..wow..
Hi guys,
This is kinda a long conversation with myself lol. Be critical if you want just not to me<3!
Sometime last week I was rereading things that I had written in the past. Things such as LJ entries, diary entries and even things as far back as Xanga entries lol. I guess I'm a moron for going back to all of that shit but sometimes you gotta remind yourself of how you've progressed or need to progress. So the stuff I was reading was all sad and depressing. Most of it was about love and what I thought love was. A lot of it was about wanting things that I didn't have and feeling sorry for myself about it all. It was a lot of fighting and a lot of hurt.. funny thing though, it was all irrelivant. I look back on it and it was a waste of time. Feeling so down was not worth it. My worries are not the same. They have grown with my wants and needs. The things I worried about before seem so incredibly petty. It seems so childish to worry about not having a boyfriend or fighting with a friend about something that is SO meaningless. Its crazy how fast you grow up when your worries change. When you realize you are turning into your mother (*or father*) you freak out a little and want to go back to worrying about boys and stupid fights. Or maybe you don't? I don't think I miss the petty-ness of it all so much. It makes life a little easier in the 'social' dept. Maybe I'm just saying this because the 'boy' area of my life is fulfilled in an extraordinary way. Lonliness takes a toll on everyone and its a sad thing but what is lonliness compared to loss of anything rather.. anyone. Everything is always changing. The way that I personally look at life is a million times different than I used to. Its crazy how you can go from wanting death to waking up each morning realizing how incredibly lucky you are to be alive. It is awful how something that you can sum up in one word 'lonliness' can make you feel complete or not. It isn't even being with someone. It isn't having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Its that feeling of contentness. Most people can be very happy single and that happiness is all that matters. When an individual is single but lonley it is like the world sux. I suppose, because we ARE only human, after any amount of time an individual must experience lonliness whether they are single or not. But tell me why it means so much. Why is it that less than a year ago I cried myself to sleep because I was so lonley but now I find it incredibly foolish? Is it because my lonliness has been cured or because I have grown up? If again in the future I become lonley will it hurt so much? Will it be such a heavy weight on my shoulders? And why will it weigh so much if it does? Possibly because I don't want to be alone, or maybe it is deeper? Maybe it is because we need eachother. We all need friends. We all need best friends. We all need to feel accepted, wanted and loved. To feel accepted, wanted and loved BY a best friend, that is ideal. Are you lonlier when you know how that feels or when you don't? Hmmmm.. It is weird how everything changes. I believe that my priorities are the same.. they just feel different.because of how they have been fulfilled. It is good to not have worries like the ones from the past. It feels so good to be free of them. I suppose that the new worries aren't anything wonderful but it is great to have something different to deal with, something other than 'boys who think they can' (*yeah, that is so the spice girls lol*). Ah, it feels good to be someone a little different, a little happier, a little more me.
*Muah* Oy, I love you all. You mean the world to me.
<3 Always&Forever Yours,
~*~Carly~*~