* <3 sam: "why was i so stupid to go look to make my life better when she was there all along..."
-i still can't breathe without him. i've had almost no appetite, no desire to wake up in the morning, nothing...it's like i'm missing my heart. but, it's getting better, and it's getting a little eensy weensy bit easier to go thru life and get through the hard moments.
-he called me on our anniversary and it broke my heart. he hates it...he's totally miserable. he told me he can't sleep or think or breathe without me. he said the only thing he can do is eat and that's cuz they force him to. and what killed me the most is that he said that he looks at my picture nonstop, for hours.
-i hate that he's feeling just as miserable as i am, i want him to be okay. he has too much to adjust to and focus on and i don't want him to hate it and wanna come home just because he misses me and his family. and it's not fair of me to want him to be home. of course i'll support him no matter what he does, but i feel like if he gives up on this, he'll never do anything with his life because he'll spend forever regretting. yea okay, he said i can make him complete and okay, but he needs to have a job that he loves because if he doesn't, it's going to create so many problems for us. and if he gets out of it like he said he wanted to, then he probably won't be able to be a cop and then all of his dreams are gone.
-simply put, i wanna know if this is the right thing for him to be doing and the only way i can do anything for him is pray. it makes me happy to know that he's praying a lot because he needs it, he always has. i want him home to be able to kiss him and hold him and fall asleep with him and feel him breathe and touch my hand and feel what i feel whenever i'm with him...like i'm actually living. every second of life without him is life on pause, a dim and screwed up version of life. but i honestly 100% think this is what's best for him in the long run.
-they're just fucking with his mind right now and he doesn't realize that millions of other guys have been thru what he's going thru and felt exactly the same way. i wonder how many other families and girlfriends have gotten the same call i got. but he's too strong to give up, too strong, too brave, too Sam.
-a drill sergeant told him he was gonna go to iraq no matter what before his active duty was up, okay, chances are he will go and that absolutely kills me, but that guy didn't know that, he was just fucking with him, trying to break him, trying to weed out the weak..and it kills me to hear him thinking he's weak.
-as of this coming friday, he won't be able to call. i think calling has been his only sanity for this week, which everyone says is the hardest with all the processing and no training, which is what he'll have the most fun with. he's gonna love all the physical shit, well, maybe not love it, but it'll keep him busy and he'll be good at it.
-i got his first letter yesterday. i held on to the envelope for like 5 minutes just knowing that a few days before he had held it too and touched it too. i cried like a little biatch, which i'm doing a little less every couple days, but i still cry constantly. being at his house last night and watching home videos with his family killed me, it was nice, but it killed me. but i can't even describe how it made me feel to see his handwriting and hear him ask me to marry him (which he's done in letter a couple times before, it's adorable) and tell me how much he misses me and loves me and can't wait to be with me. no letter today...it was sad, i'm a mailbox hawk now. he told me on sunday he's already written me about 4 or 5 letters. i can't wait to get his address so i can send him the enormous novel of letters i've written him everyday.
-alrite, i'm gonna go maybe try to do homework. dealing with school right now is the worst possible thing i can do, but there's only 3 weeks left. holy fuck...thank you Lord! thank you soooo much to all my friends who have done sweet things for me and been there for me. i love you guys.
-he called me on our anniversary and it broke my heart. he hates it...he's totally miserable. he told me he can't sleep or think or breathe without me. he said the only thing he can do is eat and that's cuz they force him to. and what killed me the most is that he said that he looks at my picture nonstop, for hours.
-i hate that he's feeling just as miserable as i am, i want him to be okay. he has too much to adjust to and focus on and i don't want him to hate it and wanna come home just because he misses me and his family. and it's not fair of me to want him to be home. of course i'll support him no matter what he does, but i feel like if he gives up on this, he'll never do anything with his life because he'll spend forever regretting. yea okay, he said i can make him complete and okay, but he needs to have a job that he loves because if he doesn't, it's going to create so many problems for us. and if he gets out of it like he said he wanted to, then he probably won't be able to be a cop and then all of his dreams are gone.
-simply put, i wanna know if this is the right thing for him to be doing and the only way i can do anything for him is pray. it makes me happy to know that he's praying a lot because he needs it, he always has. i want him home to be able to kiss him and hold him and fall asleep with him and feel him breathe and touch my hand and feel what i feel whenever i'm with him...like i'm actually living. every second of life without him is life on pause, a dim and screwed up version of life. but i honestly 100% think this is what's best for him in the long run.
-they're just fucking with his mind right now and he doesn't realize that millions of other guys have been thru what he's going thru and felt exactly the same way. i wonder how many other families and girlfriends have gotten the same call i got. but he's too strong to give up, too strong, too brave, too Sam.
-a drill sergeant told him he was gonna go to iraq no matter what before his active duty was up, okay, chances are he will go and that absolutely kills me, but that guy didn't know that, he was just fucking with him, trying to break him, trying to weed out the weak..and it kills me to hear him thinking he's weak.
-as of this coming friday, he won't be able to call. i think calling has been his only sanity for this week, which everyone says is the hardest with all the processing and no training, which is what he'll have the most fun with. he's gonna love all the physical shit, well, maybe not love it, but it'll keep him busy and he'll be good at it.
-i got his first letter yesterday. i held on to the envelope for like 5 minutes just knowing that a few days before he had held it too and touched it too. i cried like a little biatch, which i'm doing a little less every couple days, but i still cry constantly. being at his house last night and watching home videos with his family killed me, it was nice, but it killed me. but i can't even describe how it made me feel to see his handwriting and hear him ask me to marry him (which he's done in letter a couple times before, it's adorable) and tell me how much he misses me and loves me and can't wait to be with me. no letter today...it was sad, i'm a mailbox hawk now. he told me on sunday he's already written me about 4 or 5 letters. i can't wait to get his address so i can send him the enormous novel of letters i've written him everyday.
-alrite, i'm gonna go maybe try to do homework. dealing with school right now is the worst possible thing i can do, but there's only 3 weeks left. holy fuck...thank you Lord! thank you soooo much to all my friends who have done sweet things for me and been there for me. i love you guys.