(no subject)
Theres something so strangely beautiful about bleeding. The contrast of your blood against your skin... and the life your blood holds. The life you can easily take away. You are your own god. You hold your own fait in your own hands.
Seven cuts are currently located on my left wrist in a somewhat abstract design. They are from Thursday. A personal outlash to the emotions I've been trying to swallow for months now. For some reason cutting seemed like the only thing I had at the time. It still feels like that now. Nothing seems to matter to me at all. My whole life just seems pointless now. I no longer have any interest in living any longer, because I don't think there is anything left.
I failed grade 9 for the second time and along with that goes my confidence in my ability to suceed, and my confidence in school. I cringe at the thought of myself in a classroom filled with cocky 14 year olds who would think themselves better than me because I am a failure. And it brings tears to my eyes to think that I am supposed to be attending grade eleven next year. Failing once is hard enough, and I managed to deal with that. Failing twice... well its just plain old shitty.
So now where is my life leading? Into the third summer before grade 9 starts. Who knows what will happen after that. I'd guess something simaler to this year. How the hell am I supposed to pass when I can't even get my ass to school? Not to mention the pressure of the teachers and schoolwork... but it's not like I'd let myself go to any other school than GGS right now. The only thing worse than a class full of people who think they're better than me is a school full.
On top of all this, there is no telling what either Rhyan or Dad is going to do when they find out about my failing again. I can assume that Rhyan would use this against me in any future arguments. As for Dad, I cannot even imagine. My plan is to hide from him as much as possible until he dies. $10 000 is alot to pay to fail. You can guess how much guilt I'm feeling.
And I'm finding that being with Andy is ultimatly hurting me more -- because I love him. I think. And he doesn't love me.
The pain is so terrible when you say I love you to someone and they say nothing. But they still seem to care about you... so you think your just not good enough to love. There is something wrong with you. There is something keeping them from loving you.
I know I have at least one person to live for. And thats Dani... and as much as I love her and care for her, its so hard try and place her above all the shit thats been happening to me.
But who am I kidding? I've got it good. I've got a big house, a fridge full of food, my own laptop, tons of clothes I like. I have friends. I have a boyfriend. I have a family willing to do anything for my own wellbeing. I currently have two doctors looking over me, dedicated to just my emotional well being. So why the fuck am I complaining?
Seven cuts are currently located on my left wrist in a somewhat abstract design. They are from Thursday. A personal outlash to the emotions I've been trying to swallow for months now. For some reason cutting seemed like the only thing I had at the time. It still feels like that now. Nothing seems to matter to me at all. My whole life just seems pointless now. I no longer have any interest in living any longer, because I don't think there is anything left.
I failed grade 9 for the second time and along with that goes my confidence in my ability to suceed, and my confidence in school. I cringe at the thought of myself in a classroom filled with cocky 14 year olds who would think themselves better than me because I am a failure. And it brings tears to my eyes to think that I am supposed to be attending grade eleven next year. Failing once is hard enough, and I managed to deal with that. Failing twice... well its just plain old shitty.
So now where is my life leading? Into the third summer before grade 9 starts. Who knows what will happen after that. I'd guess something simaler to this year. How the hell am I supposed to pass when I can't even get my ass to school? Not to mention the pressure of the teachers and schoolwork... but it's not like I'd let myself go to any other school than GGS right now. The only thing worse than a class full of people who think they're better than me is a school full.
On top of all this, there is no telling what either Rhyan or Dad is going to do when they find out about my failing again. I can assume that Rhyan would use this against me in any future arguments. As for Dad, I cannot even imagine. My plan is to hide from him as much as possible until he dies. $10 000 is alot to pay to fail. You can guess how much guilt I'm feeling.
And I'm finding that being with Andy is ultimatly hurting me more -- because I love him. I think. And he doesn't love me.
The pain is so terrible when you say I love you to someone and they say nothing. But they still seem to care about you... so you think your just not good enough to love. There is something wrong with you. There is something keeping them from loving you.
I know I have at least one person to live for. And thats Dani... and as much as I love her and care for her, its so hard try and place her above all the shit thats been happening to me.
But who am I kidding? I've got it good. I've got a big house, a fridge full of food, my own laptop, tons of clothes I like. I have friends. I have a boyfriend. I have a family willing to do anything for my own wellbeing. I currently have two doctors looking over me, dedicated to just my emotional well being. So why the fuck am I complaining?