BANK ROBBERY extravaganza.
so today i was cashing a check in the bank when 3 men with fucking pistols and ski masks come in shouting. i begin to laugh as i think its a joke (how cliche' of me to do), my mom starts to skuttle out the door, and then i see their pistols and i look at her like she's fucking crazy, trying to run away from 3 guys with guns in the room. one of the masked men pushes me aside with his gun then uses me as leverage to jump over the counter (the officer later stated that that was very nice of me to do. i liked him). he grabs what i thought was my teller by the neck, puts a gun to her back and tells her to open her drawer (later i discovered that my teller, who was MAD hot, had actually just dropped to the floor. it was the drive-thru teller that got assaulted).
at this point i turn to check what the fuck is going on and another one of the gunmen grabs the bigger lady (apparently the manager) and drags her into the office and puts a gun to her head shouting at her, more than likely about money. i mean maybe. so now there are two guns at lethal positions, my mom is already in the car waving to me (and left me inside..apparently she didnt see the guns when they came in), i have no idea where the 3rd gunman went, everyone is screaming, and i cant hit on my teller anymore. i take about 3-4 seconds to register this all, then slowly walked out of the bank because absolutely no one took it upon themselves to stop the civilian witnesses (which were solely me and my mother). when i say "slowly", i mean "slowly". it probably took me 15 seconds to walk about 7-8 feet, but to me i was just cautiously walking (later i find out this is called "shock". go figure).
i hand the keys to my mom and as she's starting the car i look up and make eye contact with this black man in the driver seat of this car parked backwards next to us i.e. their driver. the contact was a bit frightening, and sort of woke me up from my shock of the situation. i didnt see any bit of realization of "hey these civilians just walked out of the bank that my buddies with glocs just walked into maybe i shouldnt let them go"...but the story humor called 'melodramatics' tells me i should say i saw FEAR in his eyes...NAY...the DEVIL. and hell, god was there too. it was a party.
so anyway, we start to pull out and im making eye contact with this mid 30s, black mustache'd, black male with brown eyes and a gimp leg, and i realize they hey, holy shit im out of the bank i should probably call the police if this fucker doesnt mow me down before we get away. so me and my mom already have our cell phones in hand calling, and we start having this shouting match about who could shout the driver's license plate number louder. she gets thru first and starts talking as we're pulling out of the parking lot. according to the civilian who was trying to get money from the drive-thru window, the bad guys came out and got in their car and pointed at my car, then peeled away to catch us. at this point, after having made myself stop looking in the direction of the devil, i look in the review mirror and notice said devil in car following us (with the other assailants in tow as well i assume). so i start shouting to "HIT THE FUCKING GAS MOM" as she roars away at 25 mph in the slow lane. i look in the review mirror as a red bag looking like something you would get at champs for carrying a sweatshirt hit the ground on the side of the road with a large hole in the side of it. then they hang a hard right into the food lion shopping center and we lose them...all the while my mom shouting step by step news coverage at the lady on the phone.
what they had what is called "bait money" which is set to explode (yes. self-destructive money. irony?) and sprays red ink all over the remaining bills in the load, and the robbers. according to speculation, and well, logic...what happened was that they were chaising us to make sure we didnt give a license plate #, the money triggered, black gangstas were sprayed with smelly red ink, lost half their 'hard earned cash', so they said "fuck it. get the fuck out of here dawg."
this is the point where me and my mom start incessantly start shouting at each other for 'leaving' and 'not leaving'..both 'too fast'. she turns around and starts heading back towards the bank and i give her a questioning look. we pull back into the parking lot to see an officer crouched behind his car with his gun out, magnum PI style, with the gun on the top of the car pointed at the bank entrance. so, my mom proceeds to park BEHIND HIM....like you know...right in the exact DIRECTION SOMEONE WOULD BE SHOOTING AT A COP. i start yelling/cursing. she moves.
another couple cops arrive and i jump out to talk to the cop with the aeropostale sweatshirt and beanie on, because thats just self-explanatory. i tell him exactly what they did after they pull into the foodlion and he radios it in. one minute later a silver excursion flies by going somewhere around 95 i'd say....quickly followed by like 9 or 10 cop cars (it would have made my day if they'd mooned the bank as they drove back by). five more minutes go by, someone radio's that the suspects have been apprehended.
i pase for the next 10 minutes. aeropostale cop invites me and my mom inside the bank. we spend about an hour waiting as detectives and firetrucks and ambulances come and go and check the bank employees (all women) to make sure they're ok. we finally get interrogated and give written testimonies etc. the cops say that it was because of me and my mom that they caught them. i say goodbye to my sexy teller and all the bank employees thank us like 5 times before we walk out the door. i didnt even get my $100 from the check i was cashing. bastards.
so boys, from me to you, in prison, i only have one thing to say:
"Keep it real...fuckers."
fin.
-tony
at this point i turn to check what the fuck is going on and another one of the gunmen grabs the bigger lady (apparently the manager) and drags her into the office and puts a gun to her head shouting at her, more than likely about money. i mean maybe. so now there are two guns at lethal positions, my mom is already in the car waving to me (and left me inside..apparently she didnt see the guns when they came in), i have no idea where the 3rd gunman went, everyone is screaming, and i cant hit on my teller anymore. i take about 3-4 seconds to register this all, then slowly walked out of the bank because absolutely no one took it upon themselves to stop the civilian witnesses (which were solely me and my mother). when i say "slowly", i mean "slowly". it probably took me 15 seconds to walk about 7-8 feet, but to me i was just cautiously walking (later i find out this is called "shock". go figure).
i hand the keys to my mom and as she's starting the car i look up and make eye contact with this black man in the driver seat of this car parked backwards next to us i.e. their driver. the contact was a bit frightening, and sort of woke me up from my shock of the situation. i didnt see any bit of realization of "hey these civilians just walked out of the bank that my buddies with glocs just walked into maybe i shouldnt let them go"...but the story humor called 'melodramatics' tells me i should say i saw FEAR in his eyes...NAY...the DEVIL. and hell, god was there too. it was a party.
so anyway, we start to pull out and im making eye contact with this mid 30s, black mustache'd, black male with brown eyes and a gimp leg, and i realize they hey, holy shit im out of the bank i should probably call the police if this fucker doesnt mow me down before we get away. so me and my mom already have our cell phones in hand calling, and we start having this shouting match about who could shout the driver's license plate number louder. she gets thru first and starts talking as we're pulling out of the parking lot. according to the civilian who was trying to get money from the drive-thru window, the bad guys came out and got in their car and pointed at my car, then peeled away to catch us. at this point, after having made myself stop looking in the direction of the devil, i look in the review mirror and notice said devil in car following us (with the other assailants in tow as well i assume). so i start shouting to "HIT THE FUCKING GAS MOM" as she roars away at 25 mph in the slow lane. i look in the review mirror as a red bag looking like something you would get at champs for carrying a sweatshirt hit the ground on the side of the road with a large hole in the side of it. then they hang a hard right into the food lion shopping center and we lose them...all the while my mom shouting step by step news coverage at the lady on the phone.
what they had what is called "bait money" which is set to explode (yes. self-destructive money. irony?) and sprays red ink all over the remaining bills in the load, and the robbers. according to speculation, and well, logic...what happened was that they were chaising us to make sure we didnt give a license plate #, the money triggered, black gangstas were sprayed with smelly red ink, lost half their 'hard earned cash', so they said "fuck it. get the fuck out of here dawg."
this is the point where me and my mom start incessantly start shouting at each other for 'leaving' and 'not leaving'..both 'too fast'. she turns around and starts heading back towards the bank and i give her a questioning look. we pull back into the parking lot to see an officer crouched behind his car with his gun out, magnum PI style, with the gun on the top of the car pointed at the bank entrance. so, my mom proceeds to park BEHIND HIM....like you know...right in the exact DIRECTION SOMEONE WOULD BE SHOOTING AT A COP. i start yelling/cursing. she moves.
another couple cops arrive and i jump out to talk to the cop with the aeropostale sweatshirt and beanie on, because thats just self-explanatory. i tell him exactly what they did after they pull into the foodlion and he radios it in. one minute later a silver excursion flies by going somewhere around 95 i'd say....quickly followed by like 9 or 10 cop cars (it would have made my day if they'd mooned the bank as they drove back by). five more minutes go by, someone radio's that the suspects have been apprehended.
i pase for the next 10 minutes. aeropostale cop invites me and my mom inside the bank. we spend about an hour waiting as detectives and firetrucks and ambulances come and go and check the bank employees (all women) to make sure they're ok. we finally get interrogated and give written testimonies etc. the cops say that it was because of me and my mom that they caught them. i say goodbye to my sexy teller and all the bank employees thank us like 5 times before we walk out the door. i didnt even get my $100 from the check i was cashing. bastards.
so boys, from me to you, in prison, i only have one thing to say:
"Keep it real...fuckers."
fin.
-tony