i don't know if i ever got a chance to thank you.
i don't know if i'm ever going to be the type of person where someone holds me in high regard, where i'm placed on a pedastal in their mind, but that's okay. i'm perfectly fine with whatever way people choose to look at me. but i remember last year katelyn hanson walked around a drama rehearsal, asking people who they admired. two of my answers are still the same: katelyn and jordan. and in addition there is andrew, billy and ryan.
i was about to go off on tangents about each and every single one of them but i don't think that's necessary. some of these people may not be my best friends, or my closest friends, or friends that i've known for a long period of time. i just look at them and i see a beautiful soul within them, and i admire it. these five exude passion and wit and humour and love and i have so much admiration for each of them. i became close with two of them my senior year, i met two of them my freshman year, and one i've known since second grade.
i don't intend to keep in touch with katelyn after high school. it's not that i don't want to, it's just i don't expect us to. she was never a close friend, she was just a simple friend in my life, that's all and yet i loved everything about her. but the rest of them i hope to stay in contact with for a long time.
i wrote this entry tonight because billy texted me that he'll miss me, and even if there's not more than a handful that told me that, i just loved reading that, and tonight at work, as i spoke to people about high school, i realized that when i look back later on in my life, these faces will come to my mind and these faces will remind me why i cherished it. they won't make me think of horrible times. look at my eyes, look at my smiles, they're real in those pictures. i loved those moments as much as i loved these people. and that's what it's all about. that's what matters. and i shouldn't have cared about fifty other thousand dramatic problems.
but as i'm packing and really placing my life into a suitcase, i've started piling up the picture frames and photographs i'm taking with me, and the cds with songs that make me think of all of you, and the books like perks with infinite moments, and extremely loud and incredibly close, and the sisterhood knowing i should've returned it ages ago! tonight, i wondered if it was a smart choice to leave for a month during the only summer that's left before people start packing up their lives for good to go away to college. and i went back and forth from the shake of my head or a nod, and i haven't decided yet. however, whatever this experience is going to be, good or bad, it's making me realize that wherever any of us are, we're going to take a piece of one another with us. and i don't just mean the faces above these paragraphs in this journal entry, i mean all of you reading this and not reading this, and the ones i'll be able to tell this to and the ones i won't. and i don't know. i just felt like that thought was beautiful.
i love you. i may not be the greatest person. i'm pretty sure many of you have probably loathed me at some point, but that's okay. i love you and that's what matters to me at this moment. hahaha, i sound like i'm leaving for good. but i've never been gone this long without family or friends, and i just don't want this summer to go to waste without people knowing that. i wish i wasn't missing your graduation parties, it'd probably be the last time i'd see some of you. and like this morning, i wish i could've called billy up and asked him to go get food. and it's sort of putting me into the perspective of what september is going to be like as well as the following months. this whole leaving thing is really making me realize what the end of this summer is going to be like for the rest of you that are going away. so don't forget about me and don't forget that i love every single one of you. oh man, wow, this entry was utterly and incredibly sappy. wow.