.r.e.s.p.e.c.t.
[ a lot of times, when people ask me questions I have to stop and think. The other day, a friend asked me if i regretted being an MPC. "no," the response slipped out of my lips before i could even think about it. this semester has been my most difficult semester at brown. i started working two jobs, averaging working 22 hours a week, maybe that doesn't sound like much, but on top of classes, extracurriculars and life, it added up to a lot. and being a counselor draws on a lot of emotional energy as well as time commitments. but i guess all in all, i am so thankful for the opportunity God gave me to be an MPC this year. the sense of community, support and the relationships that have formed have truly been a blessing. God has continually shown me my own inadequacy and i know i still have a lot to learn there.
but i guess something that this made me think about, was something else that i've been struggling with. i've been having some difficulty with what some would call "the christian community" at brown. not my friends or the individual people that i know, but more of a broader, structural/institutional/organizational/widespread ethos/vibe of the "community" i realize that part of that is just me and my baggage, but many other members have expressed similar sentiments, so i know it is not entirely a me thing.
so anyway, i guess i had been feeling a little confused about how i fit in to all of this, and i realized that i had felt a lot more love and support from the third world community than certain other communities through some of my difficult times this semester. i know that sounds pretty selfish, and i know that no matter how hard things seem, we should still care about and love others. this semester though, i guess i felt like i was a lot more aware of my own needs and failings, and i just didn't feel like i was at a place where i could be as much of a help and support to others as i would have liked. no mistake about it, i am so thankful to God for providing that community and support and love and some of the members of my christian familyhave also been incredibly loving and supportive. but part of that seemed reversed. i know part of it could be that i have been able to open up and be honest with some of the third world community, maybe because i had the chance, or a safe space or just the people who knew how to make sure that i didn't slip through the cracks or stay silenced in the background. by no means is the third world community a unified cohesive body on this campus, but in many ways opposition has brought us closer together, it seems like on a campus such as brown, the christian community could do the same thing.
i know part of it is my own hesitation, caving in to the pressures of making myself palpatable to the christian fellowship, thinking that if i alienate these people i don't really have another option and that in many ways there is a very strict cultural norm within the organization that i find myself consciously and subconciously trying to adhere to. part of my frustration with chc i guess, has been the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual toll that that has caused. like i don't want to go sometimes if it feels like i always have to put on an act, say the proper catch phrases and smile a lot and be sacchrinely friendly and carefree. there have been times when i just want to say, 'hey, you know what? i'm really struggling with this right now. can you please be praying for me?' and that has happened but more on an individual level. i am thankful for that.
when some stuff was going on and i was pretty upset and sorta thrown completely thrown off kilter, a fellow mpc noticed, took the time to sit, listen and just spend time with me, even through the incoherency and rambling and inarticulate, vague hand gestures. by the next day i had a network of fifty something people all over campus- sending me text messages, emails, cards, calling to check and see how i was doing or if i needed anything, making an effort to give me a hug, a shoulder squeeze, pat on the back or a 'hey,' setting up times to hang out, have tea or grab and snack and chill or just talk. sharing from their personal stories and experiences and just letting me know that they were there for me.
that was incredibly powerful. i still don't know how to express my graditutde for that. and i didn't even have to tell them my life story or everything that was going on, just knowing that people were there, cared and had taken the effort to make themselves available and accessible, was so touching.
so for my urban politics i decided to do some research about grassroot community organizing, specifically looking at and comparing race and faith-based community organizing. yes, i am a dork like that, i do think about these kind of things in my spare time as well. a study conducted on oakland, ca showed drastically different results than i have witnessed in my personal experience on the brown university campus. and i guess it came down to shared values, social capital and conceptualization and mobilization of people and political power. currently, one of the differences is the focus and mission of these two groups. as an mpc, i am always aware of issues, such as racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism and homophobia, and to a slightly lesser degree, imperialism. well as mpcs we went through a common experience in training and twtp and shared challenges as counselors in the rpl system. ostracization to differing degrees by the rest of the brown campus and certain policies restricting various forms of social interaction, have in some sense served as unifying factors. but i guess it is also that we have a goal, a purpose that looks beyond us and to a larger community. that we see ourselves as meeting and serving a community need. i guess i haven't felt that constant outlook or emphasis in my fellowship. and i acknowledge that part of that may be my own outlook, but there also seems to be a very strong blanket of complancy and refusal to challenge the status quo, so there aren't as many tangible organized efforts to engage in those actions. this is not meant to be a criticism of my fellowship, just several observations, i gratefully acknowledge that chc has done many positive things and serves valuable purposes here. i won't lie, there is the same fragmentation, judgment and cliquishness in the twc. and it causes many problems there. there are also tons of shallow and superficial interactions, so these are not problems confined to our campus ministry.
in the third world community i've also gotten a glimpse of intense passion and commitment that i respect and admire so much. that's what we should have as christians, that fire, that other people look over and say, 'wow i wish i had that, i wonder what makes them tick?' yeah. wow. it blows my mind. to see that passion and commitment in action in such a real and tangible way. it's challenging and convicting. and i also realize how foolish i've been, subtly trying to put God in a box, confining his workings to those people that i consider to be 'christian.' it's a revelation of my own hypocritical, judgmental and narrowminded attitude and outlook.
i shouldn't be content or settle knowing that my friends and the people around me know that i'm a christian. it isn't enough to go to that bible study, pray for that friend, send that care package or do that random act of kindness to bless someone. there's more. and maybe that's what i'm missing. that passion for justice, overflowing compassion, commitment to valuing and affirming the people around me. the willingness to sacrifice in the midst of personal difficulty and pressuring circumstances. the willlingness to be vulnerable, to be pegged as a radical, black sheep, or heretic. i need to start look to Jesus Christ as my role model, not this creation of the 'perfect christian' fabricated by cultural christianity or my own misconceptions or the opinions of those around me. and that is liberating, challenging and convicting.
lovepeace&respect.]
but i guess something that this made me think about, was something else that i've been struggling with. i've been having some difficulty with what some would call "the christian community" at brown. not my friends or the individual people that i know, but more of a broader, structural/institutional/organizational/widespread ethos/vibe of the "community" i realize that part of that is just me and my baggage, but many other members have expressed similar sentiments, so i know it is not entirely a me thing.
so anyway, i guess i had been feeling a little confused about how i fit in to all of this, and i realized that i had felt a lot more love and support from the third world community than certain other communities through some of my difficult times this semester. i know that sounds pretty selfish, and i know that no matter how hard things seem, we should still care about and love others. this semester though, i guess i felt like i was a lot more aware of my own needs and failings, and i just didn't feel like i was at a place where i could be as much of a help and support to others as i would have liked. no mistake about it, i am so thankful to God for providing that community and support and love and some of the members of my christian familyhave also been incredibly loving and supportive. but part of that seemed reversed. i know part of it could be that i have been able to open up and be honest with some of the third world community, maybe because i had the chance, or a safe space or just the people who knew how to make sure that i didn't slip through the cracks or stay silenced in the background. by no means is the third world community a unified cohesive body on this campus, but in many ways opposition has brought us closer together, it seems like on a campus such as brown, the christian community could do the same thing.
i know part of it is my own hesitation, caving in to the pressures of making myself palpatable to the christian fellowship, thinking that if i alienate these people i don't really have another option and that in many ways there is a very strict cultural norm within the organization that i find myself consciously and subconciously trying to adhere to. part of my frustration with chc i guess, has been the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual toll that that has caused. like i don't want to go sometimes if it feels like i always have to put on an act, say the proper catch phrases and smile a lot and be sacchrinely friendly and carefree. there have been times when i just want to say, 'hey, you know what? i'm really struggling with this right now. can you please be praying for me?' and that has happened but more on an individual level. i am thankful for that.
when some stuff was going on and i was pretty upset and sorta thrown completely thrown off kilter, a fellow mpc noticed, took the time to sit, listen and just spend time with me, even through the incoherency and rambling and inarticulate, vague hand gestures. by the next day i had a network of fifty something people all over campus- sending me text messages, emails, cards, calling to check and see how i was doing or if i needed anything, making an effort to give me a hug, a shoulder squeeze, pat on the back or a 'hey,' setting up times to hang out, have tea or grab and snack and chill or just talk. sharing from their personal stories and experiences and just letting me know that they were there for me.
that was incredibly powerful. i still don't know how to express my graditutde for that. and i didn't even have to tell them my life story or everything that was going on, just knowing that people were there, cared and had taken the effort to make themselves available and accessible, was so touching.
so for my urban politics i decided to do some research about grassroot community organizing, specifically looking at and comparing race and faith-based community organizing. yes, i am a dork like that, i do think about these kind of things in my spare time as well. a study conducted on oakland, ca showed drastically different results than i have witnessed in my personal experience on the brown university campus. and i guess it came down to shared values, social capital and conceptualization and mobilization of people and political power. currently, one of the differences is the focus and mission of these two groups. as an mpc, i am always aware of issues, such as racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism and homophobia, and to a slightly lesser degree, imperialism. well as mpcs we went through a common experience in training and twtp and shared challenges as counselors in the rpl system. ostracization to differing degrees by the rest of the brown campus and certain policies restricting various forms of social interaction, have in some sense served as unifying factors. but i guess it is also that we have a goal, a purpose that looks beyond us and to a larger community. that we see ourselves as meeting and serving a community need. i guess i haven't felt that constant outlook or emphasis in my fellowship. and i acknowledge that part of that may be my own outlook, but there also seems to be a very strong blanket of complancy and refusal to challenge the status quo, so there aren't as many tangible organized efforts to engage in those actions. this is not meant to be a criticism of my fellowship, just several observations, i gratefully acknowledge that chc has done many positive things and serves valuable purposes here. i won't lie, there is the same fragmentation, judgment and cliquishness in the twc. and it causes many problems there. there are also tons of shallow and superficial interactions, so these are not problems confined to our campus ministry.
in the third world community i've also gotten a glimpse of intense passion and commitment that i respect and admire so much. that's what we should have as christians, that fire, that other people look over and say, 'wow i wish i had that, i wonder what makes them tick?' yeah. wow. it blows my mind. to see that passion and commitment in action in such a real and tangible way. it's challenging and convicting. and i also realize how foolish i've been, subtly trying to put God in a box, confining his workings to those people that i consider to be 'christian.' it's a revelation of my own hypocritical, judgmental and narrowminded attitude and outlook.
i shouldn't be content or settle knowing that my friends and the people around me know that i'm a christian. it isn't enough to go to that bible study, pray for that friend, send that care package or do that random act of kindness to bless someone. there's more. and maybe that's what i'm missing. that passion for justice, overflowing compassion, commitment to valuing and affirming the people around me. the willingness to sacrifice in the midst of personal difficulty and pressuring circumstances. the willlingness to be vulnerable, to be pegged as a radical, black sheep, or heretic. i need to start look to Jesus Christ as my role model, not this creation of the 'perfect christian' fabricated by cultural christianity or my own misconceptions or the opinions of those around me. and that is liberating, challenging and convicting.
lovepeace&respect.]