I looked all over, even tried to trace her scent. She never came up, I have no idea where she is. I never should have left her. I walked back to the apartment, hoping that she's there, an explaination as to why she left.
Opening the front door, I walk inside. Instantly, I knew she was there, waiting for me. "Faith?"
Heading back to the room, I see her sitting on the bed, "Where were you?" She looks shaken up, but now I'm just pissed ... and a little confused.
I turned slowly at Angel's voice, eyes large and blank. Why was he talking to me? I was busy, my eyes were comfy staring at the wall. I think I read somewhere once that the walls have secrets. They might whisper them to me if Angel would just stay quiet.
"We were dancing." I answered simply, because we had been dancing, among other things. Also Angel was going to turn on me. I understood that. He wanted to love me, and love is pain. He had to hurt me, it was all just part of the plan. It was very important, I think. I just wished he wasn't being so loud. I wondered if he still tasted like tequila and death. My eyes trailed back to the wall and rested there.
He was angry- I could feel it. I tried so hard to be good but I was always bad. I was just glad he hadn't left me, I had to try so much harder than everyone else to be good.
I walked more into the room then, and sat down next to her. We were dancing. Hanging my head down, more defeated than anything, I sigh, "No, Faith, we weren't." Now I have to go and take her to see Fred. She's gone ... crazy and ...
Licking my lips, trying to think of what to say, I look at her. He eyes seem so empty. I look in them and there's nothing there. "Faith, I left to go and get some things ... I came back and you were gone."
Standing up, I walk over to the closet, pulling out a jacket, mostly for her. "Come on, we're going somewhere."
I looked up startled when Angel brought me my jacket. Why were we going somewhere? Hadn't we already gone out once tonight? I didn't wanna go back to the club. I didn't wanna see that man I'd killed laying lifeless in the alley. I wanted to stay here, cause here was warm and safe and I didn't have to worry about accidently killing anyone.
"Why can't we stay here?" I asked suddenly, standing up and narrowing my eyes at him. "We just got back. I don't wanna go out again."
I shrank back from him as he came closer. These were all games, and I was on the losing end of them. Losing my favorite game.
Why can't we stay here? We just got back. I don't wanna go out again.
"Faith," I start, matter of factly, "We didn't go anywhere. You did. I went looking for you and I asked you where you went and you said we went dancing. We didn't. Now, something is going on and I'm going to find out. We're going to see Fred, if we can't find her, then I'll have Wes look at you," The moment I said that, I wanted to take that back. Wes already did look at her. Damnit. "He'll see what's going on, because there is something going on."
She kept on backing away as I walked closer to her and I don't understand it. None of it. This is all ... Shaking my head, I hold my hand out. "Whatever is going on, in here," I point to my head, "You're letting them win and that's not the Faith that I know."
I snorted when he said he'd have Wesley take a look at me. I was pretty sure Wes had already taken all the look he needed. Besides he was too busy helping Spike to help sick little Faithy. Spike gets a second, third chance. Faith gets none. Faith is the big loser. No cookies for her.
"We did!" I protested vehemently, still not moving to take his hand. "You woke me up and we went dancing and we fucked in the alleyway and then I killed someone! Don't you remember?" Now I knew I was being a bad little girl. I wondered if he wanted to spank me.
Letting them win? I laughed loudly at that. Whose them? My brain? My brain is winning the battle, or is it him? Is he winning, trying to own and have power over me that he knew he'd never have over Buffy. "It wins. You win. Everyone wins except Faith." I muttered.
I was getting aggitated, but I knew I needed to keep my cool. Grabbing her shoulders, I sat her down on the bed, then turned looking at her, "No. It never happened. I went to go and get you bandages, I even bought gum." I stood up, grabbing the bag and brought it back to the bed.
Wait, she killed someone? My eyes looked into her face. That's why she looks dead already. "Faith? You ... killed someone?"
What the hell was going on?
It wins, you win... that's not what I wanted. I wanted Faith to win over whatever is doing this to her. "No, I want you to win, I want you to be strong."
I let him grip my shoulders and sit me down on the bed. Yes, he was mad. Pretending to be confused, which only made me confused. Or it used to, now I just expected it. Things work a certain way you know.
I shook my head sadly. "I'm not strong anymore, Angel." It was true, I could feel this body weakening. I wasn't nearly as strong as I had been a few years ago, a few months ago. I was dying. Guess it sorta goes along with the territory, slowly losin' your slayer strength.
"Still strong enough to kill people though." I could still see the blank eyes. Would they ever go away? "I didn't mean to." I said in a voice just above a whisper.
"Yeah, cause you're giving up. You're being a quitter, and I'm not going to let you." We really worked to hard to be where we are. I'm not sure where we are, but for her anyway, she worked hard. This can't be happening.
I stood up from the bed, and I listen as she says she's still strong enough to kill people. "Faith, you didn't kill anyone." She ... wouldn't. I mean, now anyway. This is her ... I shrug and tug her to me, "Come on, we're going to Wolfram and Hart." I'll have Wes or Fred look at her, find out what is really going on.
I wasn't being a quitter. It was just winning, and it was way stronger than me. How the hell was I supposed to fight my own messed up brain? How could I fight him when he was everything I wanted to love and hurt and hate and fuck?
"I know. I said that already." I muttered, as he pulled me to my feet and tugged me towards the door. Why were we going to Wolfram and Hart. oh right, Wesley and Fred. They wouldn't do anything to help me, they couldn't give a rat's ass about the bad slayer and if she ended up going crazy or not.
"Do we have to?" I asked, looking up into Angel's face. Was this important? I couldn't be sure, I'd have to ask the wall again.
"Yes." I say quickly, then pull her along. If I have to drag her there, kicking and screaming I would. I wanted to find out what was going on, I cared too much about her to not care if she was going crazy. This was my Faith.
My Faith.
We make our way outside into the night. Figure they'd be there anytime in a couple of hours. We could stay in my office until then.
His fingers were digging into the flesh of my arm and I wanted to fight and pull away and tell him that here was safest. I needed to stay here away from all the fucked up things I could do out there. But instead I let him pull me outside and down to his car.
He opened the passenger seat and waited for me to sit down before closing the door and heading to the driver's side. We rode in silence on the way to Wolfram and Hart, my eyes straying across the bright city lights as we drove. So pretty. Like bleeding angels lining the gates to hell. I wanted to touch them.
When we pulled up in the parking garage, Angel led me to his elevator and the two of us went up to his office. At least he had T.V. in his office. It was too late for Judge Judy though.
"Why are we here?" I finally asked when we made it up to his office.
We make our way into my office and I shut the door behind us. I watch as she sits on the couch and I walk by, handing her the remote.
Making my way to my desk, I sit down, keeping an eye on her and going through papers that needed to be signed since I was away.
"We're here because you need to get looked at." I put down the paper that I'm looking at and look at her, "Faith, I care about you, but you're slipping away. I want to stop it."
I frowned at him as he told me I was slipping away. Slipping away? What the hell did that mean? Was that the nice way of saying 'Faith your a fucking nutcase now'? And he wanted to stop. My boy, the big strapping hero, always there to save or totally fuck up your day. Always could go either way.
"Okay." I said, as I turned back to the T.V. and started channel surfing. My eyes wandered over to Angel a couple times to see him looking over papers. Those must be his wicked important lawyer stuff. Since when did vampires sign papers all day anyway?
Reaching into my coat pocket I snagged the cigarettes I had and my lighter. Lighting a cigarette, I leaned back and stopped the T.V. on the news.
Finishing up my papers, I check over messages that were left on my desk, then look up at her as she lights a cigarette and leans back. I get up from the desk, walking to my bar that I have along the wall. In the cabinet, I pull out an ashtray and bring it to her, then sit next to her. She has the news on.
In other news tonight, another murder outside of a popular club leaves police stunned ...
They go on to say that there's no suspects and I look over at Faith. She had said that 'we' were at a club and that she killed someone. What the hell was going on. I watch her face, "Faith?"
I watched the television with a somber look on my face. They showed footage of the club, I remembered that club cause I was just there.
"I told you." I said softly to Angel, my eyes never leaving the television. I was looking at the T.V. but all I was seeing was those eyes. Big blank brown eyes staring at the sky. Towards heaven maybe, if there was any such thing. Angel said there was a hell, so I thought that there was probably a heaven too.
"You were there, you remember." I added, the ash from my unsmoked cigarette dripping onto my leather pants.
Opening the front door, I walk inside. Instantly, I knew she was there, waiting for me. "Faith?"
Heading back to the room, I see her sitting on the bed, "Where were you?" She looks shaken up, but now I'm just pissed ... and a little confused.
"Faith?"
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"We were dancing." I answered simply, because we had been dancing, among other things. Also Angel was going to turn on me. I understood that. He wanted to love me, and love is pain. He had to hurt me, it was all just part of the plan. It was very important, I think. I just wished he wasn't being so loud. I wondered if he still tasted like tequila and death. My eyes trailed back to the wall and rested there.
He was angry- I could feel it. I tried so hard to be good but I was always bad. I was just glad he hadn't left me, I had to try so much harder than everyone else to be good.
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Licking my lips, trying to think of what to say, I look at her. He eyes seem so empty. I look in them and there's nothing there. "Faith, I left to go and get some things ... I came back and you were gone."
Standing up, I walk over to the closet, pulling out a jacket, mostly for her. "Come on, we're going somewhere."
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"Why can't we stay here?" I asked suddenly, standing up and narrowing my eyes at him. "We just got back. I don't wanna go out again."
I shrank back from him as he came closer. These were all games, and I was on the losing end of them. Losing my favorite game.
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"Faith," I start, matter of factly, "We didn't go anywhere. You did. I went looking for you and I asked you where you went and you said we went dancing. We didn't. Now, something is going on and I'm going to find out. We're going to see Fred, if we can't find her, then I'll have Wes look at you," The moment I said that, I wanted to take that back. Wes already did look at her. Damnit. "He'll see what's going on, because there is something going on."
She kept on backing away as I walked closer to her and I don't understand it. None of it. This is all ... Shaking my head, I hold my hand out. "Whatever is going on, in here," I point to my head, "You're letting them win and that's not the Faith that I know."
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"We did!" I protested vehemently, still not moving to take his hand. "You woke me up and we went dancing and we fucked in the alleyway and then I killed someone! Don't you remember?" Now I knew I was being a bad little girl. I wondered if he wanted to spank me.
Letting them win? I laughed loudly at that. Whose them? My brain? My brain is winning the battle, or is it him? Is he winning, trying to own and have power over me that he knew he'd never have over Buffy. "It wins. You win. Everyone wins except Faith." I muttered.
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Wait, she killed someone? My eyes looked into her face. That's why she looks dead already. "Faith? You ... killed someone?"
What the hell was going on?
It wins, you win... that's not what I wanted. I wanted Faith to win over whatever is doing this to her. "No, I want you to win, I want you to be strong."
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I shook my head sadly. "I'm not strong anymore, Angel." It was true, I could feel this body weakening. I wasn't nearly as strong as I had been a few years ago, a few months ago. I was dying. Guess it sorta goes along with the territory, slowly losin' your slayer strength.
"Still strong enough to kill people though." I could still see the blank eyes. Would they ever go away? "I didn't mean to." I said in a voice just above a whisper.
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I stood up from the bed, and I listen as she says she's still strong enough to kill people. "Faith, you didn't kill anyone." She ... wouldn't. I mean, now anyway. This is her ... I shrug and tug her to me, "Come on, we're going to Wolfram and Hart." I'll have Wes or Fred look at her, find out what is really going on.
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"I know. I said that already." I muttered, as he pulled me to my feet and tugged me towards the door. Why were we going to Wolfram and Hart. oh right, Wesley and Fred. They wouldn't do anything to help me, they couldn't give a rat's ass about the bad slayer and if she ended up going crazy or not.
"Do we have to?" I asked, looking up into Angel's face. Was this important? I couldn't be sure, I'd have to ask the wall again.
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"Yes." I say quickly, then pull her along. If I have to drag her there, kicking and screaming I would. I wanted to find out what was going on, I cared too much about her to not care if she was going crazy. This was my Faith.
My Faith.
We make our way outside into the night. Figure they'd be there anytime in a couple of hours. We could stay in my office until then.
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He opened the passenger seat and waited for me to sit down before closing the door and heading to the driver's side. We rode in silence on the way to Wolfram and Hart, my eyes straying across the bright city lights as we drove. So pretty. Like bleeding angels lining the gates to hell. I wanted to touch them.
When we pulled up in the parking garage, Angel led me to his elevator and the two of us went up to his office. At least he had T.V. in his office. It was too late for Judge Judy though.
"Why are we here?" I finally asked when we made it up to his office.
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Making my way to my desk, I sit down, keeping an eye on her and going through papers that needed to be signed since I was away.
"We're here because you need to get looked at." I put down the paper that I'm looking at and look at her, "Faith, I care about you, but you're slipping away. I want to stop it."
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"Okay." I said, as I turned back to the T.V. and started channel surfing. My eyes wandered over to Angel a couple times to see him looking over papers. Those must be his wicked important lawyer stuff. Since when did vampires sign papers all day anyway?
Reaching into my coat pocket I snagged the cigarettes I had and my lighter. Lighting a cigarette, I leaned back and stopped the T.V. on the news.
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In other news tonight, another murder outside of a popular club leaves police stunned ...
They go on to say that there's no suspects and I look over at Faith. She had said that 'we' were at a club and that she killed someone. What the hell was going on. I watch her face, "Faith?"
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"I told you." I said softly to Angel, my eyes never leaving the television. I was looking at the T.V. but all I was seeing was those eyes. Big blank brown eyes staring at the sky. Towards heaven maybe, if there was any such thing. Angel said there was a hell, so I thought that there was probably a heaven too.
"You were there, you remember." I added, the ash from my unsmoked cigarette dripping onto my leather pants.
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