allornothin'

May 03, 2006 21:08




it didnt really hit me until i was walking down that old street, once so familiar, just around the corner from the house, just to get to the grocery store. you know...it had been a while...but i really didnt think it had been all that long. maybe i was just over-analyzing again, maybe it was just my head playing tricks on me, maybe i was just plain thinking too fucking much. i tend to do that a lot anyhow. but, as i rounded that corner and i smelled the air, thick with the smell or rain and the desert, my heart kind of sank. not a really painful sinking, but the kind where it sinks, and you kind of smile and you realize that things arent what they used to be and they never really will be again.
you know the feeling im talking about? the kind where you walk into the first day of high school and immediately miss how much fun eighth grade was and realize how different everything is going to be, even by the end of the day? the same feeling you had the first time you visited home from college and your parents had rearranged your room, not in a bad way, but enough to make you realize it wasnt every really going to be your room again. its the same feeling you had the first time you lost a loved one, knowing full well its part of life and it wont be the last time, knowing full well that they arent suffering anymore, but still thinking how different its going to be every time you drive through that part of town where they used to live again.
like i said...not so much a depressed, pity me, sorry for yourself feeling...but just the kind that makes you realize that things have really changed.
people grow up, friends move on, past loves look differently and talk differently, the ones you knew so long ago, you barely know now.
and most of all, you are not the same anymore. you think and talk and act and dress and breathe and smile and laugh and tease and flirt and cry and sleep and cough and dance and drive and play differently. as shakespeare once so simply put it...theres the rub.
i was still seeing all the same people, laughing with all the golden, wonderful friends about times past and times present...going the same places and doing the same things...but the puzzle pieces just werent fitting the way they used to. something wasnt quite clicking...not quite meshing.
i even tried to watch the sunrise one morning...tried with tired, burned out, bloodshot eyes, to watch it come up over the city, watch the sky dance with colors, purples and oranges and pinks and blues...hoping for some hint of something i remembered. that same night, hours later, i watched it set. if you have never seen a sunset in the southwest, id say its probably something you should put on your must do list. it would be hard to it justice with just words...pictures seem much more appealing for something like that...but maybe, just maybe i can make you see it. right around seven pm or so, the sun starts to set, it blinds you if you are facing, especially if you are driving and since most of the roads in our city run that direction, east and west that is, you cant help but wonder if its the last sunset you will ever see. just about then, it hits the tops of the mountains, and everything changes. the hills turn purple, yeah, purple mountains majesties wasnt just clever lyrics. the clouds turn orange and pink, but bright orange and pink, like the kind you find on ice cream boxes or see painted by elementary school students in art class. the best kind of art there is. the sky turns a crystal blue, and then the colors just get deeper...oranges, pinks, reds, purples, magentas...like i said, i just cant do it justice. maybe someone who was actually decent at writing...thoreau, emerson, hemingway, sallinger, elliot...ponyboy and johnny would have appreciated the southwest sunsets...i think dally may have too. its just that he would never admit it.
so like i said...i watched that sunset, and i thought about soda pop and darry and cherry valance and even that mustang...goddamn that car was tough...and i tried to remember those times, and what it was like and how i could ever get it back. and then i realized that i was still living them...but things had just moved on. i was part of it, i was breathing it and living it and eating it and taking it all in and throwing it all right back out. and i didnt give a fuck about any of it.
maybe thats how its all supposed to be...i know its not a dream, its too painful for all of that. im pretty sure i would have woken up when i didnt get to tell my grandma one last time how much she meant to me and how much i learned from her and how much i loved her. yeah...im sure she knows, but none the less, id have woken up about then, thrown up for an hour or so and went on my merry little way feeling better about life and why i was thinking the things i was thinking. yeah if i were dreaming, theres way too much i would have been startled in my sleep by and brought back to sweet reality. or something like that.
but you know...its not a dream. its not fake, its life and for some reason as i walked to the store that night everything felt fucking upside down and inside out. sweet reality. hah. i just went back and re-read that and almost fell out of my chair. sweet reality where children dont have homes and cant get decent educations, sweet reality where our country's "leaders" are more concerned with bloody oil (pun intended) and the almighty dollar than with clothing and feeding our nations homeless. sweet reality where we ostracize those who arent white and dont speak english and dont deserve a fair chance in our FREE country. sweet reality where gays are still outcast, women are still shunned, and the screaming masses are ignored until we cant fucking take it anymore and take up arms and march on a system so broken and corrupt and distraught that the only practical thing would be to completely tear the piece of shit apart from the inside, string up everyone working within it, burn it to the ground, dance on the ashes and then hand all power and control over to a 12 year old african american girl from watts and let her run with it.....
sorry...i got a bit off track there...but its all relevant, in one way or another. its all painful, life is hard, people lie and cheat and steal, ive broken laws and hurt people, love is impossible, and my dog has fleas to top it all off. where does it ever end?
so as i was saying...i sat and watched that sunset...trying nothing more than to bring it all into focus...to remind myself why i was here and what i was doing and where i was going. and no matter how much i drank, it didnt help clear anything up. and maybe that was ok...maybe not knowing was exactly what i needed and a little fear and self doubt might go a long way. not like i ever had a plan, not like i ever wanted to have a plan anyway. not like if i did have a plan it would have ever fallen into place or worked out the way i had thought it would...ive proven that one before, time and time again.
and as i walked down that dusty sidewalk, waiting for the lights to turn green and the cars to go by, a few things fell into place. its a strange feeling to feel like there is nowhere you can refer to as home anymore. and at the same time its a feeling that you cant just shake and you cant decide if its good or bad, or if it just is. the place i was most familiar with wasnt the same, the place id seen and done it all was not what i once knew. the faces were the same, the people in the right places, but of course nothing gold can stay. we all remember that one right?
so i shuffled on down the street, wondering if my first home would feel like home, but remember i had to sleep on the couch the last time i was there, no matter how comfortable it was, its not mine anymore. and when my plane landed and i saw the snow on the hills and the familiar off ramp at 600 south, i was hoping my stomach would settle and id remember a few things...but still nothing. this place, as safe and welcoming as i once knew it, it wasnt home either. at least not right now, not then, maybe not ever, or maybe ill feel different tomorrow.
for the first time in my life i realized that maybe i wasnt someone who deserved any of that, deserved the lives ive seen and been jealous of, and the people who are proud to call such and such home. maybe that just wasnt in the cards for me or any of us. and maybe thats ok. im still not sure. that feeling is still in my stomach, the first thing i notice every morning when i wake up and im not sure how to shake it. and i think of the people and friends and the ones who made certain places perfect and bright, and i cant help but be so thankful for all of them, cant help but miss them and want to hold them, cant help but want to reach out and tell them how i feel...and tell them regardless of where im staying, home is with them. thats where im safe and sure and confident.

i stepped over that last curb that night into the parking lot, kicked a rock across a few parking spots, once so familiar, now just a memory. and i watched the street lights come on...and i tried to think of a day when i knew what home felt like...of a time when i didnt have a doubt in my mind...of a place where being warm and safe were just a given...of people who loved, without question...i tried to make that feeling in my stomach go away, drink and dance and song didnt do me any good that night. and like i said..its not a totally lost, totally sad feeling...but just one where you begin to realize that theres a chance that maybe you just dont belong or fit in, maybe you should quit worrying about yourself and help others, and maybe it is going to hurt for a long long long time, and maybe you should quit being selfish, and maybe its a long way from your heart, or is it, and maybe there is nothing you can do about it...

and maybe...just maybe...thats the fucking beauty of it all.
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