They'll never learn.
I used to go through this kind of stuff and have a mental breakdown. Nothing left to live for. Sometimes I still catch myself in those moments...but I try to shove them out of my mind. No matter how I'd look at it I'd never be able to see that there just might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes all I wanted was to give in. I thought I had it too hard and there was no way of getting around it. I now see I was weak. I still am. But after being threatened to have everything taken from me, I decided it's about time I make some changes. I need to change my paranoia. I need to change my attitude. I need to change my life. I need to change me. I hate being told to change. Because that'd mean I'm changing for someone else and I'm a firm believer that you should never change for anyone, only yourself. Of course, I have caught myself trying to change for a guy or something but now when I look back on it, what was the point? I think every little bit you change for someone is just a little bit you lose a part of yourself. I definitely can't afford to lose part of myself right now because they're the pieces of the puzzle that help me determine who I am. I think if someone truely loves you, they'll accept you for who you are, flaws and all. This is where everything's gray in my mind right now. Why do they want me to change? They say they love me and I guess I believe them but then why do I need to change? I guess there are some things about myself I really want to change, thoguh. I've been trying so hard to change a lot of my old character traits and things I'd do but I think I bit off more than I could chew because right now my mind's jumbled and I don't really know how to go about doing anything. The more I try to explain exactly how hard I'm trying to change, the deeper I get in threats and accusations. They claim they know exactly what I'm thinking about everything. "You think you're just too god damn good for this family don't you?!" I hate when people put words in my mouth. It's one of the most frustrating things anyone can do. No, I don't think I'm too good for this family. I really wanted to scream back "This family thinks they're too good for me!" but I knew if I were to say that I'd be just like them. Putting words in people's mouths. If you can't beat 'em join 'em. Finally, I can honestly say I beat them in something. Even though of course, they're never wrong and some little slut that's failing four classes can never do anything better than them. Well, looks like they've overestimated themselves once again. Story of my life. Obviously I must've been extrmemely underestimated if I can decide what I need to change in my life. And actually be strong enough to do it alone. I'm not going to give in. I'm going to show them. I'm going to make my life so much better than they could even begin to imagine. And I'll be goddamned if they think they have anything to do with my changes.
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself
Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there
And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive