how to never be a hero...
you know i sat on that old, broken down, rusty bench for the better part of the day, just thinking and wondering and trying to figure everything out in my head. all the shit that really didnt make sense. all the things that a person would like to think that they could just sit and work out if they had the time. well i took the time, and im pretty sure im just more confused now than i was when i started.
for some reason i cant seem to shake the feeling that im just taking up space. just existing. i know for a fact that if i disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow, nothing would change, life would go on, the sun would rise and set, and the stars would still shine every night. its really the most helpless feeling in the world. you know what the worst part is? its the fact that i try to think back as far as i can remember and wonder if i ever felt any different and the only thing i know for certain is that as the years go on i become more and more comfortable knowing that i mean nothing in the big picture of life. you know, its ok...like i said, im not really too worried about it. ive tried to be everything, tried to be amazing, tried to win, tried to be the best, the champ, tried to bring people happiness and it seems that everytime, no matter what, i come up just a bit short. and you know what...its totally ok.
im
just
somewhere
in
the
middle.
and thats ok. i guess we cant all be superheroes, and you know ive tried, but my cape was just a bit too short, and for some reason i just couldnt jump the tall buildings in just a single bound. so really what can you do about it?
ive walked miles in my own scuffed, beaten up sneakers, seen things that so many people will never have the chance to see. ive fought and won, ive been beaten to a bloody pulp, ive stood up for the ones i loved, ive held hands, ive seen the sun rise and the sun set all in the same 24 hour period, ive danced like a complete fool, ive cried like a complete baby. ive sang songs and played instruments, ive screamed at people with power, ive ran from the same people. ive cheated on tests, ive aced final exams, ive been caught in the rain, ive loved and hated, and been a friend, and been a bad friend too. ive loved and been loved and then been unloved again, ive been wanted and outcast, ive been told the truth and then lied to, ive bitten the hand that feeds. and really, it hasnt done anything more than just proved to me that life is nothing but ups and downs, and ive got a white knuckle grip on the bar in front of me. and really, why am i holding on so tight? is it because im scared of the pit that i know is growing inside my stomach, that goddamn feeling that i just cant shake...i really wish i knew.
and i wish i had some better words sometimes, i wish i could say the right things, i wish i knew all the right moves and ran with the cool crowd, and had all the hip clothes and talked in the right slang. goddamn what i would give to be part of it all, part of the scene, part of everything that everyone seems so impressed with.
but you know what? im not. i never will be. im a lost boy. one of the outsiders. im not ever going to be a trophy, not ever going to be something regarded as the best. somewhere in the middle. im not going to have millions, im not going to win elections or run businesses or be a hero. ill just get by. scraping the bottom, trying to tread water and not let my head slip under. and its ok, no one expects more. no one needs it, there are plenty of people to be what im not. and im living, and getting by, and just merely existing, but there is something to be said for it all. something that the ones like us will cherish as we walk alone into sunsets in far off lands. something that only we can understand when we see each other and smile and nod. an inside joke if you will. our own little secret. its the only thing that keeps me from pulling that trigger, that makes me smile when the sun hits my face in the morning. the thing that reminds me that the rain is beautiful and that when the leaves change every season not to forget to enjoy it for short time it lasts. those leaves...never giving up. hows that for a metaphor...even as they are dying, they are completely selfless, putting on their best show, knowing they only have a few days left. just for us. just for us to see and smile and say, "aww, how pretty."
thats the rub. thats what keeps us going, keeps us beautiful losers plodding along and wondering why everything is how it is.
so the secret you ask...you want to know?
the thing that only certain ones, the lost, hopeless hopefuls understand? the forgotten, golden ones seem to grasp? the kids that sing out in the rain, the kids that dance in front of fires hold true to their hearts? you want to know what it is that really makes it all worthwhile, somehow makes this miserable life livable?
well, thats just the thing.
life. just living, just being. you either understand or you dont.
if you have nothing to lose, then you have everything to gain, and for what its worth, i have a lot of gaining to do.
for some reason i cant seem to shake the feeling that im just taking up space. just existing. i know for a fact that if i disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow, nothing would change, life would go on, the sun would rise and set, and the stars would still shine every night. its really the most helpless feeling in the world. you know what the worst part is? its the fact that i try to think back as far as i can remember and wonder if i ever felt any different and the only thing i know for certain is that as the years go on i become more and more comfortable knowing that i mean nothing in the big picture of life. you know, its ok...like i said, im not really too worried about it. ive tried to be everything, tried to be amazing, tried to win, tried to be the best, the champ, tried to bring people happiness and it seems that everytime, no matter what, i come up just a bit short. and you know what...its totally ok.
im
just
somewhere
in
the
middle.
and thats ok. i guess we cant all be superheroes, and you know ive tried, but my cape was just a bit too short, and for some reason i just couldnt jump the tall buildings in just a single bound. so really what can you do about it?
ive walked miles in my own scuffed, beaten up sneakers, seen things that so many people will never have the chance to see. ive fought and won, ive been beaten to a bloody pulp, ive stood up for the ones i loved, ive held hands, ive seen the sun rise and the sun set all in the same 24 hour period, ive danced like a complete fool, ive cried like a complete baby. ive sang songs and played instruments, ive screamed at people with power, ive ran from the same people. ive cheated on tests, ive aced final exams, ive been caught in the rain, ive loved and hated, and been a friend, and been a bad friend too. ive loved and been loved and then been unloved again, ive been wanted and outcast, ive been told the truth and then lied to, ive bitten the hand that feeds. and really, it hasnt done anything more than just proved to me that life is nothing but ups and downs, and ive got a white knuckle grip on the bar in front of me. and really, why am i holding on so tight? is it because im scared of the pit that i know is growing inside my stomach, that goddamn feeling that i just cant shake...i really wish i knew.
and i wish i had some better words sometimes, i wish i could say the right things, i wish i knew all the right moves and ran with the cool crowd, and had all the hip clothes and talked in the right slang. goddamn what i would give to be part of it all, part of the scene, part of everything that everyone seems so impressed with.
but you know what? im not. i never will be. im a lost boy. one of the outsiders. im not ever going to be a trophy, not ever going to be something regarded as the best. somewhere in the middle. im not going to have millions, im not going to win elections or run businesses or be a hero. ill just get by. scraping the bottom, trying to tread water and not let my head slip under. and its ok, no one expects more. no one needs it, there are plenty of people to be what im not. and im living, and getting by, and just merely existing, but there is something to be said for it all. something that the ones like us will cherish as we walk alone into sunsets in far off lands. something that only we can understand when we see each other and smile and nod. an inside joke if you will. our own little secret. its the only thing that keeps me from pulling that trigger, that makes me smile when the sun hits my face in the morning. the thing that reminds me that the rain is beautiful and that when the leaves change every season not to forget to enjoy it for short time it lasts. those leaves...never giving up. hows that for a metaphor...even as they are dying, they are completely selfless, putting on their best show, knowing they only have a few days left. just for us. just for us to see and smile and say, "aww, how pretty."
thats the rub. thats what keeps us going, keeps us beautiful losers plodding along and wondering why everything is how it is.
so the secret you ask...you want to know?
the thing that only certain ones, the lost, hopeless hopefuls understand? the forgotten, golden ones seem to grasp? the kids that sing out in the rain, the kids that dance in front of fires hold true to their hearts? you want to know what it is that really makes it all worthwhile, somehow makes this miserable life livable?
well, thats just the thing.
life. just living, just being. you either understand or you dont.
if you have nothing to lose, then you have everything to gain, and for what its worth, i have a lot of gaining to do.