(no subject)
The past week of school was the most stressful, intense, and petty seven days of my life.
And for the past week death has been everywhere I go.
I never really feared death until recently. And I realized. It's because for once I have something someone to live for.
I want to yell that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him from the highest rooftop. And I realize that is obsessive and psychotic and naive and irrational.. but at this point I don't care. I've been with him almost two years, and I still anticipate seeing him at every moment throughout the day. He is the most amazing man I have ever known, and he makes me happier than I ever knew I could be.
I've realized that our fights and breakups were in part a result of my insecurities in our relationship, and part result of a very manipulative and selfish friend.
I am left surrounded with phonemeonal people in my life, because I've pushed the others out.
I have never been happier.
I know I have a handful of friends who mean the world to me, and are up for anything. They aren't embarrased easily. They don't think everyone passing on the street is enamored with them. They are all beautiful, and none of them will know what they mean to me.
Tom, however, exceeds them all. He has seen me at my worst and still loves me unconditionally. He accepts that I am loud and overbearing.. and that I am trying to fix things in my life, but continue to do them wrong. He stands by me whether I'm right or wrong, but doesn't miss the oppurtunity to tell me I'm being an idiot. He is forgiving and the very thought of him incites this huge clenching of my jaw.. to form the biggest smile imagbinable.
He means the absolute world to me, and I will never be able to express how grateful I am that I am blessed to have him in my life. Despite what everyone else may think.
His eyes are the deepest I have ever seen, his lips the most perfect, his hands the most supportive.
He is intelligent and hilarious and I love him... and I don't give him nearly enough credit.
One day she will look back and realize that everything she is bitter about was the consequence of her own decisions.. and no one elses.
That in reality I wasn't the one making her feel stupid, that she was the one who wanted to think everyone was against her. That simultaneously everyone loved her and either wanted to have sex with her or wanted to be with her.
But I know
I don't want either.
I don't want to end a life that wasn't mine to end to begin with. I don't want to obtain a disease that is going to follow me through life, as I selfishly keep it from my partners. I don't want to be sixteen and going to see a shrink two to three times a week because I have to create problems in my otherwise easy life. I don't want friends who lie and talk behind my back, who use me, who want to be the center of everyone's world. I want nothing to do with her, and I am rediculously happy she blames us not being friends on me... because it was me.
And it wasn't because I'm "afraid of letting anyone too close to me."
Stop reading cliche teen novels and trying to psyco analyze a perfectly sane human being.
I have let three people closer to me than you ever were.
And the entire time, I just want her to know this, HE was my best friend. And I want her to look back and see what an idiot she was, and how she treated people. And I will be satisfied.
As bitchy as that sounded. I am so happy I can hardly keep myself from squealing at every passing moment.
And for the past week death has been everywhere I go.
I never really feared death until recently. And I realized. It's because for once I have something someone to live for.
I want to yell that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him from the highest rooftop. And I realize that is obsessive and psychotic and naive and irrational.. but at this point I don't care. I've been with him almost two years, and I still anticipate seeing him at every moment throughout the day. He is the most amazing man I have ever known, and he makes me happier than I ever knew I could be.
I've realized that our fights and breakups were in part a result of my insecurities in our relationship, and part result of a very manipulative and selfish friend.
I am left surrounded with phonemeonal people in my life, because I've pushed the others out.
I have never been happier.
I know I have a handful of friends who mean the world to me, and are up for anything. They aren't embarrased easily. They don't think everyone passing on the street is enamored with them. They are all beautiful, and none of them will know what they mean to me.
Tom, however, exceeds them all. He has seen me at my worst and still loves me unconditionally. He accepts that I am loud and overbearing.. and that I am trying to fix things in my life, but continue to do them wrong. He stands by me whether I'm right or wrong, but doesn't miss the oppurtunity to tell me I'm being an idiot. He is forgiving and the very thought of him incites this huge clenching of my jaw.. to form the biggest smile imagbinable.
He means the absolute world to me, and I will never be able to express how grateful I am that I am blessed to have him in my life. Despite what everyone else may think.
His eyes are the deepest I have ever seen, his lips the most perfect, his hands the most supportive.
He is intelligent and hilarious and I love him... and I don't give him nearly enough credit.
One day she will look back and realize that everything she is bitter about was the consequence of her own decisions.. and no one elses.
That in reality I wasn't the one making her feel stupid, that she was the one who wanted to think everyone was against her. That simultaneously everyone loved her and either wanted to have sex with her or wanted to be with her.
But I know
I don't want either.
I don't want to end a life that wasn't mine to end to begin with. I don't want to obtain a disease that is going to follow me through life, as I selfishly keep it from my partners. I don't want to be sixteen and going to see a shrink two to three times a week because I have to create problems in my otherwise easy life. I don't want friends who lie and talk behind my back, who use me, who want to be the center of everyone's world. I want nothing to do with her, and I am rediculously happy she blames us not being friends on me... because it was me.
And it wasn't because I'm "afraid of letting anyone too close to me."
Stop reading cliche teen novels and trying to psyco analyze a perfectly sane human being.
I have let three people closer to me than you ever were.
And the entire time, I just want her to know this, HE was my best friend. And I want her to look back and see what an idiot she was, and how she treated people. And I will be satisfied.
As bitchy as that sounded. I am so happy I can hardly keep myself from squealing at every passing moment.