(no subject)
Today i try out doing a journal...
today is my birthday, number 24, this is the first birthday in like 5 years that i get to spend with family and friends. before this one i've been usually just working or stuck out in the middle of nowhere. i think its nice that my best friend wants to be there with me on it. i dont know why i feel depressed. she asks me, "what do you want to do for your birthday", and "what would you like". i dont have a reply to thats question. its just been so long since ive really even had the chance to celebrate it. not really having a liking to cakes or desserts kinda hinders the the whole birthday thing too. i just want today to be special; i mean in my mind im blowing things way outta proportion. i know that most of the day will be wasted away while my friends are at work and as will my family. then theres gonna be like out of nowhere, evreyone trying to cram in some time for me in like a whole 2 hour spree.
right now im on (highly rare to get)vacation. i basically just sit here everyday accomplishing nothing. i know its a vaction; where you're supposed to relax and all; but i rarely get to see my friends already. im also really worried about the impending next 2 years to come. i know this might sound silly but theres a decent standing chance that i might not ever see them again. as i write this i forgot to include im in the army, and am being deployed to iraq for an undetermined amount of time. all i know its for atleast 14 months. "at least" being a key word that the army loves to flex in they're favor and needs. i really dont like to talk about my job, and half of it im leagally not allowed to talk about. so ill just drop this subject right here.
hrmmm a little bit of info about me is in order i suppose.. nothin too aboslutley personal but just enouh for yall to get a better understanding of who i am. i was born in port jefferson New York. i dont remeber anything then because my family moved to florida when i was the age of one. every relative outside of my immediate family still lives there. port jefferson is like an hour away from ny city(if you were curious). when i was a kid i used to go up there every other summer. its one of my favorite places. i would love to live there if it didnt snow so much(hatred from snow grew from living in florida for most of my life). in the summer time its absolutely beautiful there. and its so humble there too no busy cities or traffic, just a little cute town that the year 2000 forgot to build up. the people are frinedly and neighborly. the very ideal place that you would want to raise a family in.
in apopka florida(about 10 minutes from orlando) i spent the biggest portion of my life. that place is well... different... and you only know what i mean if you've lived there for a bit lol. i really dont remeber much of my past. its shattered images and memories. missing entire years at a time. for example, i remeber when i was 4 and i could reach a cup from a cabinet(which being short back then was a major accomplishment^^ ). then theres a gap of time i just dont remeber at all till like age 13. from 13 and on i can remeber more but its still fuzzy to the point someone has to give me details before i remeber it. to be honest i think i just blocked out a lot of my life on my own. i just remeber really , really not liking my childhood. that definately one thing i can remember with full clarity. trying to recall my past i can only remeber(outside of my family). my friend matt T., and brett. sometimes i think theres something really wrong with me.
from late middle school years i start to remeber more. no good memrories, just bad ones. i'd say that the only thing good about that is thats where i met my friend jerry. jerry is the one i suppose who knows the most about me. we would just go over to his house and talk, hang out, mess with his his little sister and her friends. just stupid litte fun things that would pass the time. i remember highschool as still bad mememories. i didnt like who i was then. i met my friend rick there and we were best friends then. but for some reason jerry, rick , and matt all there friendships were different. they were all my best friends but i dunno if it was that they didnt know each other or didnt like each other, but they never hung out together.
it was in highshcool i also i had an apiffiny(say it phonectically cause i suck at spelling). to me as far as i know the use of the word, is a significant change or event in your life when happens where everything around you is all messed up and just out of nowhere , *bam* you have clarity. where you have the self-realization to change your life or to focus on something. and i remember that issue more than most things in my life. it also ended up changing me too. it was a sour-sweet change though. im not gonna talk about it in this entry but i will talk about it later in another entry(quite lenghthy ^^). but in retrospect of it all this situation really messed me up. the only good thing that came of itwas that im a bit of a better person now.
then after highschool i just worked, not goals, aspiration, or dreams, just worked. i had gotten my first computer back then in my senior year. thats how i met my friend Denise. im not gonna type much about this cause yet again this is a leghty subject lol(but itll be in another entry). i didnt know when i was talkin to her that she would become my best friend. my four main friends are matt, jerry, rick , and denise. denise has been my best friend ever since, i mean i dont like want it to come out like im lowering my other friends. its just i can talk to her about anything and everything in my life. though i still hold some information back from her about my past(for a couple of reasons). she has been the one person i can fully trust in this life. i have never lied to her accept for 3 things. they werent major lies but they were still lies. one lie is because i dont think shes not ready to hear the truth(or well it might be me just being stubborn lil punk). and another lie is from she never asked the right question and assumed something and it works better with our friendship that way. and the third one would be the answer to, "what do you want for your birthday?", as i reply "nothin". i kina feel bad for lying to her but i am gonna tell her about them soon enough(*braces for the impact* lol).
thats a little bit about me i wish i could remeber more; but i myself am left with nothing more than a shattered life. only trying to pick of the peices of who i am or was. little shards of good memories and a blurry past of hate, pain, and denial.
i kinda like this whole journal thing and i think im gonna keep doing this. i kinda makes me remeber a little bit better. plus i have at least 3 more entires to do. 2 of which were lightly touched on in this entry.
today is my birthday, number 24, this is the first birthday in like 5 years that i get to spend with family and friends. before this one i've been usually just working or stuck out in the middle of nowhere. i think its nice that my best friend wants to be there with me on it. i dont know why i feel depressed. she asks me, "what do you want to do for your birthday", and "what would you like". i dont have a reply to thats question. its just been so long since ive really even had the chance to celebrate it. not really having a liking to cakes or desserts kinda hinders the the whole birthday thing too. i just want today to be special; i mean in my mind im blowing things way outta proportion. i know that most of the day will be wasted away while my friends are at work and as will my family. then theres gonna be like out of nowhere, evreyone trying to cram in some time for me in like a whole 2 hour spree.
right now im on (highly rare to get)vacation. i basically just sit here everyday accomplishing nothing. i know its a vaction; where you're supposed to relax and all; but i rarely get to see my friends already. im also really worried about the impending next 2 years to come. i know this might sound silly but theres a decent standing chance that i might not ever see them again. as i write this i forgot to include im in the army, and am being deployed to iraq for an undetermined amount of time. all i know its for atleast 14 months. "at least" being a key word that the army loves to flex in they're favor and needs. i really dont like to talk about my job, and half of it im leagally not allowed to talk about. so ill just drop this subject right here.
hrmmm a little bit of info about me is in order i suppose.. nothin too aboslutley personal but just enouh for yall to get a better understanding of who i am. i was born in port jefferson New York. i dont remeber anything then because my family moved to florida when i was the age of one. every relative outside of my immediate family still lives there. port jefferson is like an hour away from ny city(if you were curious). when i was a kid i used to go up there every other summer. its one of my favorite places. i would love to live there if it didnt snow so much(hatred from snow grew from living in florida for most of my life). in the summer time its absolutely beautiful there. and its so humble there too no busy cities or traffic, just a little cute town that the year 2000 forgot to build up. the people are frinedly and neighborly. the very ideal place that you would want to raise a family in.
in apopka florida(about 10 minutes from orlando) i spent the biggest portion of my life. that place is well... different... and you only know what i mean if you've lived there for a bit lol. i really dont remeber much of my past. its shattered images and memories. missing entire years at a time. for example, i remeber when i was 4 and i could reach a cup from a cabinet(which being short back then was a major accomplishment^^ ). then theres a gap of time i just dont remeber at all till like age 13. from 13 and on i can remeber more but its still fuzzy to the point someone has to give me details before i remeber it. to be honest i think i just blocked out a lot of my life on my own. i just remeber really , really not liking my childhood. that definately one thing i can remember with full clarity. trying to recall my past i can only remeber(outside of my family). my friend matt T., and brett. sometimes i think theres something really wrong with me.
from late middle school years i start to remeber more. no good memrories, just bad ones. i'd say that the only thing good about that is thats where i met my friend jerry. jerry is the one i suppose who knows the most about me. we would just go over to his house and talk, hang out, mess with his his little sister and her friends. just stupid litte fun things that would pass the time. i remember highschool as still bad mememories. i didnt like who i was then. i met my friend rick there and we were best friends then. but for some reason jerry, rick , and matt all there friendships were different. they were all my best friends but i dunno if it was that they didnt know each other or didnt like each other, but they never hung out together.
it was in highshcool i also i had an apiffiny(say it phonectically cause i suck at spelling). to me as far as i know the use of the word, is a significant change or event in your life when happens where everything around you is all messed up and just out of nowhere , *bam* you have clarity. where you have the self-realization to change your life or to focus on something. and i remember that issue more than most things in my life. it also ended up changing me too. it was a sour-sweet change though. im not gonna talk about it in this entry but i will talk about it later in another entry(quite lenghthy ^^). but in retrospect of it all this situation really messed me up. the only good thing that came of itwas that im a bit of a better person now.
then after highschool i just worked, not goals, aspiration, or dreams, just worked. i had gotten my first computer back then in my senior year. thats how i met my friend Denise. im not gonna type much about this cause yet again this is a leghty subject lol(but itll be in another entry). i didnt know when i was talkin to her that she would become my best friend. my four main friends are matt, jerry, rick , and denise. denise has been my best friend ever since, i mean i dont like want it to come out like im lowering my other friends. its just i can talk to her about anything and everything in my life. though i still hold some information back from her about my past(for a couple of reasons). she has been the one person i can fully trust in this life. i have never lied to her accept for 3 things. they werent major lies but they were still lies. one lie is because i dont think shes not ready to hear the truth(or well it might be me just being stubborn lil punk). and another lie is from she never asked the right question and assumed something and it works better with our friendship that way. and the third one would be the answer to, "what do you want for your birthday?", as i reply "nothin". i kina feel bad for lying to her but i am gonna tell her about them soon enough(*braces for the impact* lol).
thats a little bit about me i wish i could remeber more; but i myself am left with nothing more than a shattered life. only trying to pick of the peices of who i am or was. little shards of good memories and a blurry past of hate, pain, and denial.
i kinda like this whole journal thing and i think im gonna keep doing this. i kinda makes me remeber a little bit better. plus i have at least 3 more entires to do. 2 of which were lightly touched on in this entry.