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omg lj. I'm going to lunch with my sperm donor of a father my half sister amanda and harley today. I'm freakin the fuck out. I have been so completely numb about the whole thing up until now because it's actually happening today. omgomgomg wtf. I'm so scared that this is going to push me back through all the progress I made. I'm scared. I don't want to see him but I felt like I got pressured into it. I wish Alyssa could read the messages I'm so violently throwing out. I need support right now. I don't know if I'm making the right decision and I don't know what to do. It's been 12 years. I know I don't owe him anything and not to expect anything but I'm feeling very overwhelmed with the whole ordeal. and tomorrow is my birthday. what if things go shitty and my birthday is ruined. another thing to blame on him? FUCK! I can't do this. I'm such an idiot. I don't even know why I agreed to go. oh livejournal I wish you could talk back and give me advice. I don't want to be the center of attention since him and harley are like besties now. What do I do? What do I say? What if I am the typical Heather and I just start crying in the middle of the restaurant because it's too much for me? again. I'm freaking out. What if I get there and I can't move? I'm stuck in the car. or if I get there see them and turn around and run like a coward? omg I'm fucking nutting out. I need to calm down but I don't know how. I need something. anything. I need a fucking miracle that I will come out of this ok and not be a crazy psycho like I'm scared I'm going to be.