Box full of memories, a heart full of hope…
I sat curled up in a chair by the window to the hospital room, my mind was running a mile a minute, unable to stick to one main thought.
“Good to know you're back Tara and I hope everything goes well, but after this, if I ever…”
“I'm not in this. You two came back together, so you two can figure this out. I came to help Angel, not to worry about this freak show."
"I hope you -- everything, works out. But I'm not going to pretend to be your friend. Because I'm not...Whatever friendship there was, there isn't...Stay out of my way and I can tell you this, I won't bother you anymore."
Why?
"Look, I'm happy that you're back, but the circumstances kinda suck from my end."
"It all sucks."
I put my head in my hands against my knees and cried softly. My emotions were bearing down on me I don’t know where to turn. I’ve been back for a few days and it’s been tormenting.
I find out that Buffy’s here in LA to help Angel, I don’t know where everyone else is. I’m too stressed to think that far ahead. But that meeting with her keeps playing in my head over and over. I thought out of everyone when we told everyone that we were back that I could talk to her. I haven’t done this dead thing before, she has.
Dead. I was dead, the non-coming back kind of dead. My body is in a grave somewhere in the crater where Sunnydale used to be. People mourned for me and they moved on. They had memories and held onto them. I wasn’t supposed to be back.
But I was.
Why?
That’s a question that has yet to be answered.
Maybe I was brought back to help Spike, to help guide him and show him that inspite of what people would say or do that he was needed. He was probably just as lost as I was. Then again if you were dead and thought your job was done you’d be lost when they just shoved you back in and said go for it.
I knew that no matter how grim things got that I still had Spike, he didn’t abandon me like I had first feared. When Buffy came lashing out at me he stuck by me. That meant more to me then I could ever say.
I sighed and rested my cheek against my knees and listened to the sounds of the hospital. I couldn’t wait to get out of here, I wanted to find a place for us so we could try and work towards normal as best we could.
I opened my eyes and looked up when I heard a knock on the door. “Miss McLay?” There was a young woman standing there.
“Y-yes. Can I help you?” I sat up a bit and winced when my hip pulled.
“I have that package you requested from Miss Burkle.” I smiled slightly and took the small box from her.
“Oh, thank you so much. Please send her my thanks.” I watch as the girl leaves before I get up and head back over to the bed.
I crawled into the bed and crossed my legs in front of me, I stared at the box for a few moments before I gathered up the nerve to pull the tape off and open it. With slow fingers I started to pull out the various items my mother locked all the things away back home before she died. There were various things that would have no meaning or value to anyone but me.
With every item I pulled out I smiled but I felt tears just the same. It was all bittersweet. There were items that she had from her private magick supply that she swore by, there was my baby book, some photos and I found an envelope at the bottom, it was thick and another letter was attached to it.
I leaned back in the bed and opened it slowly. It was my mothers writing.
Tara-
I wish I never had to give you this letter, I wish I was there with you now when you need me most. I wish our life was different and I had made it better for you.
You’re strong, a fighter. You always were, never forget that. There is always a bigger purpose for us, we might not know what it is or when it will happen but when it does happen we know it. It vibrates our hearts and goes straight down to the soul.
Love is like that, in its purest form. I know you and I know that when you love you love completely. Don’t be afraid to love like that, hearts are meant to be broken, but they are also meant to be mended. I believe you will find your exact match to your heart and you’ll know it. Your soul will know it.
Trust and believe in that feeling and that love and everything will fall into place. I promise.
If you are reading this letter then you know I’m no longer by your side in the physical sense. But I am always with you, I’m in your heart, your magick and the little things you do. When you get nervous and you tuck your hair behind your ear, I’m there. My mamma told me I did that since I could walk and it was a habit she never broke me of.
Just because I’m not the one by your side doesn’t mean you should walk this world alone. I know there is the perfect soul out there for you, you just might find it in the least expected place. Let them walk beside you and guide you as you guide them.
With this letter is another envelope, it has some money in it. It is for when you decide to leave home and start a life of your own. I’ve made sure that there was enough to really get you started so when you go you don’t ever have to look back.
Remember that I’m always with you and that I love you. You’re strong and I know you can overcome anything. After all you are my daughter.
Mom
I sighed and stared at her handwriting as the tears fell. “I love you too.” I put the letter down and opened the other letter. “Oh my.” It was filled with hundred dollar bills. There was a small slip of paper that had the total. I could only stare at it and I laughed. It was one of those small crazy laughs. “I don’t believe it.” $51,518
My mother always said she’d make sure I was taken care of and wouldn’t have to depend on my father. She kept that promise.
I sighed and leaned back on the bed, the letters in my hands and my eyes closed as I cried softly. For once my heart didn’t feel so full of sorrow.
[Open Spike]
“Good to know you're back Tara and I hope everything goes well, but after this, if I ever…”
“I'm not in this. You two came back together, so you two can figure this out. I came to help Angel, not to worry about this freak show."
"I hope you -- everything, works out. But I'm not going to pretend to be your friend. Because I'm not...Whatever friendship there was, there isn't...Stay out of my way and I can tell you this, I won't bother you anymore."
Why?
"Look, I'm happy that you're back, but the circumstances kinda suck from my end."
"It all sucks."
I put my head in my hands against my knees and cried softly. My emotions were bearing down on me I don’t know where to turn. I’ve been back for a few days and it’s been tormenting.
I find out that Buffy’s here in LA to help Angel, I don’t know where everyone else is. I’m too stressed to think that far ahead. But that meeting with her keeps playing in my head over and over. I thought out of everyone when we told everyone that we were back that I could talk to her. I haven’t done this dead thing before, she has.
Dead. I was dead, the non-coming back kind of dead. My body is in a grave somewhere in the crater where Sunnydale used to be. People mourned for me and they moved on. They had memories and held onto them. I wasn’t supposed to be back.
But I was.
Why?
That’s a question that has yet to be answered.
Maybe I was brought back to help Spike, to help guide him and show him that inspite of what people would say or do that he was needed. He was probably just as lost as I was. Then again if you were dead and thought your job was done you’d be lost when they just shoved you back in and said go for it.
I knew that no matter how grim things got that I still had Spike, he didn’t abandon me like I had first feared. When Buffy came lashing out at me he stuck by me. That meant more to me then I could ever say.
I sighed and rested my cheek against my knees and listened to the sounds of the hospital. I couldn’t wait to get out of here, I wanted to find a place for us so we could try and work towards normal as best we could.
I opened my eyes and looked up when I heard a knock on the door. “Miss McLay?” There was a young woman standing there.
“Y-yes. Can I help you?” I sat up a bit and winced when my hip pulled.
“I have that package you requested from Miss Burkle.” I smiled slightly and took the small box from her.
“Oh, thank you so much. Please send her my thanks.” I watch as the girl leaves before I get up and head back over to the bed.
I crawled into the bed and crossed my legs in front of me, I stared at the box for a few moments before I gathered up the nerve to pull the tape off and open it. With slow fingers I started to pull out the various items my mother locked all the things away back home before she died. There were various things that would have no meaning or value to anyone but me.
With every item I pulled out I smiled but I felt tears just the same. It was all bittersweet. There were items that she had from her private magick supply that she swore by, there was my baby book, some photos and I found an envelope at the bottom, it was thick and another letter was attached to it.
I leaned back in the bed and opened it slowly. It was my mothers writing.
Tara-
I wish I never had to give you this letter, I wish I was there with you now when you need me most. I wish our life was different and I had made it better for you.
You’re strong, a fighter. You always were, never forget that. There is always a bigger purpose for us, we might not know what it is or when it will happen but when it does happen we know it. It vibrates our hearts and goes straight down to the soul.
Love is like that, in its purest form. I know you and I know that when you love you love completely. Don’t be afraid to love like that, hearts are meant to be broken, but they are also meant to be mended. I believe you will find your exact match to your heart and you’ll know it. Your soul will know it.
Trust and believe in that feeling and that love and everything will fall into place. I promise.
If you are reading this letter then you know I’m no longer by your side in the physical sense. But I am always with you, I’m in your heart, your magick and the little things you do. When you get nervous and you tuck your hair behind your ear, I’m there. My mamma told me I did that since I could walk and it was a habit she never broke me of.
Just because I’m not the one by your side doesn’t mean you should walk this world alone. I know there is the perfect soul out there for you, you just might find it in the least expected place. Let them walk beside you and guide you as you guide them.
With this letter is another envelope, it has some money in it. It is for when you decide to leave home and start a life of your own. I’ve made sure that there was enough to really get you started so when you go you don’t ever have to look back.
Remember that I’m always with you and that I love you. You’re strong and I know you can overcome anything. After all you are my daughter.
Mom
I sighed and stared at her handwriting as the tears fell. “I love you too.” I put the letter down and opened the other letter. “Oh my.” It was filled with hundred dollar bills. There was a small slip of paper that had the total. I could only stare at it and I laughed. It was one of those small crazy laughs. “I don’t believe it.” $51,518
My mother always said she’d make sure I was taken care of and wouldn’t have to depend on my father. She kept that promise.
I sighed and leaned back on the bed, the letters in my hands and my eyes closed as I cried softly. For once my heart didn’t feel so full of sorrow.
[Open Spike]