(no subject)
Today marks fourteen years of one absence that I'll never get used to.
I hate not knowing who she was. I hate knowing that she could never know who I am. I hate having no recent pictures. I hate knowing that I will have to live with this every day, for the rest of my life. I hate knowing that I will never know what a real mother and daughter relationship is. I hate knowing that I will never know a mothers love, until I have children. I hate how I can't expect anyone to understand. I hate not knowing the full story. I hate knowing that I never really knew her. I hate crying about it, only to realize that she could never wipe away my tears. I hate how this is the tragedy of my life. I hate thinking that I disappointed her, somehow, someway. I hate how early I had to learn that life isn't fair, more than that, I hate the way I had to learn that. I hate sympathy, so don't even bother. I hate that this has defined who I am as a person. I hate thinking that she would hate the person I've become, the same way I know my father does. I hate thinking about how gorgeous she was, and how gorgeous I'm not. I hate thinking, and knowing period.
Why something so beautiful and pure had to leave this earth after only thirty five years of life is something I might never understand.
I miss her more than anyone could ever understand.
I don't care how much shit your parents put you through, or how much bullshit they cause for you, go hug them, tell them you love them. Thank them for giving you life, for raising you, for teaching you the essentials to existence. You don't know how horrible it feels to know that I never got to tell my Mother those things, and mean it with all of my heart. You don't know how much it kills me inside every single day of my life to not know when the last time I hugged her was. Someday, you can thank me for forcing you to push your teenage angst to the side and just do this. For once, appreciate something worth it.
Stop, smell the roses.
Stop, let your parents know you love them. If not for them, or for your own benefit; do it, because I can't.
She was my one and only mother. ...Why couldn't I just say goodbye?