness' i was once so proud of... how did that get stolen away from me? where's the lustre in my life gone? its all rather depressing. i dont want to contest with these bad feelings anymore, this lonliness that ive suffered through so many times before... but i find i dont have much of a choice but to soildier on. life's bitter. nothing works the way you want it to.
last night was especially bitter, in a new sort of way. i went clubbing - a pastime i usually enjoy and did enjoy, because i got to jump lines and do the vip thing.... but i found myself watching the couples and feeling jealous. admiring the feelings they obviously have for eachother and i wonder, why the hell can i just have something work out? all these emotionally unavailable guys are damaging me, making me emotionally unavailable to the world. which in turn, makes me unapproachable, cuts me off from the world and any other prospective guys. what a cruel cycle.
i dont know what to do anymore. thank God for friends, where id be without them... well, it wouldnt be pretty.
on the good side of things, i saw frankie friday briefly... we're gonna be snowboarding buddies again. man that mofo is good looking, even now. im glad we're still friends.
make the world stop breaking my heart.
i think, through a series of events in my life, im beginning to become more introverted. maybe i shouldve stayed friends with some people when i severed ties, and maybe i shouldve severed other ties earlier. but i find myself taking a back seat more and more in life, just because nothing interests me anymore, or simply because i dont want to put in the effort that will ultimately end in futility and waste.
i look around me, and i see my life in shambles. where was that motivation i once had? that 'randomness' i was once so proud of... how did that get stolen away from me? where's the lustre in my life gone? its all rather depressing. i dont want to contest with these bad feelings anymore, this lonliness that ive suffered through so many times before... but i find i dont have much of a choice but to soildier on. life's bitter. nothing works the way you want it to.
last night was especially bitter, in a new sort of way. i went clubbing - a pastime i usually enjoy and did enjoy, because i got to jump lines and do the vip thing.... but i found myself watching the couples and feeling jealous. admiring the feelings they obviously have for eachother and i wonder, why the hell can i just have something work out? all these emotionally unavailable guys are damaging me, making me emotionally unavailable to the world. which in turn, makes me unapproachable, cuts me off from the world and any other prospective guys. what a cruel cycle.
i dont know what to do anymore. thank God for friends, where id be without them... well, it wouldnt be pretty.
on the good side of things, i saw frankie friday briefly... we're gonna be snowboarding buddies again. man that mofo is good looking, even now. im glad we're still friends.
make the world stop breaking my heart.