(no subject)
Don't you strongly dislike when you have these thoughts that border on personal revelations right before you drift off to sleep? As I laid there last night waiting for sleep to find me, I thought and thought and had something that I should have forced myself out of bed to go write down, somewhere, anywhere. Of course I didn't, falling prey to "Oh, I'll remember it in the morning and will write it down then." Now I'm left with the vaguest of an impression of what it was. The words far less tangible now than they were at one in the morning; why is everything so vivid in the middle hours of the night? As I recall, this personal revelation didn't darken me or bring any sadness to my door. Just as it didn't really bring any happiness either; it simply was. The gist of it had to do with paths, journeys and relationships, both intimate and not. All that was woven with things found from overturning rocks in recent therapy sessions and conversations with Severina. All good conversations on both accounts, but not always the easiest; however, nothing comes from lack of communication and as I recently read, "Either way it hurts". Meaning, if you ignore an issue or problem it will hurt, if you face it, it will hurt. I would rather be conscious than unconscious, not the ostrich but instead follow the path of consciousness, of hope and acknowledgment and you can't do that with your head in the sand or with selective sight. These days I am approaching, tending and caring for my issues not as problems or inadequacies, things that need to be fixed but simply as areas that I can strengthen and help grow past; maybe heal if they need to be. As I told Valentina over the phone yesterday while I wandered around Barne's & Noble, "we're ok. There's nothing wrong with us, with any of us. Nothing to fix but only things to learn." One thing I will say though, that I think is important, is that it's been said that people are concerned that I've lost myself, who I am in my relationship with Severina. I can see how that can happen, and does happen and I'm sure it has happened to me from time to time; however, I am still very much me and do and plan for me. It just so happens that what I plan for me also includes her. I enjoy it that way and am enriched by the experiences. Admittedly however, I am prone to being drastic, either black or white, all or nothing. An issue I am tackling. Funny since I am a huge advocate of balance. I've also recommitted myself to living each moment, each day as they are, as they come. Life is a journey with no map. Every journey is a collection of single steps. Life is a collection of single days. There's a connection there.
I'm now off to keep an appointment at Seattle Central Community College to get closer to finalizing my enrollment for the Fall semester.
Those who have read this far, thank you. Heh.