Bored to tears.. quite literally
Hello there,
Long time no write.. ahh but that is always the way that I begin these things.. So predictable. ANYWAY!
Had a really short shift today at work. 11-1:30.. that is what I like to call a bull shit shift. I've had quite a few of those this week. Sux a little. Its okay though.
Umm.. So New York was pretty interesting. Aside from the awful parts, I made a new friend. Funny thing its my cousin and hes 18 years older than myself. Hes still really fun. Hes a lot lot like me and we have the same sense of humor.. or lack there of if you will. He likes Matthew already! Thats pretty cool. That makes him and I a lot alike lol. Umm.. Oh yeah, and hes getting married in September. I'd really like to go. But I doubt that I'll be able to afford it. He lives in Georgia. Crazy guy. There was a lot of food. I think I might never ever eat pasta or potato salad ever again. Oy there was so much. There were some pretty good desserts. Those old church ladies sure can cook. The house seemed empty. No Grandpa in his chair.. it was weird.
So, I crazily miss my Bampi. I cannot stop thinking about last week. The wake with the open casket and all of the people who didn't know me. That was awful.. They all come up to you and tell you how sorry they are and that the last time they saw you was when you were this high. I wonder if they know that I didn't care. Everyone was so nice.. they kept talking and bringing up all of the happy so we wouldn't focus on the cold rigid body that used to be my grandfather against the back wall. I got there and I couldn't look at him. I couldn't go to the casket and look at him. It wasn't him at all. It was his body. The man that loved me more than life wasn't in that cold hollow shell anymore. He was gone. If I touched him, he couldn't smile when he felt it. He couldn't see me if his eyes had been open. He couldn't hear me pleading for him to WAKE UP! He didn't even know that I was telling him I loved him. He was surrounded by flowers.. all up against a pink wall. I don't know who set all of it up, but if they knew anything about him.. they would NOT have sent yellow flowers because they all reminded him of dandilions which he hated and they would NOT have set him up in front of a bunch of pink.. you do not do that to a man who destests the color. After the wake.. we went back to grandma's. I was envious of how my entire family could contain themselves but I just couldn't. I made them all stay longer than they wanted to so I could say goodbye. Not a single one of them shed a tear there. His daughters and his wife could not cry. The next day was the funeral. Leo's daughters cried finally.. most of them very discreetly.. my mother kept her face hidden. After the funeral we went to the cemetery to bury him. My uncle said a few words and Bampi's grandchildren, children, sister and wife placed a rose on his oak box. Grandma was the last to go. She placed it on the casket, kissed it and turned to walk away. The funeral home director went to hug her and she absolutely fell apart in his arms. The strongest woman I have ever known was sobbing so hopelessly that I did not know what to do. Her daughters helped her back to the car. And then after feeling very shameful for missing him so much, I though.. Grandma is all alone. The one who CHOSE to Love this man is all alone. Everyone at that funeral loved him because they were in some way related to him or a friend. But Grandma picked him of all the men in the world and he picked her back. A bond so sacred and meaningful was broken. If there is a god he is a cold cold being. Not a single person with an ounce of heart would destroy something so magical. I cannot believe that he simply does not exist anymore. I can't comprehend it. He must have gone somewhere. My Bampi must be somewhere. I miss him. I want him to come home. I want a lot that I cannot have. I can't get these thoughts out of my mind. It is driving me insane. I can't be bored anymore. not ever again.
Oy.. its hard to come off of that and be happy. But there isn't much reason to dwell on what you cannot change. So! There isn't much reason to be unhappy.. Today was a pretty good day. I spent most of it with Matthew. We played Uno.. which a successfully left in his room somewhere :). We.. bought mulch for his mom, and candy.. candy was very good. I got a red sox hat too! It is so great. I look hot lol. I took Chelcie and Ashley out to McDonnalds for dinner they were happy and it got me out of comming up with something at home. Its just too hot out to really have an apetite. Then.. I talked to Matthew on the phone for a little while. Then I came here to write because I was thinking and wanted to... well you get the point.
Love you all.. sorry about the mess.. no i'm not.. your fault for reading. Mine for posting but yours for reading. Well that was bitter.. I'm going to stop now. I really do Love you all. *Muah*
<3Always,
Carly