(no subject)
i've always thought that in everyone's life, there are three significant people in terms of romantic relationships: the first person you ever love, the person you love the most, and the person you're mature enough to be with for the rest of your life.
i was thinking about this last night, and i realized that i've met two of the three in the past year and a half or so. i also realized that i'm pretty lucky. why? because even though i'm incredibly young, i haven't had any of those fake relationships that kids tend to have... it's all been real. plus i haven't had any seriously horrible experiences. the first time, back when i was fifteen, i was lucky enough to fall for a guy who listened to me and tried his best to care for the time that we were together, and when it fell apart, he was still there, willing to listen and joke around and everything, even though things were and still are incredibly awkward. plus i learned a lot from him, and i still do. i'm lucky enough to have an ex who doesn't curse my existence, who puts up with my shit, who doesn't burn effigys of me (even though i was a pretty bad girlfriend), who is actually a genuinely caring person, and who is growing a pretty sweet mustache. so thanks for that, mr. peanut. i mean, um, aaron.
which brings me to the next, sadder part. i guess i'm still lucky in terms of the second person, the person i love the most, but it hurts more. i was lucky enough to find a guy who was exactly like me, and who was handsome, smart, funny, understanding... everything i could ever want. and this is the part that hurts the most: i guess i'm lucky it's ending this way. i mean, we could have a huge fight and end up hating each other but still loving each other, and it could all be a huge mess. but that's not what's happening. i'm lucky enough to have a guy who knows when to end it before it gets any worse, who admits that he loves me. i guess i'm lucky. i just wish it would stop hurting so much and that i could stop crying and realize that this is all for the best... but i wish i could see him one last time. but what would that solve? i don't know. all i know is that i've never known that anybody could love a person as much as i love alex. and i know that neither of us is mature enough to have a long distance relationship. i wish that we had more time together. and i wish that we could meet again someday in the future.
i feel defeated. i want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up. but i've gotta hold my head up high. i've gotta be strong, even if it's just for him. because i know he'd rather see me living life and not letting this kill me.
and it is killing me. but i'm going to move on for him. i'm going to make the most of everything for him. i'm going to do well in everything i do because of him.
i'll never stop loving either of these guys. the first one i love as a good friend, even though we don't talk much. and the second one... the only person i've been able to admit to being truly in love with... i'll always be in love with.
so i guess what's left is to wait until i find person #3, which i hope isn't for awhile, because i don't think i can really deal with this situation right now. i'm going to give it all i've got, though.
God help me.
i was thinking about this last night, and i realized that i've met two of the three in the past year and a half or so. i also realized that i'm pretty lucky. why? because even though i'm incredibly young, i haven't had any of those fake relationships that kids tend to have... it's all been real. plus i haven't had any seriously horrible experiences. the first time, back when i was fifteen, i was lucky enough to fall for a guy who listened to me and tried his best to care for the time that we were together, and when it fell apart, he was still there, willing to listen and joke around and everything, even though things were and still are incredibly awkward. plus i learned a lot from him, and i still do. i'm lucky enough to have an ex who doesn't curse my existence, who puts up with my shit, who doesn't burn effigys of me (even though i was a pretty bad girlfriend), who is actually a genuinely caring person, and who is growing a pretty sweet mustache. so thanks for that, mr. peanut. i mean, um, aaron.
which brings me to the next, sadder part. i guess i'm still lucky in terms of the second person, the person i love the most, but it hurts more. i was lucky enough to find a guy who was exactly like me, and who was handsome, smart, funny, understanding... everything i could ever want. and this is the part that hurts the most: i guess i'm lucky it's ending this way. i mean, we could have a huge fight and end up hating each other but still loving each other, and it could all be a huge mess. but that's not what's happening. i'm lucky enough to have a guy who knows when to end it before it gets any worse, who admits that he loves me. i guess i'm lucky. i just wish it would stop hurting so much and that i could stop crying and realize that this is all for the best... but i wish i could see him one last time. but what would that solve? i don't know. all i know is that i've never known that anybody could love a person as much as i love alex. and i know that neither of us is mature enough to have a long distance relationship. i wish that we had more time together. and i wish that we could meet again someday in the future.
i feel defeated. i want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up. but i've gotta hold my head up high. i've gotta be strong, even if it's just for him. because i know he'd rather see me living life and not letting this kill me.
and it is killing me. but i'm going to move on for him. i'm going to make the most of everything for him. i'm going to do well in everything i do because of him.
i'll never stop loving either of these guys. the first one i love as a good friend, even though we don't talk much. and the second one... the only person i've been able to admit to being truly in love with... i'll always be in love with.
so i guess what's left is to wait until i find person #3, which i hope isn't for awhile, because i don't think i can really deal with this situation right now. i'm going to give it all i've got, though.
God help me.