Once in a Blue moon, I update, and its blue tonight
Hey everyone, just so you know, i didnt die, or fall of the face of the earth, or jump off the library, because there is plexiglass to stop kids from doing that now. However, I have gone throught a great deal of change at my first year of college, and i suppose i am sharing some of that with you guys. I dont suppose i want, or expect anyone to really care, but i think typing it out can help me to flesh out my thoughts, so this post, in a way, is a service to myself.
Ive come to realize that I am far more immature than most of the people around me, in terms of life experience, and general attitude. For most of my life, i have always found myself more attached to people two or so years older than me. Its not because i found them to be like-minded, but rather because they were an interesting model of what could happen to myself in a year or two, and it helped me to make decisions concerning my own future. Hopefully you notice that i lack any specific details here, but you get the gist of things.
The first semester of college was really very rough for me, because for the first time, i was really, truly alone. For anyone who understands, I find it difficult to make good friends, and thus there was nobody I genuinely cared about for several months. I certianly am a friendly person, but my real friends are few and far between. And even then, aside from one person, (who i talk to far less than i should) I dont feel anyone understands me from every angle. They say that its bad to internalize your problems, and that you should aways talk to people about your issues, and I found that to be entirely true. However, the gods awful truth is, nobody really wants to hear them, and its no fun to tell them. Therefore, depression is a death spiral, because you try and look inwards for answers, and what you find inside makes you more upset, and furthermore more insular.
Eventually, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may be small and far away, but it is always there. For me, over winter break, i decided that the easiest way to help myself was to decide to change my life. Not in big ways, but in very many small ones. I think thats the biggest misconception that kids going off to college could possibly have. I told myself that my life wouldnt be so different, just a lot better, and that small secret ended up destroying me. I expected my life to change outright, and a new begining meant that i would be a new person, and when that didnt happen, well, it wasnt pretty. An example of a small change is going to the gym. I try to go every day, and most of the time i succeed, but its something that i do only for myself, and that little fact means the world to me. Also, i found that i think differently, but not so anybody would notice. The big change is (hopefully) gaining a lot of weight and muscle, but i work towards that goal, rather than expect it in a few weeks.
I think this problem is epidemic throughout my school, the Stern school of business. Most of the kids here feel that they have already earned their riches and fortunes, and this place is something like a pothole you have to step over before you get on the rainbow that ends with a pot of gold. Its not in the superior attidute, or the condecending looks that kids from non-business majors get, but rather, its the tone you get when you ask a question, because the answer you get cant possible be wrong, and cant possibly be from a kid who really has absoltuly no idea what hes talking about. Frankly, I ocassionaly find myself ashamed to be part of my school, and when people ask me what i study, i always reply with, "business, unfortunately"
I also feel that i dont accept things outside my experience very well. Having a very open mind, it usually doesnt bother me, but hey, it took me a year and that infamous exile to hell (new jersey) to realize that i was A, going too far with my mom, and B, she sometimes is not a moral or accepting person. Take my first semester as case and point.
This is not to say that i have been cured by the good lord, and that i have learned my lesson. For example, i have one of theose gigantic slew of midterns and papers due next week, and today i took a 5 hour nap, listened to Dr Seus stories, and watched my roomates play monopoly until they were delerious. That game exposes the very worst parts of any person who plays it, and thats what makes it so much fun. Kind of sickening, but very, very true.
So far, Ive managed to keep a sad, but somehow optimistic tone. For anyone who has read this far, congradulations, and i guess some applause for your patience. Usially i hate Livejournal, for it really is a bitchfest, (and more so for some people than others)and Im almost done, because im sleepy, and partially drunk. (I feel that booze is better sleep medicine than Nyquill).
Let me finish off by saying that in light of everything that has happened to me the last two semesters, and everything that hasent (like getting laid) there is nowhere else I would rather be, and that i dont really regret anything that has happned. The future looks bright (except all that effing work) and the possibilites are endless. Maybe you guys will se another update somtime soon, and i really hope to see everyone that i want to over the summer.
I want to thank adam, ariana and danni, all of whom cant read this post, because my spring break trip really meant a lot to me, on all sorts of philosophical levels. Thanks for a great trip, and thanks, as i told Ari (but she was mostly asleep) for a trip that somehow helped me to where I stand today.
Ive come to realize that I am far more immature than most of the people around me, in terms of life experience, and general attitude. For most of my life, i have always found myself more attached to people two or so years older than me. Its not because i found them to be like-minded, but rather because they were an interesting model of what could happen to myself in a year or two, and it helped me to make decisions concerning my own future. Hopefully you notice that i lack any specific details here, but you get the gist of things.
The first semester of college was really very rough for me, because for the first time, i was really, truly alone. For anyone who understands, I find it difficult to make good friends, and thus there was nobody I genuinely cared about for several months. I certianly am a friendly person, but my real friends are few and far between. And even then, aside from one person, (who i talk to far less than i should) I dont feel anyone understands me from every angle. They say that its bad to internalize your problems, and that you should aways talk to people about your issues, and I found that to be entirely true. However, the gods awful truth is, nobody really wants to hear them, and its no fun to tell them. Therefore, depression is a death spiral, because you try and look inwards for answers, and what you find inside makes you more upset, and furthermore more insular.
Eventually, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may be small and far away, but it is always there. For me, over winter break, i decided that the easiest way to help myself was to decide to change my life. Not in big ways, but in very many small ones. I think thats the biggest misconception that kids going off to college could possibly have. I told myself that my life wouldnt be so different, just a lot better, and that small secret ended up destroying me. I expected my life to change outright, and a new begining meant that i would be a new person, and when that didnt happen, well, it wasnt pretty. An example of a small change is going to the gym. I try to go every day, and most of the time i succeed, but its something that i do only for myself, and that little fact means the world to me. Also, i found that i think differently, but not so anybody would notice. The big change is (hopefully) gaining a lot of weight and muscle, but i work towards that goal, rather than expect it in a few weeks.
I think this problem is epidemic throughout my school, the Stern school of business. Most of the kids here feel that they have already earned their riches and fortunes, and this place is something like a pothole you have to step over before you get on the rainbow that ends with a pot of gold. Its not in the superior attidute, or the condecending looks that kids from non-business majors get, but rather, its the tone you get when you ask a question, because the answer you get cant possible be wrong, and cant possibly be from a kid who really has absoltuly no idea what hes talking about. Frankly, I ocassionaly find myself ashamed to be part of my school, and when people ask me what i study, i always reply with, "business, unfortunately"
I also feel that i dont accept things outside my experience very well. Having a very open mind, it usually doesnt bother me, but hey, it took me a year and that infamous exile to hell (new jersey) to realize that i was A, going too far with my mom, and B, she sometimes is not a moral or accepting person. Take my first semester as case and point.
This is not to say that i have been cured by the good lord, and that i have learned my lesson. For example, i have one of theose gigantic slew of midterns and papers due next week, and today i took a 5 hour nap, listened to Dr Seus stories, and watched my roomates play monopoly until they were delerious. That game exposes the very worst parts of any person who plays it, and thats what makes it so much fun. Kind of sickening, but very, very true.
So far, Ive managed to keep a sad, but somehow optimistic tone. For anyone who has read this far, congradulations, and i guess some applause for your patience. Usially i hate Livejournal, for it really is a bitchfest, (and more so for some people than others)and Im almost done, because im sleepy, and partially drunk. (I feel that booze is better sleep medicine than Nyquill).
Let me finish off by saying that in light of everything that has happened to me the last two semesters, and everything that hasent (like getting laid) there is nowhere else I would rather be, and that i dont really regret anything that has happned. The future looks bright (except all that effing work) and the possibilites are endless. Maybe you guys will se another update somtime soon, and i really hope to see everyone that i want to over the summer.
I want to thank adam, ariana and danni, all of whom cant read this post, because my spring break trip really meant a lot to me, on all sorts of philosophical levels. Thanks for a great trip, and thanks, as i told Ari (but she was mostly asleep) for a trip that somehow helped me to where I stand today.