hopeless babblings
well.
I've been trying to get past everything in my life that I haven't liked.
If that makes any sense whatsoever.
Everything seems to come back and slap me in the face when I'm least expecting it.
I seem to have been able to block out most things in the past that I guess trigger me too much.
But some things are as real as if they happened yesterday.
I can't get over the fact that other memories are so hazy though. I mean, I'm sure my brain is blocking them out because of how much pain they cause me.
Sometimes I wish I could remember every detail down to the very last scent I smelled.
Maybe then I could just move on and stop the hurt.
But the hurt's too deep.
It's been there for too long.
Festering and growing into a huge ball of hate and despair and and misplacement.
Feelings I wish I could just shake away.
Scrub off in my next shower.
The funny thing is- well it's truly not funny, but that's just me being sarcastic I guess- it's been how many years? Surely I remember. Of course I do. ten.
Maybe I do remember everything as if it was yesterday.
Because I feel as if there's a movie playing in my head.
It won't stop.
It won't leave me alone.
So I close my eyes and ask it to stop. Beg it to stop. Please stop.
Does this make any sense to you at all?
I want to see it but when it appears I never want to be able to remember anything again.
I just want my mind to be wiped clear like a chalk board after multiple vexing problems have been scribbled on it's black, slate cover.
It will always be etched ever so carefully inside the deepest part of me, I fear.
So that no one but I can peer into it's swirling and morbid depths.
Surely it will swallow me as I dread I am already quite stuck in it's deathly current.
I've been trying to get past everything in my life that I haven't liked.
If that makes any sense whatsoever.
Everything seems to come back and slap me in the face when I'm least expecting it.
I seem to have been able to block out most things in the past that I guess trigger me too much.
But some things are as real as if they happened yesterday.
I can't get over the fact that other memories are so hazy though. I mean, I'm sure my brain is blocking them out because of how much pain they cause me.
Sometimes I wish I could remember every detail down to the very last scent I smelled.
Maybe then I could just move on and stop the hurt.
But the hurt's too deep.
It's been there for too long.
Festering and growing into a huge ball of hate and despair and and misplacement.
Feelings I wish I could just shake away.
Scrub off in my next shower.
The funny thing is- well it's truly not funny, but that's just me being sarcastic I guess- it's been how many years? Surely I remember. Of course I do. ten.
Maybe I do remember everything as if it was yesterday.
Because I feel as if there's a movie playing in my head.
It won't stop.
It won't leave me alone.
So I close my eyes and ask it to stop. Beg it to stop. Please stop.
Does this make any sense to you at all?
I want to see it but when it appears I never want to be able to remember anything again.
I just want my mind to be wiped clear like a chalk board after multiple vexing problems have been scribbled on it's black, slate cover.
It will always be etched ever so carefully inside the deepest part of me, I fear.
So that no one but I can peer into it's swirling and morbid depths.
Surely it will swallow me as I dread I am already quite stuck in it's deathly current.