trans mystery
There's this guy that I knew in the military, a few years ago. I left the military because it was homophobic, let alone trans-phobic, and I wanted to transition. Anyway, so I saw this guy, let's call him Ben (I forget his name), a couple weeks ago at school. We recognized each other immediately, we talked, and I wondered if he noticed that I changed, er, my gender. The hall was quite dark. I thought maybe he didn't see the scruff on my face, or how could he not notice my voice being at the 'man' depth..? Anyway, it weirded me out, to see this acquaintance - from the military no less - who's still in the military, and did he notice I am a transsexual? (I was female, used my old name, when I used to work there.)
So, he has a class right before mine and I saw him again today. He seemed kinda embarassed - could have been normal social awkwardness - when he saw me, this time, in a fully lit room. He was totally cool, and cracked a joke about my french class I was having. Very nice guy. For some reason, these interactions leave me befuddled. I didn't know him very well, and it's such a personal thing to be known as transsexual. You know my genitalia, you know my 'secret'. I felt weirded out again, after seeing him. Does he notice I'm now a man? Does he care? He hasn't indicated any abhorence. He's only been genuinely nice. I don't think he's the kind of guy to go back to work and say that I'm now a 'he'. I don't think it would cross his mind, he's mature. So anyway, I guess I'm uprooting (it wasn't so deep in the first place) some internalized transphobia. Doesn't he care that I'm transsexual?! It's a big deal damnit! :) Anyway, it's hard to describe. I hope I'm doing a good job. It's like this little secret between him and I. "I'm now a man, what's new in your life?" just seems so weird. It's like he's got the power, and I want it back, but in a gentle kind of way. ??
So, he has a class right before mine and I saw him again today. He seemed kinda embarassed - could have been normal social awkwardness - when he saw me, this time, in a fully lit room. He was totally cool, and cracked a joke about my french class I was having. Very nice guy. For some reason, these interactions leave me befuddled. I didn't know him very well, and it's such a personal thing to be known as transsexual. You know my genitalia, you know my 'secret'. I felt weirded out again, after seeing him. Does he notice I'm now a man? Does he care? He hasn't indicated any abhorence. He's only been genuinely nice. I don't think he's the kind of guy to go back to work and say that I'm now a 'he'. I don't think it would cross his mind, he's mature. So anyway, I guess I'm uprooting (it wasn't so deep in the first place) some internalized transphobia. Doesn't he care that I'm transsexual?! It's a big deal damnit! :) Anyway, it's hard to describe. I hope I'm doing a good job. It's like this little secret between him and I. "I'm now a man, what's new in your life?" just seems so weird. It's like he's got the power, and I want it back, but in a gentle kind of way. ??