(no subject)
There's a disgusting sinking feeling in my bones again.
So.
Listen to this bullshit my life has become.
Today I went to the tea shop with Catie. Because I was so upset I couldn't be left alone until I went to work because I'd probably purposely run my car into oncoming traffic (That's how I feel lately. Again.). So yeah. Then we get ice cream. I get three steps from the door outside and it fucking topples over. So I calmy pick it up, and start yelling "THIS IS WHAT MY FUCKING LIFE IS LIKE, CATIE. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE THIS? EVERYTHING. IT'S.." blah blah blah. In the middle of downtown. In front of the courthouse and jogging policemen and upperclass buisness people. And then I started laughing. So then I drove to work and cried on the way there.
I showed up at his house on Sunday night and sat silent on his pool table. I went there to break up with him.
I said nothing and left.
I was too afraid to hurt him. So apparently hurting myself is better.
I cried and called Megan and she listened to my pathetic ass bitch and moan about how he really doesn't deserve me.
Which he doesn't.
But I don't deserve shit. So it's okay. He can treat me how he wants. I'm apparently not worth shit to anyone lately.
Over two years I've known him. I have never cried around him. Ever. And this kid is honestly my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. I don't cry. Period. End of story. I broke down in his car last Friday and started crying. And then I broke down and cried in his arms again when we got back to my house.
I called him Tuesday night on the way home from work, grew some balls, and told him what I thought. Cried some more.
Things got better. For an entire day. Wow.
Thursday I fucked up royally.
This is bullshit.
Everyone deserves better than this.
MEMO--
RE: No Subject
Sex doesn't mean everything's better. Sex means you're too fucking tired of the shit that actually happens to care.
Okay thanks.
I feel completely empty. I remember being happy. And I remember feeling complete. I don't want to need anything more. I don't want to need anything I can't or don't have.
But I do.
And I don't know what it is.
PS I cut my nipple in the shower. That is definitely a first in the world. This is just bad karma. What the hell did I do?
So.
Listen to this bullshit my life has become.
Today I went to the tea shop with Catie. Because I was so upset I couldn't be left alone until I went to work because I'd probably purposely run my car into oncoming traffic (That's how I feel lately. Again.). So yeah. Then we get ice cream. I get three steps from the door outside and it fucking topples over. So I calmy pick it up, and start yelling "THIS IS WHAT MY FUCKING LIFE IS LIKE, CATIE. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE THIS? EVERYTHING. IT'S.." blah blah blah. In the middle of downtown. In front of the courthouse and jogging policemen and upperclass buisness people. And then I started laughing. So then I drove to work and cried on the way there.
I showed up at his house on Sunday night and sat silent on his pool table. I went there to break up with him.
I said nothing and left.
I was too afraid to hurt him. So apparently hurting myself is better.
I cried and called Megan and she listened to my pathetic ass bitch and moan about how he really doesn't deserve me.
Which he doesn't.
But I don't deserve shit. So it's okay. He can treat me how he wants. I'm apparently not worth shit to anyone lately.
Over two years I've known him. I have never cried around him. Ever. And this kid is honestly my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. I don't cry. Period. End of story. I broke down in his car last Friday and started crying. And then I broke down and cried in his arms again when we got back to my house.
I called him Tuesday night on the way home from work, grew some balls, and told him what I thought. Cried some more.
Things got better. For an entire day. Wow.
Thursday I fucked up royally.
This is bullshit.
Everyone deserves better than this.
MEMO--
RE: No Subject
Sex doesn't mean everything's better. Sex means you're too fucking tired of the shit that actually happens to care.
Okay thanks.
I feel completely empty. I remember being happy. And I remember feeling complete. I don't want to need anything more. I don't want to need anything I can't or don't have.
But I do.
And I don't know what it is.
PS I cut my nipple in the shower. That is definitely a first in the world. This is just bad karma. What the hell did I do?