(no subject)
I re-discovered livejournal today. Earlier I had a sudden urge to scream, and I wanted someone to hear me. That's when I though of my ol' livejournal. I've been reading old posts made by my ex-boyfriend. Mainly because that is when the peak of my posting was. But also because I had forgotten what that time was like. For some reason, I wanted to remember what it was like. While I was reading the entries I felt the most intense rush of emotions. I spent so long focusing on the negative, I completely forgot, or didn't want to believe there were good memories. It's completely insane how we carry so many emotions with us as we age. One on top of another, they endlessly build up. They build up until they are crushing us to the ground and we break into pieces. Eventually I forget that I'm broken, until the emotions build up again. It's like vomiting. Feeling the slight pain in your stomach that you can put in the back of your mind, until it gradually becomes unbearable. No matter how many times I tell myself I can forget memories or feelings, I always end up collapsing under the weight of it all. I hate feeling like an idiot for randomly wanting to send him a message. Apologizing. For something he obviously doesn't care about anymore. And I'm still fucking thinking about it, how many years later? Ridiculous.
Sometimes I honestly wish that no one ever liked me, (romantically that is). It would have saved so much heartache for everyone involved. That sounds extremely pathetic, and if it truly is, then I'll admit that's what I am. That is what I am. But I'd rather express how I really feel, than worry about how annoying this sounds.
Even though I am very happy being where I am today, when I break down, I can't help wishing things played out differently. I wish I hadn't been so incredibly selfish. I wish I never thought everyone else had to be perfect except me, and I wish I hadn't fucked up every true friendship I had. I wish I were a better person, without having to grow and learn from the bullshit I created. I wish there were a better way to learn life's silly lessons. Why should we have to learn from mistakes?
My life so far has been difficult, very fun at times, boring, busy, and i would like it to be more spontaneous. Confusing is the best word to describe it at this moment.
Since my thoughts have turned into a jumbled mess, I'll leave it at that.
Sometimes I honestly wish that no one ever liked me, (romantically that is). It would have saved so much heartache for everyone involved. That sounds extremely pathetic, and if it truly is, then I'll admit that's what I am. That is what I am. But I'd rather express how I really feel, than worry about how annoying this sounds.
Even though I am very happy being where I am today, when I break down, I can't help wishing things played out differently. I wish I hadn't been so incredibly selfish. I wish I never thought everyone else had to be perfect except me, and I wish I hadn't fucked up every true friendship I had. I wish I were a better person, without having to grow and learn from the bullshit I created. I wish there were a better way to learn life's silly lessons. Why should we have to learn from mistakes?
My life so far has been difficult, very fun at times, boring, busy, and i would like it to be more spontaneous. Confusing is the best word to describe it at this moment.
Since my thoughts have turned into a jumbled mess, I'll leave it at that.