colors
after lack of mention or something of that magnitude i've decided to write. to actually write, not some stupid entry like those ive been writing for some time now but an actual one. i dont care if you or anybody else actually reads it or takes it for anything but there is alot of things i need to address or release from that in which moves my fingers, onto this keyboard and is dislplayed on this screen. i spent some time today looking back on some of my past, from things as insignificant as my oldest myspace comments to sitting out on my hammock for a gooooood long while reflecting over what ive become. although, as i adressed winter, this type of reflection was perfectly depressing while being equally refreshing but its The Moments in which stuck in my head that took up most of the time spent reading and thinking. One would think that these moments would've consisted of happy thoughts but most did not. actually there were few in which i can think of still and remember vividly when i was actually happy, most having been not so long ago within the past year or so. i havent had a bad life thats for sure, ive been given everything ive gotten and earned very few of anything that ive obtained. im ussually a quitter and can't finish much of anything. although this has been a trend in which ive set for myself i dont plan on that consistancy being present for any longer, atleast in this subject in which i address.
ive come to find out few things about myself; 1.) i am a horrible writer and this entry and ones like it prove it. 2.) i am much too over confident when it comes to insignificant things like self esteem and such, this is a trait in which ussually kills me. 3.) i care way too much about things that people my age do not, although lately i havent expressed much of it, i do. 3.) i jump just short, and i fall hard. 4.) i enjoy music. 5.) i fear change. 6.) i dont want to grow up. 7.) i think i sing alot better than i actually do. 8.) i'd fight my world to show it how much i cared. 9.) ive come to a place in my life in which seems right, including those individuals that shape me with their prescense and LOVE.
although those of you who dont really know me wont understand any of that but it all is true. there might be a few things more i could say but im not sure about any of it. i wish i was. so what now? i finish my senior year graduate with a bunch of people that dont know my name, and go to college then surrender to some boring job in which after i get over the initial shock of individual self reliance i will regret ever getting. i dont know about all that. but i dont care to think about the future. atleast for the time being. everyone is always trying to put that in my head twenty four hours a day seven days a week but its just not helping out at all. i constantly hear people remind me of whats required or expected of me, i constantly hear people remind me of how old i am, as compared to those i surround myself with, i constantly hear those doubt myself and themselves due to fear and anxiety about the future. well fuck that. fuck angst fuck fear.
i've developed a new way of thinking and approaching things in the past couple of months and i wish that people would somehow persuade themselves to agree with me, but thats out of my control. the way i see it is: what we as people and as a society are, IS RIGHT NOW. nobody or nothing is garunteed itself by morning. although this is a harsh sense of reality it is true and i beleive that we should live our lives according to it. dont let go of now in fear of the future. ive come to develop a feeling in which i believe feels right, call it what you want, but it is indeed present amoung myself and amoung ourselves as we act when blending colors. these colors in which mix and mate seem to brighten up my life everyday, to say that this was all that made me happy would be a lie, but to say that i am alot happier with this presence of color is nothing close to a lie, and to say that i am not myself without this color is not as much of a lie as one would like to think so. although i pride myself on independence and a trend of lack of interaction with people this is not the case right now. i need this as much as is possible, just as .... ( i was goin to put a clever copeland quote down but i cant remember it and the photographs in which i had that the lyrics were pasted on are not close by...).
although fear and anxiety are that in which seem to have affected a descian made in which has affected my life. i in no way blame that or you for any of this. i almost feel proud to think that someone could fill themselves with this much self innitiative to make a descian this hard, and maybe just maybe, the same self innitiative will be used to help figure things out. i trust in you and in us with all that i am reguardless of confusion.
i have so much left to say. i wish that i could hold you and tell you all will be fine, cause i can garuntee you that it will be. i wish that i could constantly remind you of your beauty, and the past; more importantly how the past has blended with the prescense and could blend with the future, as colors; as colors all put down on a piece of canvas, as colors in which the sun would make visible in the morning, as colors in which the mirror would relay our smiles, as colors in which at night would help us anticipate the morning, as colors in which are and hopefully will continue to be visible even when i close my eyes.
i understand. im sorry. keep singing, your still in key. and take as much time as you need.
ive come to find out few things about myself; 1.) i am a horrible writer and this entry and ones like it prove it. 2.) i am much too over confident when it comes to insignificant things like self esteem and such, this is a trait in which ussually kills me. 3.) i care way too much about things that people my age do not, although lately i havent expressed much of it, i do. 3.) i jump just short, and i fall hard. 4.) i enjoy music. 5.) i fear change. 6.) i dont want to grow up. 7.) i think i sing alot better than i actually do. 8.) i'd fight my world to show it how much i cared. 9.) ive come to a place in my life in which seems right, including those individuals that shape me with their prescense and LOVE.
although those of you who dont really know me wont understand any of that but it all is true. there might be a few things more i could say but im not sure about any of it. i wish i was. so what now? i finish my senior year graduate with a bunch of people that dont know my name, and go to college then surrender to some boring job in which after i get over the initial shock of individual self reliance i will regret ever getting. i dont know about all that. but i dont care to think about the future. atleast for the time being. everyone is always trying to put that in my head twenty four hours a day seven days a week but its just not helping out at all. i constantly hear people remind me of whats required or expected of me, i constantly hear people remind me of how old i am, as compared to those i surround myself with, i constantly hear those doubt myself and themselves due to fear and anxiety about the future. well fuck that. fuck angst fuck fear.
i've developed a new way of thinking and approaching things in the past couple of months and i wish that people would somehow persuade themselves to agree with me, but thats out of my control. the way i see it is: what we as people and as a society are, IS RIGHT NOW. nobody or nothing is garunteed itself by morning. although this is a harsh sense of reality it is true and i beleive that we should live our lives according to it. dont let go of now in fear of the future. ive come to develop a feeling in which i believe feels right, call it what you want, but it is indeed present amoung myself and amoung ourselves as we act when blending colors. these colors in which mix and mate seem to brighten up my life everyday, to say that this was all that made me happy would be a lie, but to say that i am alot happier with this presence of color is nothing close to a lie, and to say that i am not myself without this color is not as much of a lie as one would like to think so. although i pride myself on independence and a trend of lack of interaction with people this is not the case right now. i need this as much as is possible, just as .... ( i was goin to put a clever copeland quote down but i cant remember it and the photographs in which i had that the lyrics were pasted on are not close by...).
although fear and anxiety are that in which seem to have affected a descian made in which has affected my life. i in no way blame that or you for any of this. i almost feel proud to think that someone could fill themselves with this much self innitiative to make a descian this hard, and maybe just maybe, the same self innitiative will be used to help figure things out. i trust in you and in us with all that i am reguardless of confusion.
i have so much left to say. i wish that i could hold you and tell you all will be fine, cause i can garuntee you that it will be. i wish that i could constantly remind you of your beauty, and the past; more importantly how the past has blended with the prescense and could blend with the future, as colors; as colors all put down on a piece of canvas, as colors in which the sun would make visible in the morning, as colors in which the mirror would relay our smiles, as colors in which at night would help us anticipate the morning, as colors in which are and hopefully will continue to be visible even when i close my eyes.
i understand. im sorry. keep singing, your still in key. and take as much time as you need.